So the other day when putting together baked potatoes my husband shared a memory of his grandma and how she re-used the potatoes. It was a great idea, so I tried it.
Baked potatoes turned Potato skins
You know how when you're done with your baked potatoes there's the skins and a lil bit of potato left? Gather all of them up and refrigerate them. Then, for a lunch or add on to another meal you cut them up into smaller pieces and put them in the oven until they are hot and crisp. Add some more cheese, bacon, and maybe some ranch dressing and BOOM Potato skins that are yummy!
Then you can ignore the house around you and how the kitchen needs mopping, kids screaming, and just close your eyes and imagine you're in a restaurant eating skins, LIKE A BOSS!
You're welcome.
You like my decorated plates? yeah, that's called redneck china and it makes me awesome. Just sayin.
and by the way that's the second time I've written "LIKE A BOSS" today. Apparently my head is getting bigger than my hair can handle.
We were cleaning June 24th, 2012. I was doing dishes and my thoughts reflecting on so many events/issues/lessons that have been on my mind lately. The Aurora Shooting, bible verses on waiting on the Lord, Health issues, etc all swirled in my mind.
And this song came on the playlist. I often play music when we clean, it seems to keep our spirits up and attitudes good. My thoughts got swept into the song as I washed those dishes, and memories came to light. Things I don't often enjoy thinking about, why? The easiest answer is those memories, they shame me, embarrass me, and remind me of how unworthy I am. My past is not an easy pill to swallow. It's a past filled with Sex, Drugs, Alcohol, and Rock and Roll. Only I don't see this as a good thing. I don't like admitting this to people whom do not know me in person. But, sadly, it's the truth about me. Anyone who knew me from my past knows this is truth, from experiencing it first hand.
There are many contributors to my past (situations, manipulations, abuse, abandonment, fear, etc) but the main is that I am a sinner...and I ran the wrong way. I ran away from God every chance I could. I felt his pull and still I tried to fill those huge voids with other things that felt temporarily good yet punished me the entire time. I ran into the arms of what I thought was intimacy, to feel loved only to feel used again and again. I ran to drugs that would take the pain away but instead put me into dangerous situation after dangerous situation. I ran to other religions because I felt accepted and important in a coven (yes, you read that right. I claimed to be Wiccan, and studied magic as well as practiced it) while my soul literally felt like it was trying to rip out of me and cry for the Christ I had denounced. So many wrongs. So many horrible awful choices I made. I can't take them back. I can't slap that stupid little girl I once was and shake her till she passed out like I'd like to do every time she faced another choice that would lead into choosing wrong yet again.
I. WAS. THE. BEAUTIFUL. DISASTER.
And looking back at whom I was and where God has brought me today makes my soul weep. I don't deserve my husband whom has shown me what REAL LOVE and REAL INTIMACY is. I never knew. I had no clue that I could be loved after my beauty faded, and faded it did. I didn't know that love was not sex, but that real intimacy was being held by someone who would never leave me nomatter how I hurt him, and how many bad decisions I made. Who would forgive me, for all my past mistakes and the one that hurt him most. Who modeled my creator so much so that I can now imagine a heavenly Father who forgives every transgression I've ever made and will continue to make. I cannot imagine why He would, but I know now He does. I am not worth it, I know this much. But He's a good God and he brought me a good husband to show me that. My husband took me home, and loved me nomatter what, and gave me two amazing children, and the most wonderful life I could ever ask for.
I am so grateful that I want to fall to my knees and thank Him for the gift of my life now. And I think on all my health problems and you know what?! If God chooses not to heal me and my health declines even more and my life is a short one here on earth....it's OK. I'm ok with it because God gave me more than I could have imagined. He gave me my happy ever after. More than I could have imagined, more than I can ever express my gratitude for, more than I could repay.
And even though the thoughts of my life now, my wonderful husband, my amazing children are the best I can imagine there's one thing even better. Though I can't imagine it in my limited human mind, I know it's there.
He forgives me.
It doesn't matter what I remember, or what others remember or quip about when they read my scripture I post or talk about now. It doesn't matter grudges held against me, or those that cannot forgive (including myself).
He took me out of my disaster I created for myself and He loved me, and He forgives me. This shows because He's blessed me so. He's already healed me, whether he chooses to do so in physical form or not.
This. This is the moment he began to heal me. Thirteen years ago. With this man, who is the best thing ever to happen to me. Thank you my Adonai for this man, this life, this forgiveness.
His Grace is sufficient for me, and he's been very graceful.
So Patching Charlie is going great. He is so willing and ready to do what he has to do and he does it with such a wonderful attitude! This child inspires me and all those around him. There was only one time when he struggled just a tiny bit. What was it? Glad you asked.
He was at the end of the patching time and we were headed to a birthday party, but we had to stop and get a present first. Well, I knew he'd be done by the time we got to the party but not quite for the store. So he kept asking "momma, am I done?" and then showed signed of getting a lil upset. For an APD child these signs can be different and at different times as well. One of the main ones is him repeating a question and getting more irritated with each repeat. It's because he can't process and explain his feelings and so he gets more frustrated when the answer is the same and he can't tell me why he's worried, scared, upset, embarrassed, etc.
I'd like to tell you that I catch it most of the time but the truth is I'm about half and half. Some days we go full blow up before I realize what's going on. However, I was more sensitive since I knew it was the first time he'd go into public with a patch on and this is, afterall, my sensitive child. When asked if he was embarrassed or worried for anyone to see him he shook his head yes in fury. And I tried the "cool pirate" thing but for some reason this upset him too. He kept saying "I'm NOT a pirate, I'm Charlie (using his real name of course"...and I think it's because he just wants to be accepted as he is (more on this later). So I switched tactics and showed him my crutches I was getting out of the back and had to use to go in the store. I told him that we all had our faults and problems and right now he and I BOTH had problems that other ppl could see but that it was ok and didn't mean either of us should be embarrased by it because it means we are dealing with our problems and taking care of them. He smiled and on we went. I think he was pleased just to know he wasn't alone. Thus one of the main frustrations for APD and Visual Processing problem children and parents...there's not much support out there.
The most frustrating and proud moment for me thus far were actually ONE moment, about the same time. We were inside the store and a lady asked Charlie why he was wearing the patch. He stood up straight, looked her straight in the eye, and clearly said "I'm doing visual therapy", then gave a shy smile. This moment. This is my proudest moment lately of my son and it brings me to tears just writing it. My shy guy who I usually have to guide to speaking with adults did this on his own, without me guiding him. Why? Because he's proud of himself for doing what he needs to do. He's not afraid to admit his faults, and he faced them in the eyes of a stranger unashamedly. He knows what he needs to do and he's doing it, willingly, and without complaint. How many adults do you know that do this? Not me. But my son sure could teach me a lesson in it, I know that much.
But then my most frustrating moment came. She replied "did you get your eyes dialated at the eye doctor"?? Say wha?? When's the last time you saw someone with an eye patch and the other eye open without those weird sunglasses on??!! PLUS!! He TOLD her why he had it on. I understand she may not have known what he was talking about or what "visual therapy" is. I get that for sure. But, why would she just assume based on her own limited understanding of eye problems and not listen to him? I would have rather she asked him what that was than say that because it deflated my son. His shoulders dropped and he looked at me like "what? didn't she hear me"?? How many times do we do this as adults?? Lean on our own limited understanding and never ask or care to learn more.
I could learn from this experience and learn to be unassuming when it comes to another's faults. But more on that later.
Ok so first and foremost,Good news! The orthopedic specialist says I did NOT break (stress fracture or crack) my bone as he previously thought, but I DID tear the ligaments all around my knee cap as well as overstretch some muscles when I dislocated it. So, NO surgery needed AND I can start to ween off my crutches lil by lil. I do need physical therapy for it though which I start on the 27th and have to wear a brace for a while. Fun fun. :) All in all, good news! Praise Yeshua and thanks be to Him I'm healing.
Charlie Brown is doing well on his Visual Therapy. We haven't even had one outburst over his daily patching. I'm very proud of him to say the least. The one time it came close to him being upset was yesterday but more on that later.
Daddy is really liking his new jobs and God is really blessing us with it. We are so thankful he's provided a way for our medical treatments! Praise Him we aren't still struggling with this issue.
He spent all last weekend working on our gate because, apparently, our "wonderful Nanny" hates fireworks and since then has been getting out of the backyard every time we even leave for a little bit. And he expanded the gate, but we didn't have the fencing materials we needed so he twist tied part of it and she tore thru it. GRRR Why are animals so frustrating and awesome at the same time?!
And we are going to visit friends from OKC/Edmond tomorrow. I'm So excited! I've missed these wonderful ppl so much! They made the move to OK bearable to begin with and have been my foundation for forming new friendships in Tulsa. We have to take the stupid dog because of above. I'm sure she'll love it too.
I ordered Curriculum this week! Only missing my math for Charlie but will get that soon. Still deciding when to start school. Alot of ppl up here start back in July because it get's hot up here July and August and the kids don't really want to go outside. This makes alot of sense to me, but I've always wanted our "summer break". I may start in August just so we can enjoy more fall weather though. We'll see.
Really we're rather boring just because of our physical limitations this summer.
I'm reading this book http://karenlebillon.com/books/ about the french diet and how they eat. I'm trying to change our views on food. I'd really like us not to be so emotionally attached and also learn to love real food more than process plastic food. So I thought this might be helpful. I have other booked I'm reading like "Made to Crave, by Lysa Terkhurst".
While there's good and bad, and even annoying in the book (french can be pretty snotty) there's one part where she explains one reason the french are so distant, even with each other. She says they put so much importance on friendship and they take it as a serious, lifelong commitment and therefore they are very choosy about who their friends are. That many of them do not make friends past the age of mid twenties because of this, and how loyal they are once they do make that commitment, etc. Now, they are still polite and make friendly conversation but to actually take on someone as a friend means commitment, love, respect, keeping each other accountable, learning to argue without disrespecting each other, etc and it's for life.
And you know what? The more I think about that the more I think I would rather have it this way. I'd rather know where I stand with people (am I just an aquantance, really a friend, just another homeschool mom, etc) than have this putting on airs and people dropping me at the moment they don't agree with me or it get's difficult, or I'm in a bad place and they don't have time to deal. I'd rather have the snotty up front and honesty of it. I'd rather know that those whom are my friends are REALLY that. Friends. Is that weird?
See. I'm growing so tired of how selfish most people in America are, or at least Texas and Oklahoma...although I'm pretty sure it's not just the states I live in. ;)
We are lonely, yet we refuse to invest in others and love them thru the good and bad.
We are bored, yet we say we are "too busy" to really make time to connect with others.
So many excuses and the truth is, we are selfish.
It takes time to invest in others.
It takes grace to forgive their faults.
It takes honesty to open yourself up to closeness.
It takes hurt to hear things that might step on your toes, and love to change or accept.
It takes so much more. More than we are either to selfish or scared to give.
But ah how our lives would be so enriched if we simply lived through the rough times in order to get to the memories in the making. To the good times, the funny times, the learning times.
So I sit. Still praying for like minded women in my life. Waiting for those who are willing to risk it like me. But I am not alone. I have my wonderful amazing best friend of a husband, and two beautiful boys. We are worth it. And others will think that too, when God brings them into our lives.
Well folks, today we started the hardest part of at home therapy for Charlie Brown's strabismic amblyopia. We started patching!
Patching is where we get a fabulous pirate looking patch (which apparently I ordered for the wrong eye because his fishy is upside down) and you put it over your GOOD eye for a certain amount of time daily. In our case the therapist ordered 2 hours per day on days we do not do in office therapy. This means we patch 5 times a week.
It was not dramatic as expected. But then again we have many days to go of this and it will not be long before we are all frustrated with it, especially lil Charlie, and when that time comes we will handle it. Together.
It did give him a lil headache and oddly enough he said his left eye (his good eye) was hurting. I suspect this is because the good eye is so used to compensating for his bad eye that it was trying to focus the entire time to compensate but couldn't since it was in the dark. Interesting.
He says when he had his patch on he saw "blurry, and it was hard to see. Also that he could see things around the house but they were blurry"
So proud of my guy. So glad God has provided the opportunity to provide therapy for him.
I tend to come up with the most interesting things/thoughts in the middle of the night, while in bed, right before I go to sleep. And in the morning, it's gone.
So here's to the forgotten post. A cheer, I raise my glass (of water) to you. May you visit my thoughts again.....maybe when I'm coherent this time???
Am I the only one here?
Just wanted to give an update on Visual Therapy. There's really not much to tell. Unfortunately we missed one week due to my stress fracture in my leg and I could not drive. I'm still not supposed to be driving but there's no way I'm letting my son miss 6 weeks of therapy, it's just not happening.
He's done with his first round of at home therapy, which was an iPhone App they gave me to try to correct some of his color vision. We found out why Green is his favorite color (refer to photo), it's what he mostly sees. Anyway, this color app was a red dot that went in and out, apparently this was supposed to make his eye react more to color and turn it on. We don't know whether it helped or not, we haven't done a follow up evaluation yet.
So, Wed they take me back and teach me how to do more intense at home therapy with him and send us home with a notebook full of things to do daily.
Plus. We start Patching.
Sigh.
Pray for us. Patching is going to be difficult at least at the beginning. He won't be able to see for a minimum of 2-4 hours per day at first. Like, at all except fuzzy blurry things.
My poor guy is going to be frustrated and this will make him act out. I have to remember that. I have to not lose my patience, something I lack today for some reason. Must work on that.
When I know more I'll update again. Until then we are doing at home therapy, exercises like ping pong and catch that help, and twice a week at the clinic.
This is what he SHOULD see.
This is what he DOES see.
Boom. Why green is his favorite color. It's almost all he sees!
I'm going to purchase it in about a week so I thought I'd go over the original plan, and made a few changes.
Plus I thought I'd add the cost of curriculum so you can know what I'm spending this year. Of course this doesn't include supplies, arts and crafts, science projects, MANY field trips, etc etc etc. Homeschooling doesn't just sacrifice your time, it does your budget. But, it's like they say..when I'm on my deathbed will I ever look back and think "Man, I wish I would have had more time to myself and saved more money"??? Nahhhh. I know for sure I will NOT think that.
Both kiddos: English- Grade level for each Handwriting-
Total this semester: $249 next week + $35/month Next Semester: $127 + $35/month
Oh yeah...and I need a planner/organizer too! $30 And I have a confession to make. I've spent probably a total of 30+ hours this summer so far researching curriculum, learning styles, looking at books, etc trying to figure out what is best for us. This is NOT EASY people. Anyone that thinks we don't do enough or care enough about our children's education is so wrong. Homeschool mothers do not take this lightly, and we stress over it so. So, next time you ask my kids when they start school and we reply "we homeschool" with a smile...all we need is a smile back...and maybe a lil respect for our choices. Muwah! Momma...OUT...at least until I start freaking out about these choices....again.
Ok so I'm giving up sugar. But with everything in my life, lessons, attitudes, etc it's a process. I WAS going to do it for 30 days starting off the bat but honestly it's too much for me.
I learn slowly...because I'm stubborn, obviously.
And I honestly don't know whether this is an excuse I have myself believing or not but I don't think it would be good for me because of my circumstances.
See, at the moment my thyroid is changing from hyper to hypo but at this moment, I'm considered at a "normal" level..although there's nothing "normal" about my body/side effects/weight gain/ hair loss/etc. And if I get stressed out my hormones will go out of whack even more quickly and it will not be good for me emotionally, mentally, or physically. Being that I'm an emotional eater, and have issues this makes it worse.
So here's what I'm NOT going to do.
I'm NOT going to:
-Stress out if I have a bad day
-Have self hating thoughts if I make a bad decision
-Get totally frustrated if I can't figure out how to eat both Gluten Free and Sugar Free
-Make too many excuses
-Guilt myself as long as every day makes improvements
-Say No to people, If my great Aunt offers me pie or ice cream I'm so not making her feel uncomfortable, because in my family food=love.
Things I am working on not eating:
-Processed Refined Sugar
-No White or Wheat Bread
-No White or Wheat Flour (cept the occasional tortilla)
-No Cookies
-No Cokes
-No Coffee
-No White or Wheat Pasta
Now, being that I also try to eat as little Gluten as possible having no sugar at all is very difficult. I'm not all for making things difficult on myself as possible.
Things I allow:
-Low fat whole wheat tortillas (do you KNOW how hard it is to find lunch things?!)
-Potatoes in small portions, and mostly red
-Salad Dressing/sauces- I'm not going to worry if I'm at a restaurant whether my salad dressing has sugar in it-I'm doing good to have salad so get over it.
-Weight watchers Oatmeal (I already have this, breakfast is also hard with no gluten or sugar), it has a bit of sugar in it but once I finish this pack I'll just buy plain and put honey in it.
-Honey & Fruit (natural forms of sugar are good, God gave us these)
-Gluten Free Pasta OK
-Gum (I rarely chew it but when meeting with ppl, and ppl like me for that. Trust me)
-Tea (sweetened with honey or other natural sweetener)
This list may change. But, if I have a list then I don't make excuses or allowances that shouldn't be made.
What will I do when in the pit of withdrawals? I will read: my bible, pray, read Lysa Terkhurst "Made to Crave". But one reason for taking sugar out slowly and just making better decisions cuts out many of the withdrawals. The hardest part will be in my head and continuing to make changes that means less sugar to eventually no sugar.
What is my motto when making decisions?
I will say "Is it beneficial to me?" Just because it's allowed and not necessarily a sin to eat doesn't mean it benefits my body or self in any way.
Pray for me?
Pray for my husband!
Nomatter your budget, time, lifestyle, etc I seriously advise that all of you have a Nanny...unless you're just not a dog person.
Our Nanny:
No, I'm serious. She thinks my children are her "puppies".
When they go out back she barks and growls and whines at me until I let her out with them. She HAS to be out there watching them. If they get too rowdy on the trampoline she can be heard whining at them. If they are playing nicely she is either running around with the neighbor dog, laying in the grass, or sniffing/digging for moles but whatever she's doing she always, ALWAYS has her eye and ears on the boys. And the minute she gets concerned she's right there checking out what they are doing.
Just a minute ago she was watching them play games behind me in the living room and griped at them for not playing together.
Everyone should have a Nanny like her. It's nice not having to worry about my kiddos when they are in the backyard. And that they are learning to take care of another creature by taking care of her.
I feel like I'm under attack physically. Especially in the last month, because in the last month I've had or currently have:
-Upper resp infection
-Acute Bronchitus that took an entire month away from me
-Thyroid issues
-Hormone issues
-Exhaustion issues due to the above
-problems seeing (need to wear glasses but can't while driving and it causes issues)
-Allergies
-Asthma
-Dislocated my Knee, cracked my leg bone, and tore/stretched ligaments and muscle around it
-Dislocated my hip-twice
-Sprained or twisted my ankle
-Am currently on crutches and pain meds
-And as of today either have Pink eye or an Allergic reaction IN my eye
Yup, and that's just ONE MONTH in my fun life.
But you know what? It's got me excited. Say wha?? you say?
Let me explain. Scott is changing jobs, where the insurance has no pre existing clause and a small yearly deductible, where I can finally get accurate and good medical treatment of my whole body, where I have an appt with an endo in August to begin the process of getting this (hopefully Lord willing) all taken care of once and for all, where there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
And all right before that I'm under some pretty serious physical attack by Satan.
Now, I wasn't always this way. In fact it's more my pedigree to go with "poor me, why me, my maiden name's luck, and be angry". And yeah, it DOES suck, let me make that clear.
But still. Nowadays I ask myself. "SELF. HMMM"
Because clearly I talk to myself, answer myself, and think to myself all in the same sentence.
"Self, WHY ARE YOU UNDER ATTACK"?!
What's the point if there is one?
Well, putting two and two together it has me wondering if there is a BIG change ahead for me and my health. One we've prayed for for YEARS now and because this change is on it's way Satan is using this time to get at me all she (yes, because only a woman can be as vicious as Satan) can.
We are attacked when we take up our Cross. Jesus uses these moments to teach, love, correct, etc us.
And the fact that it's so hard right now. Well. That only makes me more hopeful for the future and what is in store (God Willing alone).
:) So I smile. And wait. -with one eye open of course. hehe
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