Thursday, October 22, 2015

What to say to someone losing a loved one

Another facet of my crazy life is that my father is at home with Hospice Care right now. Let me begin by saying that it's going to be ok. I'm going to be ok. There, now you can stop scrambling trying to figure out what to say or how to feel towards me now that I've told you that. But maybe backtrack just a little in your thinking because me saying that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It does. It doesn't mean I don't care, I do. Boy do I care. I say I'm going to be ok for the simple reason that I believe God is in control and I am trying my very best to trust Him in EVERYTHING. And I cannot deny him my complete gratefulness for the time we have had with my Dad. Nor should I.

See, 25 years ago my Dad was given 5 years to live. After undergoing experimental treatment for the particular disease he has he was providentially still alive and kicking 11.5 years ago when he received a double lung transplant. You read that right, two brand new lungs. A transplant life expectancy is 10 years and he had many many problems after his transplant. Even so, he's exceeded the expectations already. You'd think we'd be ready for this right? Nope. We are not and that is perhaps what I find most odd about this process. Well, that and how people react. Which is really why I'm writing this post so let me get to it.

Many years ago death was perceived as a natural part of life and it wasn't thrown under the rug afraid to speak of such a subject. It still hurt, but people rallied together to help and serve those whom had lost their loved ones. It all flowed very smoothly as you did what was expected of you as people were dying and had passed. Then, your neighbors and brethren would do the same for you in time. Then, with the progression of mystical things and beliefs the subject became Faux-Pas. As if you would curse those around you by speaking it. As if YOU had ANY control over when and how death comes. We stopped believing God was Sovereign in this issue.

So I'm here today to say it doesn't help NOT to talk of such subjects to those whom are hurting. You don't have to know what to say, but I am going to talk to you a little about what NOT to say to help you out. I have done fairly well with the news about my Dad. The hardest part is not being with him, and not knowing what is going on in his health (because of the aforementioned disease he's not a typical hospice case and doesn't follow the "norm"). However I have my moments where I have a break in my smile or disposition. The other day I was clothes shopping for light clothing to wear the next time I'm at his home. He's cold a lot so keeps his house very warm. I checked my balance on my card while in the changing room and thought "well, I might as well shop for black dress clothes while I'm here". And then it hit me....I was shopping for funeral clothes. Yup. I had a moment. I stood in the store bawling like a baby while looking at clothes. At some point the employees asked if I was doing ok and I just replied "yes, I'm just being silly" which prompted the questions. So I answered that my father was dying and before I could get much else out one began the uncomfortable twitch and jitters that comes with the rush of not being able to wait until someone is done speaking because you HAVE to say something to fix it and you have to SAY IT NOW. So she did. She said she was sorry then rushed right into "I'm sure it'll be alright and he will most likely be fine and get all better, you never know"!! I wanted to say "Do YOU know...I mean do you even know me, him, the situation, his health, etc"???
She didn't help. She made it worse. She didn't mean too, don't get me wrong and I'm not mad at all. But saying things you know nothing about just to make yourself feel less agitated doesn't help someone who is grieving.

So we need to know that death is a subject we CAN talk about. And should. For our own health and well-being as well as spiritual health. And we need to know how to talk to each other.
So here's a link with some very helpful information and knowledge on how to handle others in various areas of grief: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/supporting-a-grieving-person.htm
Unfortunately there is very little online regarding scriptural grieving, most follow psychology ways but I have to say, these things on ways to listen and speak are not wrong. But always remember to hold each other up in the ways of scripture. If someone is faltering on trusting in God, they need to be gently reminded with verse, etc.

I'm reading a book right now that helps in this area: http://www.amazon.com/Sunsets-Reflections-Lifes-Final-Journey/dp/158134645X
Maybe one day there will be more online to glean from but until then these two put together will have to work.

Because no one going through this want's to be shushed from talking about it. They want support and love and to know that it's going to be ok....but most of all they don't want to feel alone just because you don't like talking about it.

I love my Daddy. Knowing I'm going to miss him so much is honestly what hurts the most right now.

Monday, October 5, 2015

The Slut Walk has it all wrong

Recently there was an event in LA called the "Slut Walk". There are plenty of blogs out there that have already shared all the facts about the creator of the event and the event itself so I'm just going to keep to my own opinion and experience, because that's what I'm better at and disliked most for. HA!

Ladies, oh how do I say this and make you believe it? Ladies! The Slut Walk is NOT dignified, it's trying to control everyone else around you rather than working on controlling yourself and your own choices/actions.

Now that I have the feminist movement up in arms let me share my own experience and why I believe this.
Back in the college days, oh let's face it I'd already dropped out of community college by this point and was just using "the college days" as an excuse to party. And party I did. One night a friend and I were at a co-worker's house for a party. We had way too much trash can punch (hey, it WAS college days and we were poor) and she decided to go into his brother's room and lie down for a while. I wanted to leave but she refused. His brother was gone and we'd never met him. So I went with her and fell asleep (oh for the days I could sleep anywhere). A little while later I awoke to 4 men standing over us discussing which they would like to rape first and who was going to hold us down. I FLEW up and immediately got into a fighting stance ready to fight for my life, for my body. It's just who I was, I don't fly, I fight and have always been this way. I was certainly not going to leave my friend behind whom was still passed out cold because even in my drunken state it was obvious this would only leave her a victim. The men (one being my co-worker's brother) began yelling and told me to leave thankfully rather than attack. I literally drug my friend out of there and left.
I am so thankful that this night ended the way it did. Not only did it teach me a VERY valuable lesson but it ended with us safe and it could have ended much, MUCH differently.

Ok so let's get to the nitty gritty. In NO WAY will I EVER condone rape in ANY fashion or form. Once a man, or woman make and follow through with that decision it is their own and one they must be accountable for. And I am so, so sorry for those whom have suffered this horrible action. I pray you find peace, and wholeness within yourselves knowing you are amazing and beautiful and did not deserve this act upon you. I hope they paid for their actions towards you and that you always feel safe in your life.

HOWEVER!!! Had that night ended differently would I have had to come to a conclusion at some point in my life that my own actions had brought me to that point of possibility? Yes. I would have. To be clear again, my own actions would have had NOTHING to do with the actual rape or their decision to do so. BUT, my own actions put me in a place to be vulnerable to these 4 men. My own actions made stupid decisions to drink too much and do some illegal drugs which impaired my judgment as well. My own actions left me in a room whose owner I didn't even know, much less attempt to trust. My own actions left the door open for consequence and it's only by a miracle that I didn't have to suffer that consequence like so many others have unfortunately had too.

Ok, so I know my story is different than many and I also want to say that I know there are many times that the woman had absolutely NO part or responsibility in what happened to them. But there are times, like mine, when we have to stand up and say....
---"I should not show EVERY SINGLE PART  of my body and then expect a man not to be turned on by it"-note I said turned on because no this doesn't give them permission to rape, but it does turn the switch in that you are leaving your body vulnerable for others to see.
---"I should not put myself in scary situations or places especially with those I do not know well."
---"I should not drink in excess where my actions are impaired because it's leaving myself vulnerable to others to make decisions about me they aren't responsible for".
---"I am responsible for me, and I want to cherish and take care of me because I'm important".

Remember that old saying "You dress for the job that you want". So.....if you're dressing like they dressed in the Slut Walk, what does that tell society?

See, rather than trying to control their own actions so that they have absolutely no responsibility in the horrors that may fall on women, they are trying to control those around them. They are saying they can do what they want but you cannot. It's a society that says "what offends me is not ok but what offends you is....as long as I think it is".
So much. So much wrong with that type of thinking because, ladies, what if the men stood up and starting doing walks claiming their own sexuality and NEEDS were ok whether you thought they were or not?????!!!

So let's start thinking about what is best for society as a WHOLE, and not just our own selfish little worlds!! How can YOU better society? Oh, I dunno, maybe by not dressing so provocatively that you start teaching my young sons how to look at women with lust at the tender young ages of 9, and 11!
Oh don't worry, I'm doing my best to combat that by teaching them that this is not ok, that they need to avert their eyes because they should be kept for their future wives only, and that you should have more self esteem and esteem your own bodies higher and better to keep for those that love you more than anything. But you're making it REALLY DIFFICULT!!