What to say to someone losing a loved one

Another facet of my crazy life is that my father is at home with Hospice Care right now. Let me begin by saying that it's going to be ok. I'm going to be ok. There, now you can stop scrambling trying to figure out what to say or how to feel towards me now that I've told you that. But maybe backtrack just a little in your thinking because me saying that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It does. It doesn't mean I don't care, I do. Boy do I care. I say I'm going to be ok for the simple reason that I believe God is in control and I am trying my very best to trust Him in EVERYTHING. And I cannot deny him my complete gratefulness for the time we have had with my Dad. Nor should I.

See, 25 years ago my Dad was given 5 years to live. After undergoing experimental treatment for the particular disease he has he was providentially still alive and kicking 11.5 years ago when he received a double lung transplant. You read that right, two brand new lungs. A transplant life expectancy is 10 years and he had many many problems after his transplant. Even so, he's exceeded the expectations already. You'd think we'd be ready for this right? Nope. We are not and that is perhaps what I find most odd about this process. Well, that and how people react. Which is really why I'm writing this post so let me get to it.

Many years ago death was perceived as a natural part of life and it wasn't thrown under the rug afraid to speak of such a subject. It still hurt, but people rallied together to help and serve those whom had lost their loved ones. It all flowed very smoothly as you did what was expected of you as people were dying and had passed. Then, your neighbors and brethren would do the same for you in time. Then, with the progression of mystical things and beliefs the subject became Faux-Pas. As if you would curse those around you by speaking it. As if YOU had ANY control over when and how death comes. We stopped believing God was Sovereign in this issue.

So I'm here today to say it doesn't help NOT to talk of such subjects to those whom are hurting. You don't have to know what to say, but I am going to talk to you a little about what NOT to say to help you out. I have done fairly well with the news about my Dad. The hardest part is not being with him, and not knowing what is going on in his health (because of the aforementioned disease he's not a typical hospice case and doesn't follow the "norm"). However I have my moments where I have a break in my smile or disposition. The other day I was clothes shopping for light clothing to wear the next time I'm at his home. He's cold a lot so keeps his house very warm. I checked my balance on my card while in the changing room and thought "well, I might as well shop for black dress clothes while I'm here". And then it hit me....I was shopping for funeral clothes. Yup. I had a moment. I stood in the store bawling like a baby while looking at clothes. At some point the employees asked if I was doing ok and I just replied "yes, I'm just being silly" which prompted the questions. So I answered that my father was dying and before I could get much else out one began the uncomfortable twitch and jitters that comes with the rush of not being able to wait until someone is done speaking because you HAVE to say something to fix it and you have to SAY IT NOW. So she did. She said she was sorry then rushed right into "I'm sure it'll be alright and he will most likely be fine and get all better, you never know"!! I wanted to say "Do YOU know...I mean do you even know me, him, the situation, his health, etc"???
She didn't help. She made it worse. She didn't mean too, don't get me wrong and I'm not mad at all. But saying things you know nothing about just to make yourself feel less agitated doesn't help someone who is grieving.

So we need to know that death is a subject we CAN talk about. And should. For our own health and well-being as well as spiritual health. And we need to know how to talk to each other.
So here's a link with some very helpful information and knowledge on how to handle others in various areas of grief: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/supporting-a-grieving-person.htm
Unfortunately there is very little online regarding scriptural grieving, most follow psychology ways but I have to say, these things on ways to listen and speak are not wrong. But always remember to hold each other up in the ways of scripture. If someone is faltering on trusting in God, they need to be gently reminded with verse, etc.

I'm reading a book right now that helps in this area: http://www.amazon.com/Sunsets-Reflections-Lifes-Final-Journey/dp/158134645X
Maybe one day there will be more online to glean from but until then these two put together will have to work.

Because no one going through this want's to be shushed from talking about it. They want support and love and to know that it's going to be ok....but most of all they don't want to feel alone just because you don't like talking about it.

I love my Daddy. Knowing I'm going to miss him so much is honestly what hurts the most right now.