Monday, December 14, 2015

On Grieving

November 27, 2015 my father passed away. We were surrounding him telling him we love him and will miss him dearly. It was also my anniversary, almost like after all these years of fighting for me between him and hubby my father was finally able to "give me away". We then spent the weekend making funeral arrangements and preparing for a journey. The following Tues we took him to his hometown and had his funeral that Friday a full week after he passed. It was long, trying, exhausting, emotional, etc but in the end the funeral honored him and for that I am thankful. We have been back home now for 1 week following our 3500 mile journey in the past 2 months.
People keep telling me that the pain will get better and it will get easier. But what I am finding is that it doesn't get easier (at least in this small amount of time) but you do somehow go on with your life. It's not easy and it doesn't feel right but you do it anyway. You just begin accepting the pain and the loss as part of your life now. Not in a victim way but just a "this is part of it now" way. So you are then faced with a choice. You either keep breathing though it hurts, or you let it suffocate you.

Several things I've learned in this short time that I think are important:

Sometimes amends don't come because they are too painful to talk about. The ones you love most are the ones it is hardest to say goodbye too, and the most difficult to say what needs to be said. But say it anyway, nomatter how much you have to swallow your pride. Because those you leave behind will still have to hurt from the things not said...and the guilt that causes.

God is kind, even through the pain. And ALL PAIN has purpose. Telling someone who is watching a loved one suffer or has just lost one whom suffered that "they are better off" or "there is just no point for them to have to go through this" makes it look like God is cruel and unpredictable. He's not. It also devalues the life and purpose of their loved one and THAT IS NEVER OK!! Also, when hurting look for the kindness because it's there if you pay attention. Even small things like me having a overwhelming urge to get up and go into my Dad's room early that morning was a huge kindness to me. Because if I had waited till I normally went in he would have been gone already. Another seemingly small example was the night he passed rain began to fall and stayed constant for 3 days. There was nothing else that could have comforted me to sleep like the sound of rain pitter pattering on the roof. And the sunsets. Sorry. I had to stop and collect myself for a moment. My Dad loved sunsets. I found lots of photos in his pictures I went through. I made it the theme for his video and since he passed I've seen more gorgeous sunsets than I have in the past 3 years combined. It's like a reminder that he's ok.

Show the people around you that you love them. This was something my Father was not good at. He loved passionately but he never learned to show love like he should have. It's something I'm not good at either but that I am now trying to learn more and more. People will always disappoint you when you expect them to act the way you think they should. But the trick is that people will never act like you think they should, because they aren't you. They act the way they act, or believe. It is what it is. But that doesn't mean they deserve to feel like they are a disappointment to you. Because sometimes they are just doing the best they can. Or sometimes they need to learn to love too, like me.

Love people anyway. Because sometimes there is more to their past and pain than you can possibly imagine that has made them into the person they are. Walking away from hard people SHOULD NEVER be an option in life. SO it makes it hard on you, big deal ya baby! Maybe you need whatever lesson you can only learn from them. Maybe you need some difficult. Maybe they will enrich your life more than you ever knew because it turns out that they weren't so bad after all. Just misunderstood. My Dad had many faults, difficult being one of them. That truth is not gone but there was more to his story than anyone knew or wanted to admit. So it serves me (and everyone that knew him) better to remember the good. It's not ignoring the bad was there, it's simply choosing to see the best in a person and reminding ourselves that everyone has their journey they've been on. Kindness in that journey goes a long way. 1 Corinthians 13 is about choosing to love, to believe, to serve. This is the example of Love God left us. It should be followed more.

Walking away from dishonest or untrustworthy people is ok. Sometimes it's more loving towards them if you keep your distance. You don't have to fear man and try to please everyone all the time. Sometimes you are who you are too. Again, it's the whole sinning again and loving others that's important but that looks different for each person. Certain people I've decided to let go because it's kinder than being angry with them for their actions...or lack of action.

Don't apologize for pain. As long as the pain does not involve sinning against another, it's ok to feel what you are feeling and to be you.

I'm still breathing.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

What to say to someone losing a loved one

Another facet of my crazy life is that my father is at home with Hospice Care right now. Let me begin by saying that it's going to be ok. I'm going to be ok. There, now you can stop scrambling trying to figure out what to say or how to feel towards me now that I've told you that. But maybe backtrack just a little in your thinking because me saying that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It does. It doesn't mean I don't care, I do. Boy do I care. I say I'm going to be ok for the simple reason that I believe God is in control and I am trying my very best to trust Him in EVERYTHING. And I cannot deny him my complete gratefulness for the time we have had with my Dad. Nor should I.

See, 25 years ago my Dad was given 5 years to live. After undergoing experimental treatment for the particular disease he has he was providentially still alive and kicking 11.5 years ago when he received a double lung transplant. You read that right, two brand new lungs. A transplant life expectancy is 10 years and he had many many problems after his transplant. Even so, he's exceeded the expectations already. You'd think we'd be ready for this right? Nope. We are not and that is perhaps what I find most odd about this process. Well, that and how people react. Which is really why I'm writing this post so let me get to it.

Many years ago death was perceived as a natural part of life and it wasn't thrown under the rug afraid to speak of such a subject. It still hurt, but people rallied together to help and serve those whom had lost their loved ones. It all flowed very smoothly as you did what was expected of you as people were dying and had passed. Then, your neighbors and brethren would do the same for you in time. Then, with the progression of mystical things and beliefs the subject became Faux-Pas. As if you would curse those around you by speaking it. As if YOU had ANY control over when and how death comes. We stopped believing God was Sovereign in this issue.

So I'm here today to say it doesn't help NOT to talk of such subjects to those whom are hurting. You don't have to know what to say, but I am going to talk to you a little about what NOT to say to help you out. I have done fairly well with the news about my Dad. The hardest part is not being with him, and not knowing what is going on in his health (because of the aforementioned disease he's not a typical hospice case and doesn't follow the "norm"). However I have my moments where I have a break in my smile or disposition. The other day I was clothes shopping for light clothing to wear the next time I'm at his home. He's cold a lot so keeps his house very warm. I checked my balance on my card while in the changing room and thought "well, I might as well shop for black dress clothes while I'm here". And then it hit me....I was shopping for funeral clothes. Yup. I had a moment. I stood in the store bawling like a baby while looking at clothes. At some point the employees asked if I was doing ok and I just replied "yes, I'm just being silly" which prompted the questions. So I answered that my father was dying and before I could get much else out one began the uncomfortable twitch and jitters that comes with the rush of not being able to wait until someone is done speaking because you HAVE to say something to fix it and you have to SAY IT NOW. So she did. She said she was sorry then rushed right into "I'm sure it'll be alright and he will most likely be fine and get all better, you never know"!! I wanted to say "Do YOU know...I mean do you even know me, him, the situation, his health, etc"???
She didn't help. She made it worse. She didn't mean too, don't get me wrong and I'm not mad at all. But saying things you know nothing about just to make yourself feel less agitated doesn't help someone who is grieving.

So we need to know that death is a subject we CAN talk about. And should. For our own health and well-being as well as spiritual health. And we need to know how to talk to each other.
So here's a link with some very helpful information and knowledge on how to handle others in various areas of grief:
Unfortunately there is very little online regarding scriptural grieving, most follow psychology ways but I have to say, these things on ways to listen and speak are not wrong. But always remember to hold each other up in the ways of scripture. If someone is faltering on trusting in God, they need to be gently reminded with verse, etc.

I'm reading a book right now that helps in this area:
Maybe one day there will be more online to glean from but until then these two put together will have to work.

Because no one going through this want's to be shushed from talking about it. They want support and love and to know that it's going to be ok....but most of all they don't want to feel alone just because you don't like talking about it.

I love my Daddy. Knowing I'm going to miss him so much is honestly what hurts the most right now.

Monday, October 5, 2015

The Slut Walk has it all wrong

Recently there was an event in LA called the "Slut Walk". There are plenty of blogs out there that have already shared all the facts about the creator of the event and the event itself so I'm just going to keep to my own opinion and experience, because that's what I'm better at and disliked most for. HA!

Ladies, oh how do I say this and make you believe it? Ladies! The Slut Walk is NOT dignified, it's trying to control everyone else around you rather than working on controlling yourself and your own choices/actions.

Now that I have the feminist movement up in arms let me share my own experience and why I believe this.
Back in the college days, oh let's face it I'd already dropped out of community college by this point and was just using "the college days" as an excuse to party. And party I did. One night a friend and I were at a co-worker's house for a party. We had way too much trash can punch (hey, it WAS college days and we were poor) and she decided to go into his brother's room and lie down for a while. I wanted to leave but she refused. His brother was gone and we'd never met him. So I went with her and fell asleep (oh for the days I could sleep anywhere). A little while later I awoke to 4 men standing over us discussing which they would like to rape first and who was going to hold us down. I FLEW up and immediately got into a fighting stance ready to fight for my life, for my body. It's just who I was, I don't fly, I fight and have always been this way. I was certainly not going to leave my friend behind whom was still passed out cold because even in my drunken state it was obvious this would only leave her a victim. The men (one being my co-worker's brother) began yelling and told me to leave thankfully rather than attack. I literally drug my friend out of there and left.
I am so thankful that this night ended the way it did. Not only did it teach me a VERY valuable lesson but it ended with us safe and it could have ended much, MUCH differently.

Ok so let's get to the nitty gritty. In NO WAY will I EVER condone rape in ANY fashion or form. Once a man, or woman make and follow through with that decision it is their own and one they must be accountable for. And I am so, so sorry for those whom have suffered this horrible action. I pray you find peace, and wholeness within yourselves knowing you are amazing and beautiful and did not deserve this act upon you. I hope they paid for their actions towards you and that you always feel safe in your life.

HOWEVER!!! Had that night ended differently would I have had to come to a conclusion at some point in my life that my own actions had brought me to that point of possibility? Yes. I would have. To be clear again, my own actions would have had NOTHING to do with the actual rape or their decision to do so. BUT, my own actions put me in a place to be vulnerable to these 4 men. My own actions made stupid decisions to drink too much and do some illegal drugs which impaired my judgment as well. My own actions left me in a room whose owner I didn't even know, much less attempt to trust. My own actions left the door open for consequence and it's only by a miracle that I didn't have to suffer that consequence like so many others have unfortunately had too.

Ok, so I know my story is different than many and I also want to say that I know there are many times that the woman had absolutely NO part or responsibility in what happened to them. But there are times, like mine, when we have to stand up and say....
---"I should not show EVERY SINGLE PART  of my body and then expect a man not to be turned on by it"-note I said turned on because no this doesn't give them permission to rape, but it does turn the switch in that you are leaving your body vulnerable for others to see.
---"I should not put myself in scary situations or places especially with those I do not know well."
---"I should not drink in excess where my actions are impaired because it's leaving myself vulnerable to others to make decisions about me they aren't responsible for".
---"I am responsible for me, and I want to cherish and take care of me because I'm important".

Remember that old saying "You dress for the job that you want". So.....if you're dressing like they dressed in the Slut Walk, what does that tell society?

See, rather than trying to control their own actions so that they have absolutely no responsibility in the horrors that may fall on women, they are trying to control those around them. They are saying they can do what they want but you cannot. It's a society that says "what offends me is not ok but what offends you long as I think it is".
So much. So much wrong with that type of thinking because, ladies, what if the men stood up and starting doing walks claiming their own sexuality and NEEDS were ok whether you thought they were or not?????!!!

So let's start thinking about what is best for society as a WHOLE, and not just our own selfish little worlds!! How can YOU better society? Oh, I dunno, maybe by not dressing so provocatively that you start teaching my young sons how to look at women with lust at the tender young ages of 9, and 11!
Oh don't worry, I'm doing my best to combat that by teaching them that this is not ok, that they need to avert their eyes because they should be kept for their future wives only, and that you should have more self esteem and esteem your own bodies higher and better to keep for those that love you more than anything. But you're making it REALLY DIFFICULT!!

Monday, October 20, 2014

Me and my issues.

Hi! I'm humbled to be writing my story for all to read. It's been a long and exhausting journey and one that not many, not even family, know the full story. I'm even going to condense it here because who wants to sit and read about my boring health issues anyway?! ;) First of all I thank you. For even giving this consideration (whether you order a shirt or not), for giving me your precious time, and for your understanding. It is the understanding people, those whom have loved me through all the ugly of this invisible disease that have made me thankful for it, even when it's hard. I've been sick most likely all my life, however it wasn't until I was 22 that the issues began to really cause a problem or make me think something was wrong. Since then my issues have compounded and snowballed one after another. Auto-immune diseases do that, you know. To make a long and boring story short let me just tell you my issues, all of them....except a few really embarrassing ones that only elderly should have to deal with. :) In no special order, because they all take on a life of their own: Graves Disease, Thyroid Eye Disease in a semi-advanced stage, Hypothyroid, 2 Tumors on my Pituitary Gland causing HypoPituitary, Severe Adrenal Failure, Addisons Disease, Bladder issues due to previous, possible Schmidt Syndrome and other Chromosomal defects, my Gut is destroyed (I no longer fully digest food), Asthma, Chronic Bronchitus, No Immune System, etc....ehhh that's most of it anyway. I have been treated for many years by many different doctors. Most do not treat by symptom but rather by following a standard protocol of the "normal ranges" in their blood tests. I have given countless pints of blood and regularly see the physicians only to be told "there's nothing else I can do" simply because their books from college state they must only follow certain protocol and to go outside that protocol and actually treat a patient would mean a risk to their practice. I don't say this out of malice, I've had some awesome Doctors, several saved my life more than once. However the way the standard medical community is taught is literally killing me slowly and has been for 35 years now. GASP! Did I just admit my age on the internet??? For more information please feel free to read about this on I am not alone, and I certainly am not crazy. This is my life, this is real. And if I don't do something I'm not going to get to meet my grandchildren. But don't get me wrong, God has always had my life in His hands. I am actually thankful for these diseases He's chosen for me. They have taught me so much, and I am a different person than I was even 6 years ago due to His persistence in giving me Grace time and time again. I could never have learned the things I have without these lessons and I fully believe He used something bad to teach me oh so much good. Many do not believe He works in this way, but I do. I see it in His Word where He does this  often (Job, David, etc). However, I also believe in being pro-active, and doing everything I can. I am a fighter, He made me this way and so He knew I would and continue to fight. Some days I lose. Some days I see progress, albeit this progress I speak of is mostly in my attitude. So, I'm ready to see progress in this failing mortal body He's given me. Whatever His plan for me I continue to grow, to learn, and to be thankful. If you've gotten this far I applaud you, and I humbly thank you for giving me just a little of your time. It's not easy, asking for fundraising but we are at a point where we are willing to do anything to get me well before something else arises in this snowball called my life. ~Deanna -

Update 1
09/01/2014by KeeseI am so thankful to the people that have donated and for God providing! I had a gallbladder removal last month. I had 1 stone, but it was 4 cm BIG!! The doctor said that was bigger than some people's gallbladders are! WOW! So, one of my issues (the gallbladder was actually what we thought was a bleeding ulcer) is now taken care of. My next big thing is the radiation and orbital decompression surgery on my eyes. The radiation is in Oklahoma City (2 hours away) and it's every day for 10 days. So getting to OKC and back daily or hotel expenses are a factor in why I haven't done it yet. Also the amounts adding up from gallbladder surgery and this radiation are extensive. I'm still trying to get to Houston, but it is so expensive! I almost feel like I'm having to pay tooth and nail just for the price of living, it's crazy. I am trying a naturalpath doctor this week. Who knows?! Maybe he will be the equivalent of Houston's wonderful Dr Hotze. It's worth a shot to try him while I'm waiting. I can't give up, my family deserves better. So blessed by your donations! You've given me hope!

Update 2
Updates10/08/2014by KeeseWell there is much to tell. I did not raise enough to get to Houston, but I DID find a Dr close by in Jenks that is very similar. And he is able to prescribe me medications from where he graduated his Doctorate even though he's a naturopath, which is awesome because it's the main thing I needed to find. I've seen him twice and the funds I did raise went towards the first appointment which covered his apt, 2 saliva tests and 2 bloodtests along with one supplement for Methyl B12. The total was $710! So those funds were perfect to get me in and going. What I like about him VS the Houston Dr is that I can still do all the testing needed but he goes more slowly (not in two days) so I don't need $6000 up front. It won't be cheap but at least it's not quite as much or at least not all at once. Anyway, I had a followup visit with him yesterday and found out that my adrenals are flatlined almost indicating severe adrenal fatigue. My sex hormone testing was low-low normal so both say that I am definitely hypo pituitary and indicate I have Addisons disease. From my research today it's likely due to all my symptoms that I have a genetic defect called "Schmidt Syndrome". But I will confirm that with the genetic testing he wants me to do next. My T3 (thyroid hormone) was still low and not optimal (I knew that based on symptoms) and still needs to be brought up with more meds. He added another 1/2 grain of meds daily. But with my adrenals being so low I also need to up my cortisol and he said he could triple it and I still wouldn't be in the normal range they are so low. But that's irresponsible so he's only doubling for now and we will test again in a month. Bringing the adrenals up will help my thyroid as well. One cannot function without the other. So I continue to be a work in progress but I am feeling much better and have much more energy. I know I am close to an optimal dose, I just need to get there and have to be patient. I'm thankful for this Dr and that I found him close by. I think he can help me and will work with me like no other Dr has. It sucks that he's self pay but I just have to work it out and save. I was even able to attend the fair for 9 hours last week and not crash the next day! The new genetic disorder scares me because of how my research says I will end up but I'm going to try to not focus on that and hopefully this will slow or deter that progress. -

Update 3
by Keese
I am still seeing the Dr in Jenks, but it's going to take so long to get straightened out that it's frustrating. My sweet husband is working all the overtime he can in order to pay for it and while I'm so thankful that it's not all a one time immense cost as Houston is it's still great, just more spread out. For example I have 3 tests on the docket I need to take but they must be scheduled further out than I'd like in order to budget them. One is $75, one is $100, and one is $125. Then a follow up Dr appt to get results-$160. Plus the medications that average $300/month.
I'm waiting on the addisons issue, but it may be Secondary Adrenal Failure due to the tumors. The tumors, I am worried about because I keep getting these huge headaches which isn't normal for me. But I'm sure I'll have them checked again end of the year or first of next.

I'm trying to figure out getting radiation and surgery on my eyes. They hurt, every day and are getting worse. But that's extremely expensive even with insurance. We're talking an easy $6000 just for radiation alone. However I need to get them fixed as soon as I can because if not I will eventually go blind from the pressure on my optic nerve.

I am starting to feel better though and while some things like the radiation are hard to figure out, the rest I'm seeing a little light at the end of the tunnel. I think maybe I'll be good on my Thyroid meds soon and as soon as my adrenals catch up I'll feel SO much better. I just hope I can be patient enough to wait.

Back to Life...Back to reALIty

I really should start blogging again. It's therapeutic...and I'm kind of good at it. I'm not being pretentious, I'm simply saying I re-read a few of my posts today and thought I need to take my own advice made me cry that advice. People, if I can make myself cry I should continue...right? Wait. That's not self deprecating is it? Is it?? Eh well. As usual I have good intentions and it comes out wrong. What's new?!

So here we are. SOOO many updates to mention. Let's do a short list and then I'll expand as I can.

Firebird left us 5 months ago. Some days it feels like 2 weeks ago and some days it feels like a lifetime. I miss her so much! She went to an extended part of her family with 8 other children. She hadn't met them before but from what I can gather she seems to be doing ok. At least I hope and pray she is. What I know for sure is that she is right where God wants her to be...or she wouldn't be there. I don't know his plan and I don't know his reasons for taking her away but I know he has them and it's not my job to question them...although I have...I just...haven't gotten any answer. So, of course, I just need to accept that his plan is greater than mine.
We are no longer foster or adoptive parents with the Cherokee Nation. There are many reasons why but I'll boil it down to that I didn't like the way they got away with so much and didn't seem to have best interest in mind when it came to the children. I'm not alone in that though, there are many previous foster parents for them I've met that encountered the same tactics they used with us. It's not nice, suffice it to say. And to avoid any more unsubstantial threats to my family from The Cherokee Nation ICW I'll just leave it at that. Yeah. You get the point.

Because of my declining health my husband has decided he does not think it's a good idea to adopt right now. I don't know if he will ever. This is an extremely painful sore spot for me so I'm just going to leave it here and keep praying he changes his mind as I continue treatment.

-Charlie Brown.
For 2 years we did 2 different types of therapy to try to treat his Strabismus and Amblyopia. One was specific to ocular therapy and trying to get and keep his eyes connected. It was $7000 which we are still paying on and it only improved him maybe halfway. At the end they simply said they'd done what they could do and he was done. Then we found out he is also SEVERELY dyslexic and began Dyslexia therapy. What was suppose to take 3 months took another year and we ended up only partially helped. Although his reading has improved dramatically. However I attribute this to him finding a love of reading as well. And I'm so proud that he does love to read. Get this, the child will not check out children's books!! The only books he is interested in are Animal books, History books, Science books, etc.  But whatever works in my opinion. He is currently fascinated with WWII and tanks.
He continues to be kind, loving, and has shown a real love of taking care of others. He's so smart and retains information like crazy.

-Kung Foo Roo.
Although he's not diagnosed yet I'm pretty sure he's got some Dyslexia and possibly some audio processing as well. I need to schedule him an apt to get his hearing checked as he's having issues with figuring out what we say and hearing us. Part of me thinks he needs to work on his listening skills and part of me wonders if there is an underlying reason. I continue to watch him though to see where we end up.
He is still funny and crazy and has no filter. He's openly honest and doesn't hold his tongue when he has a thought. I have no idea where he get's that from..ahem...moving on.

Ugh. Where do I start?! I'll wait till the next post and post my updates from my fundraising page. I need to do another update anyway.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Frozen, another context

I'm seeing a lot of flack about the movie Frozen, so I'm going to weigh in....oh don't act surprised, you know I'd have to give my opinion sooner or later. :)

From left to right we have the Queen who has magical powers, and is scared and conflicted because she's afraid to hurt or be hurt. We have the goofy guy who is a loner and his best friend Sven the animal. Top of Sven is the snowman who is, at his core, the bond between sisters and the voice of reason they don't want to listen too. He also happens to be the most lovable character. Anna, the sister who has been hurt but ready to forgive and lonely. And the prince...who's a butthead for once in Disney history.

There. My little rendition of who is who. And I didn't even give anything away! ha!

Soooo many people are saying some really bad things about this movie. But, I just don't get it. I don't see it, and I'm more conservative than many of them so it baffles me honestly.
Here's my thought. I think maybe we are getting to a point in history where people hear what they want to hear and get offended by everything else. They see what they want to see and don't like what they don't want to see. Or they look so hard for what they want that they find it, even when it's not intended....or maybe it is and I refuse to see it only seeing what I want.

So here's what I saw, let me bring you into MY WORLD for a minute here, and as usual  my world involves all those in it and how things affect them. Keep this in mind.

I saw a movie that, for once, taught about what real love is. I saw a movie that taught loyalty, and family is actually meaningful. I saw a girl, having trouble with a really scary past watch this Queen who is troubled with a really scary past make choices to shut herself away from the world....much like my own girl's current choices. And I watched her big brown eyes as she watched this Queen struggle and fight, and eventually make a choice to love and open herself up to others while trusting herself NOT to hurt those she fears hurting the very most. This Queen, who was quite content in her isolation, chose love and chose to let go of her hurt, her fears, and her past.

People. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is going to be as important to my girl as learning this lesson. The Queen learned to forgive herself and others. She breathed and allowed her family in to love her even though it was scary and she was afraid to lose her sister (family). She did what was right, even at the risk of hurting others. And along the way, her sister the princess, never gave up on her. She always chose the right path and loved her sister no matter what. My girl needs to know there are people in this world that will do this.

You don't know much about my girl yet...she's not really "mine" and that's why you don't know much about her. But let me tell you, this lesson was not the only one this movie showed her...but it was by far the one she needed the most at this time in her very scary life.

For these children in the system, they have scary pasts and they've done scary things. They are sinners, just like us. But they don't know they can "Let it Go" and learn to forgive and love and be loved. Most have attachment issues and they refuse to let anyone in. They are trapped within their own jail cells they've created for themselves so that the hurt is minimal and they don't risk hurting anyone with their words of truth about their past. They are scared, VERY ANGRY, and in agony. Even though they put themselves in this jail, they don't know how to let themselves out in many cases. Because what then? What if they go back to a scary place or to scary ppl that hurt? What if those they expose themselves don't love them or give up on them? What if what if what if?

This is her struggle. This is why I cannot hear that stupid song without ugly crying and praying and pleading with God that one day soon she'll "let it go".
This is why I spent several nights up way too late to make this for her birthday to put on her walls, as a daily reminder.

I'm not saying that's the ONLY lesson of this movie. But it's enough. It's enough to buy it and endure the 239753957350 times I'll have to hear that song and watch this movie.
It's enough to look at the ppl calling it all kinds of other weird things and ask...."Have you thought of another perspective outside of your own mind and what you want to see"??? yeahhh....I didn't think so.

Alrighty, enough for now. I think I need to go listen to the song and have a good ugly cry while I'm letting it go that you haven't.

Monday, February 10, 2014

What they don't tell you about being a foster parent

I'm going to preface with two things. 1-It's been a REALLY hard month, and day even. And 2 takes more time. Here, let me make it official with an : mark.
So 2:
Second you need to know that I DO NOT subscribe to the guilt ministry that it haunting local churches right now and misusing scripture for DHS's agenda. I am currently asking our church, and doing research on it so I cannot conclude all my findings but I know this. Taking care of foster care children is NOT a command, and you WILL NOT answer to God on judgment day if you do not choose this route. Wheeewww I said it, I finally got it out there in the open. Many of my friends will disagree with me, and that's ok. Some may even discount me as a friend based on that one statement, and that's not ok but it is what it is.
Like I said, I cannot defend that statement TO IT's FULLEST, yet. But here's where it starts: (see, I use that symbol when it's important)

James 1:27 (ESV)

27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

Ok so the basics are this: in the current foster care system where DHS (or ICW to be fair) rules in a very unGodly manner, refusing Him in EVERY can you dive into being a foster parent and still keep yourself unstained from the world? Or your own children. Ahhhh and that is where my first point and distinction lies, see that last part of the verse is often left out. They only quote the orphans and widows part. Also, in this letter (and it is a letter to a certain tribe, or group of people) he's speaking specifically to the church, thus why he mentioned keeping themselves unstained. So, if my best friend within my concentric circle and church passes away and I do not help her children when I could...yeah I believe I'll answer for that. Not being a foster parent? No. I'm sorry but it's just NOT what the text says.
It is good if you're called. It can be noble if you can figure out how to stay that way within this system. It's absolutely needed yes. But it's not a sin if not.

*Falls back in chair sighing a sigh of pure relief for finally getting that out.*

So having said that let me get back to the subject at hand. I didn't realize that foster parents play the part of the abused, the beaten FOR the child when they are in our homes.
Maybe I'm being dramatic *say it aint soooo*, maybe I can't handle it like others can. But I seriously feel like every time I get bad news, or every time I see Bio making a REALLY BAD choice, every selfish move, everytime I realize they don't actually care about these kids (once again, because you never get used to that news and it doesn't matter if you see or hear it 43543 times a week, each time still shocks and rocks you to your core), every. single. time.....I myself feel pain and heartache. No. I'm not being selfish. I'm being protective. It literally feels like I'm leaning over covering this child taking these whiplashes and beatings on my own back so that she doesn't have to feel them. I'm taking every bit of bad news and information as a scar so that she doesn't have too. She hurts too, don't get me wrong. She doesn't know what is happening nor does she understand and that is very scary in itself. Not to mention her own pain from her past, and from missing her family and friends she once knew.
But I never realized that would be a particular part of my job. I was naïve and thought I could just love and keep safe and be "a soft place to land" like so many others say right along with me. But it's so much more, and so much more painful too.

I shouldn't gripe or complain. I should take these scars and lashes Jesus did for me. But I'm not that good, graceful, or loving.
Pray for us. We need it.