Thursday, January 30, 2014

a warning to all those who enter

I had a Car Finance guy in my house this morning (don't worry, my boys were home and my husband has said this is ok, plus it was to sign 3 papers they forgot to have me sign and he was here a max of 8 minutes). I will have a caseworker in my house tomorrow afternoon.
My house is a MESS.
In Midland, TX (where looks are often more important than anything else) I would have been shunned for how messy my house is right now. You simply do not invite others in when it's a mess there. It's just not done. And it's shameful you cannot keep it up, you should (and most do) get a housecleaner if you can't, because that is better than a messy house.
 
But you know what? 
I. DON'T. CARE
 
Ok I care a little. But not much, and certainly not enough to change it...much...ok I'll proly do a teensy bit before caseworker comes but ONLY to make myself feel better.
 
But honestly I shouldn't. And honestly it doesn't matter.
GASP! How can it not matter???
 
Because this has been my week:
I've had 6 doctors appointments, next week we have 3 (one being 120 miles away)
I've held a hurting, crying child who misses her mother.
I've been in crisis learning of new steps being taken, heartbreak about to happen, and fear about what's going on in people's heads, not to mention about court and actions thereof.
I've gotten behind on schooling my boys because, let's face it, in crisis SOMETHING is often left behind...and wayyyyy too often do my own children feel the brunt of this.
Our car was dying and sputtering. We had to buy Daddy a new one.
I've had to fight credit companies because of mistakes and stupid stuff, that never seems to resolve after 6 years.
I've learned of bullying and had to address it.
I've learned of scary, dark, horrible things that make me fear the future for one of our children...and also the others as a result.
I've learned my vision is worse, my eyes popping out more getting closer to needing surgery.
I've been so dizzy I feel like I'm buzzed. All day. Not since my college years has this been "Cool" nor is it now when I cannot walk or think straight.
I've had Bleeding Ulcer issues. Again.
I've held my dog wondering if she's going to keep breathing in the midst of a severe seizure and taken her to the vet after she recovered only to learn she needs meds...TWICE a day now.
I've put off infant adoption, by my own choice. Because life is too hectic and up in the air right now. If you know my story and yearning for this you realize how devastating this alone is.
I've talked with a friend who's heartbroken because another baby was ripped from her arms and put back into a not safe environment.
I've chatted with a friend (my closest) who is so young, beautiful, and healthy but all of a sudden is having severe and scary health issues.
I've consoled a friend who is also in crisis and her body is hurting because of the stress in her household (she happens also to be a foster parent, imagine that).
I've discussed in depth what is best for our household with my husband, and all those in it. And we still have no answers and are fearful of the future.
 
There's more. I know there's more because I feel like I've been hit by a whirlwind this week. I just can't think of it all cuz of this stupid brain fog.
 
No. You might disagree and you're perfectly welcome to pay your housekeeper and cheer her on if you do, but no it does NOT matter if my house is a mess. It's lived in. It's hurt in. This house hold hurting children as they cry softly. It watches over scared children as they are influenced by others. It silently sees when the parents within are desperate for answers and don't know what to do. It holds life. And life, well it's not always pretty. So neither is our house.
 
I know. I have few friends because of my mess. I'm a mess. My family is a mess. My house is a mess. It's just a mess. And no one likes mess. They like neat pretty smiles with CAN-DO attitudes (high five in the awesomeness of our pretending everything is ok..YEAH!!).
 
But it's real. And it's raw. And sometimes we'll clean it up a bit and sometimes it'll be messy. Such is life.
 
You're welcome to come into my mess, but just know you might get dirty, cuz I'm not going to hide my mess for you.