The things they say

So tonight going out to eat we passed an 18 wheeler stuck on a corner close to our house. It's one of those corners this frequently happens for some reason (not sure why they don't learn but anyway...). For some reason Kung Fu Roo was just struck dramatic by it (not hard for this child).
First he said he was sorry for the trucker and hoped he was ok, we assured him he was.
Then he wanted to go help, we explained police were already there and would be upset if we interfered.
This we explained three times.
Then he stated "poor poor trucker"
Then he wanted to go get him some food and a blanket, we let him know he didn't wreck only got stuck and would be unstuck shortly.
Then he wanted to go help again.
And finally ended with some more "poor trucker".
This lasted about THIRTY MINUTES, all the while us telling him how sweet he was to be concerned but really, it's ok.

So after eating we come home, truck has been all cleared out and unstuck.
Charlie Brown says "the truck is unstuck!" all excited after hearing our long, drawn out conversation in which Kung Fu Roo was still left uneasy.
We exlaimed "yes it is".

Wouldn't you know the next thing out of Kung Fu Roo's mouth is..."SEE! I TOLD you Charlie"!!!
As if Charlie Brown was the one exhausting the issue....

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Our solution for Christmas 2012

Given the previous post I have to tell you we could not let go.

Scott told the children there was no Santa back in July. We simply could not see a way around him being an Idol and distracting our children from Christ. We felt they needed a grasp on fiction vs fact in this area. We hardly ever really mentioned him to our kiddos or made him a big deal anyway, but others did.
*what I should tell you*
We still watch santa movies, and have a few images on leftover wrapping paper. But now our kiddos know he's totally fictional and it's more like watching a good movie that is nothing but made up.

We DID decide to do a tree. I don't really have a biblical excuse for this. Growing up, some of the only good memories I have of my mother are Christmas, and I have many of my childhood ornaments. This is one of the few times I can think of her and smile and not have sadness interrupt from bad memories. I cherish those happy ones, in order to not be bitter about my childhood I HAVE to cherish any and every good memory I can muster. I love our tree. I love decorating it with my children and how our house looks this time of year. Thus the only thing I can say is that if it is a sin, I am a sinful person and I'm so thankful Christ made a new covenant with us to cover my sins.

We tried to do less gifts and told all the relatives not to focus on the gifts please. They did though. Oh well, we will continue to try to teach the boys not to expect these gifts and to be thankful for them. For some of our family this is how they show their love, I will not deny them this even though I wish we could find a happy common ground that didn't involve things.
*what I should tell you*
I adored watching our children open their gifts and seeing their faces light up and the grace they gave each of us over everything, even the clothes. And I'm SOOOOOO excited to go shopping for new clothes with the amazing gift cards I received. I can't help it, I am.

In conclusion, I don't really know what we *should* be doing or not doing as Christians. I don't know where to draw the line and I'm sure we will continue to ask and explore the subject over the next year. I have a feeling we shouldn't be celebrating as we do, and some say that is legalism...I prefer biblical. Still, I am not worried about it now that it's said and done. In truth, I love this time of year and the celebrations whether good or bad.
And, I'm trying my best to honor Christ while also making the most out of the time with my family and friends.

Having said that. I think only Charlie can say what I wanna say...

But remember, this is the ONLY thing really important...
or Charlie Brown's version of it anyway.

Our struggle with Christmas

We struggle every year with whether to do a traditional Christmas or not. Truth be told, we don't feel it biblical. What are my reasons? Glad you asked...
1-We can't find it in the bible (the way we celebrate, of course the Birth of Christ is in the bible but his birthday is sometime between September/October, not December, plus let's face it...our current Holiday is not about Christ or celebrating Him), except in the case of the tree which this verse is:

Jeremiah 10:1-10

King James Version (KJV)

10 Hear ye the word which the Lord speaketh unto you, O house of Israel:

² Thus saith the Lord, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them.

³ For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.

⁴ They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.

⁵ They are upright as the palm tree, but speak not: they must needs be borne, because they cannot go. Be not afraid of them; for they cannot do evil, neither also is it in them to do good.

⁶ Forasmuch as there is none like unto thee, O Lord; thou art great, and thy name is great in might.

⁷ Who would not fear thee, O King of nations? for to thee doth it appertain: forasmuch as among all the wise men of the nations, and in all their kingdoms, there is none like unto thee.

⁸ But they are altogether brutish and foolish: the stock is a doctrine of vanities.

⁹ Silver spread into plates is brought from Tarshish, and gold from Uphaz, the work of the workman, and of the hands of the founder: blue and purple is their clothing: they are all the work of cunning men.

¹⁰ But the Lord is the true God, he is the living God, and an everlasting king: at his wrath the earth shall tremble, and the nations shall not be able to abide his indignation.

2-There is the History of the Holiday which noone seems to know anymore.
(disclaimer-I don't agree with every single thing in this, they seem to not know the bible so take those parts with a grain of salt. However, I figure they DO know their History, or at least they should...you know...being the History channel and all). This is just part 1. I figure you can search for the others yourself if you are so interested.

3-Exodus 32.
I hear so many ppl saying "well, we will dedicate the holiday TO Christ instead, we cannot just give up our traditions". But then there is this verse. Isn't that what they did? And God killed them all.

4-We are so tired of it being about the Presents. We see how it negatively affects our children as well. They get greedy WAY to easily as it is our human nature. This becomes focus. Don't get me wrong, we appreciate everything we are given and are so grateful for others being so giving to us. I just don't want our attitudes to be ungrateful and greedy about it.

5-You call it legalism, we call it trying to decipher the Bible and learn what really IS God's word, not our own because these days those two are SO mixed and messed up.

6-Santa is an Idol. Plain and simple. He distracts children from Christ and takes all their thoughts. How can you even try to focus on Christ when you say "santa is a state of mind of loving and giving towards each other? When CHRIST is/was the only spirit of Love and Giving and our entire lives should be about trying to become more like Him?! When one thing distracts us or we try to be like another then many things distract us and soon enough we hardly think of Him unless it's our own made up version of Him we've created based on all these other characters we so adore.

So we took many months discussing these issues trying to figure out if/how we would celebrate as our own family.

Fear. The place I'm in.

I live in fear. I have opened my eyes to the fact that it has me disconnected and stalled where I am in life. There are many reasons for it. Most recent is my illness I was plagued with for 6.5 years with no viable solution watching myself go downhill while feeling helpless to stop it. Then, the last year having to realize that I'm slowly dying and so weak and breakable that I could not even dance in the kitchen with my husband any longer.
Perspective is when you realize that you've been afraid of your father dying for 23 years of your life only to realize that he didn't even discover or have serious side effects from his autoimmune disease until he was 38, not having his first major surgery until he was in his forties. You discovered yours at 27, and had your first major surgery at 33. All along you thought your father was the weak one that wouldn't live a full life when here you are....he's 61 and you're 34. You've had less than half the time he has.

That last sentence. It makes me seize with fear and stare at it, reading it over and over again trying to come to grips with the facts. You proly don't understand, I don't expect you too. It's not you whom have had to battle already for life, for experiences, to live fully and fully live. There's no way you can understand, not really. Not until or if you get hit with bad news and have to start fighting for your own life, which I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I thought I would be more joyful after that surgery, have more life in me. And, I guess I am more joyful, I try to choose my attitude every day. I choose to look for things I'm thankful for, and there are SO MANY things. I am so blessed. And yet here I sit, still not connecting with my children, still online and frozen in fear to live fully and fully live.
When I realized this about a month ago I started a journey, one I'll be on for a while I'm sure. It was to find out why I'm so seized up, why I don't get out there, why I hide in my house more often than is character of me, why I watch from the sidelines rather than engage and play.

A few things I've discovered, but don't yet know the answers to these issues:
-I'm still very VERY weak. I've never been so weak in my entire life. I've always been strong (willed, and physically too). I can FEEL my weakness, my muscles tire easily, my body gives out. It's like I can't get my muscles to work some days, others like I'm walking in water and having to struggle.
-I'm scared of getting hurt and not being able to take care of my guys. Dislocating my knee last summer was all too much of a wakeup call to how brittle I am. What if next time it was worse? We have no family and few friends that could help take care of us if something happened to me. That's a scary thing.
-I'm tired. My attitude is so much better than it used to be but in that, I hide how tired I am. How emotional I feel (I cry so easily lately). I know the main issue with this is that I'm still HYPO thyroid and that it takes a while to get my hormones all straight where I'm functioning at my best so I'm trying to just smile through it and wait it out. My next Dr appt is Jan 3rd.

There are some answers to my issues, waiting on a euthyroid state so I'm not as tired, and building muscle plus losing weight..but the last two I'm not sure I can, and I don't know how to be honest...without freaking out in fear or being too tired to function that is. But there are so many underlying issues as well.
Therefore I'm reading a book to see what a biblical take on it is. It's called From Overcoming Fear, Worry, and Anxiety by Elyse Fitzpatrick.
Here's an excerpt that hit me today....

...After Jonah had preached to the Ninevites, he went up on a hill to watch and see what God would do. The day was hot, and as Jonah camped our under a little shelter he had made, God caused a plant to grow up over him that protected him from the heat. The bible says that Jonah was very happy about the plant. He probably thought that God was bringing this comfort to him because he'd done such a good job of preaching. But then God "appointed a worm" to destroy the plant. Next, He sent a "scorching east wind," and "the sun beat down on Jonah's head." This made Jonah very uncomfortable and angry. Why was God now bringing this discomfort into Jonah's life? Was God angry with Jonah? Was He punishing him? No, god loved Jonah and sought to instruct him. What was God teaching Jonah? God was teaching Jonah who He was. He was teaching him that He was in control. He was opening Jonah's blind eyes so that he could see the flaws in his thinking that caused him to be so disobedient, angry, and unhappy.
From Overcoming Fear, Worry, and Anxiety by Elyse Fitzpatrick.

She touches on how the need to be in control is also a form of sinful fear. There are ppl in my life whom I so wish would study Jonah with me. They need this. I need this. I am like them.
But I cannot make them see what they do not want to see. All I can do is learn for myself and maybe, possibly change this fear into trust in the Lord.
As I learn, and things start making sense I'm going to be writing about it on my blog, because my blog is my diary.
And now that I've gotten serious on you and you see how I really am crazy... I can say I told you soo.....

New family for Christmas

My  husband thinks I'm going crazy. And he might be right but that's another blog....
Lately I've been a ball of emotions, and when I say "ball" I really mean "bawl"...and I don't mean the normal D where I am feisty, firey, and raw. No. I mean like yesterday we were watching a Christmas movie and here I go crying again, then Scott looks at me and says "really?!" in a sarcastic voice, and I slap my hand on my lap saying "I have GOT to stop watching Christmas movies!!!" and then I'm laughing AND crying...at the same time....for about 10 minutes. sigh.

Ok so realistically it's much about my hormones and the fact that I'm not there yet where I need to be at the thyroid level. It can take up to a year to get to a Euthyroid state after Thyroid removal. Mostly I've been good, no anger, no depression, no overreacting on a mean level. I've been able to keep my calm...except when it comes to crying...especially when watching Christmas movies, or talking of our future child who is currently an orphan just waiting for a family to call theirs forever.
That one.
That one really get's me.

I was hoping to have him/her before Christmas so that they would not have to be alone or be an orphan thru yet another Holiday. We spent last Christmas knowing they might be out there waiting on us, but we had to wait in the process in order to get my health better. And so it is. And so this is the second Christmas we might be spending without him/her.
That's hard.
I keep telling Scott that it makes me so sad to think of him/her sitting there, singing sad Christmas songs out a window wishing for their family. He raises his eyebrow in that "I'm not going to tell you your crazy, but my eyebrow suggests that you know that I know it already" look. Ok fine. You want proof buster?! I'll give you proof.

That last one KILLS me.
And even this one. She's adopted you know.

I know it's all in God's perfect timing but I sure wish we could have him/her by Christmas and until then I guess I'm going to be a mess of emotions until I know he/she's safe in our arms...at home. 

A Hateful Holiday?!

Ok I'm going to say it, and I'm sorry to whomever I might offend with this statement but think about it, cuz its the truth. Tulsa is not the most friendly place. Ppl here are very into their own families and groups and find it difficult to add new ones to their circles. Not as unfriendly as West Texas, don't get me wrong...that place can be downright hateful.
Still, I have noticed that since thanksgiving ppl are extra mean, especially while in the safety of their own cars. In the past three days we've gotten yelled at by a fedex driver who thought the boys ran behind his parked truck (they did not, we came up from beside it), flipped off for slowing down on an off ramp, tailgaited WAY too closely numerous times because we are driving too slow, and been passed aggressively. These are just the times I can think of.
Well, I'm trying this new thing see...I'm trying not to let my mouth or feisty attitude get in my way or out of hand. I'm asking myself "is this loving, helpful, or necessary" before I say things to others. If it is not, it stays to myself. Now, I'm not great at it yet but I have made progress. This new attempt, it has me doing something surprising. Instead of reacting, I find myself looking at them. I mean REALLY looking at their faces and not in an aggressive way, in an inquisitive way. I find myself thinking towards each...why are you so upset? Why are you angry? Is it really me turning instead of going straight? Or is it something else?

And you know what? In each and every one of them it's always always something else. Their stressed and angry faces stick even once they've passed me. Even once I'm no longer in the area or the object of anger things don't change.

And I can't help but think that it's because of what the holiday has become that makes ppl so upset. Because it's not just anger on their faces. It's the unmistakable look of disappointment, and even pain. A pain that makes me think they don't feel adequate.
Now, what around the holidays would make ppl feel angry, disappointed, and inadequate?
Think about it.

Could it be???

We have allowed big department stores and TV to tell us that unless they have all these THINGS, they deserve better. That these things are what makes us happy, what causes us to actually HAVE A GOOD CHRISTMAS. 

A good Christmas and good memories is all based on things and how many we have. 

HERESY and FOOLERY!

So I leave you with these simple questions.

In 6 months, in 2 years, or at the end of our lives... will those boxes under the tree or what is in them REALLY matter? 

Where is your life? Where is your focus? What is important to you? 

Proverbs 31 - Where exactly should you be?

The below blog is taken from The Time-Warp Wife. 
It's amazing, and right where I am trying to be right now. Well, not right NOW because obviously I'm writing on my blog and letting my children play rather than being completely attentive but it's baby steps people! 
The only thing I need to emphatically add to this is that we seem to do alot of assuming on the Proverbs 31 woman. PLEASE remember that this account is of her entire lifespan, not of one period in her life. It is not possible nor is it God Centered to be able to do everything all at once and still be doing exactly as God calls and focusing while learning more about him. Something always suffers, whether it be your "CROPS", or your "CHILDREN". However, when you step back and realize that this was her entire LIFE, it makes much more sense what one can accomplish. Her children are small, she teaches and focuses on them and her household. They rise up to call her blessed (grow up to honor her), and she considers a field (she can, she doesn't have small ones anymore to focus on). 

Ok, I admit I don't know the exact timeline of it, maybe she did sell candles or clothes while her children were still young because God made her to do so successfully without sacrificing her children or attention too. Some ppl do a great job of having a side business and not losing focus. Me? I did not. 
The point is, we don't have to BE EVERYTHING or DO EVERYTHING to be like this woman. We just have to do what we are called to do. And it's right in the bible God's intentions for every mother and wife...beyond that it's what he's specially made you for. Some seasons of life it ends there, some season it's more and you are bouncing around like the energizer bunny. 

From the Time-Warp Wife.....

Has there ever been better direction for time-management than that which comes from, Proverbs 31? I'm reminded of one popular rule in dieting, "Don't waste calories by diving into the bread basket." Here, the same rings true about life:

She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. ~ Proverbs 31:27, KJV

My job as a keeper of the home is to watch over the affairs of my household. This means that I need to engage myself in the home, watching over the affairs of each and every person therein. Where are my children? What video games are they playing? What books are they reading? Who are their friends? Is anything troubling my husband?

These are a few of the things we notice when we're actively involved with the family. With one look my husband can tell when something is bothering me, and I can tell in a split-second when Nathaniel is guilty about something. The more face-time (and I'm not talking about iPhones here) I have with these people the more I'll understand their needs and how fulfill them.

The thing is, moms are busy. There's no doubt about it, but yet I see some incredible moms who manage their house well, raise God-fearing children, have a great marriage, and still find time to write books, take classes, run small businesses, or work outside the home--the Proverbs 31 woman was a prime example of that. But how is it possible for anyone of us to do it all and still be engaged with the family? 

It isn't. There isn't one of us who can do "it all," but we can manage to get a lot done when we put our affairs in order. That's where the second part of this verse comes in when it talks about eating the bread of idleness.

Consider the old saying, "There's a place for everything, when everything is in its place." While that's true, I'll also add this, there is no place for anything when junk is in it's place. I can't find the space to put my bath towels when my hall closet is packed with sewing supplies dating back as far as 1992. I can't find room for soup ladles in a drawer that's accumulated broken and useless utensils for the past 23 years.

We can visualize this problem when it comes to the drawers and closets in our home because the stuff eventually starts to fall out, but it's a little harder to see when we're talking about the closets and drawers of our life. What I mean by this is that the storage spaces we refer to as "time" tend to fill up with phone calls, watching television, browsing the internet, hanging out our friends, being over-committed, sitting out in the sun, over sleeping, and the like.

Any one of those things are okay, but just like anything else, they can add up to cramped spaces. The question to ask yourself is what is most valuable to you?Prioritize faith and family first-- the rest will fall into place. Be willing to shed some "idle bread" and you'll free up valuable space in your life. 

You are loved by an almighty God, 

 

Visit Time-Warp Wife on facebook: Click here 

facebook fast

http://www.dedoimedo.com/life/facebook.html

Seriously I'm having withdrawals. It's been 3 days...since I've been on my facebook page and since I turned it off. *pout*
It's good to fast now and then, put your perspective in order. There are ALOT of negative things about facebook, and some really good things too but when you find yourself zoning on the computer every chance you can that's when you've become a zombie, and neglect your children...all in the name of friends who do care, but most who don't. This is where I am/was.
And since I've been off I've noticed a few things.
-I am addicted, I CRAVE to hop online and check out what everyone is doing
-So is everyone else. I've hardly heard from anyone I normally speak too because, what?, I suppose texting or *heaven forbid* actually SPEAKING on the phone is outdated. And, since I'm not on their facebook radar I guess well I'm just not on their radar anymore. Is this what friendship is reduced too?!
-I'm no more lonely now than I was with facebook. It's surprising how disconnected it makes you without you ever realizing it. You think you're all connected and they are really friends *like I said, some are..but they are few*.
-My children have missed me. They are so much happier knowing that I'm listening and here for them and actually doing things I said we'd do rather than hopping online and letting the time fly by.
-My children have developed behavior issues without my knowledge. Just a few, because for the most part I have awesome kiddos *by the grace of God*. Still, there are a few things. Like the pestering each other for attention, not being kind to each other when they do, and Kung Fu Roo has developed this thing where he's keeping tabs on everything in a selfish way to make sure he gets to do whatever it is he wants. grr. That one has me drained from teaching against it all day and I think it's going to take some time to get him out of this phase. *sigh*.
-I'm doing more physically now, and using my brain more. Which, I'm tired at the moment but I"ll get used to it. hehe

And if that didn't convince you why ppl need a break sometimes here's another blog I found that said it well. I thought it was funny anyway. Enjoy!

Sunday Random

Thanksgiving is past. It was a rough one this year on me, for several reasons. My father has been in the hospital and on Wed I was looking at the very real possibility that I may lose him over the Holidays. Losing him is something my soul must prepare for sooner or later since he had his double lung transplant 8.5 years ago and the life expectancy is 10 years but I never once thought about it being around the holidays. The holidays are some of the only really good memories I have of my mother (well, those that do not surround food) and the thought of losing my father around the only time I had good memories of one parent to leave painful memories of the other...it brought me to my knees. Thankfully he is making a recovery now and everything looks to be hopeful for this holiday season. 

I'm not very good at hiding my pain. I may not talk much about it but it does affect my attitude, I get quiet and reserved. And, having my mil around usually makes me quiet and reserved anyway. I'm sad that relationship is stuck in the past and I suppose my worry made things a lil worse this holiday. I digress, I can't fix things on my own or please everyone I suppose. 

We did get some Christmas shopping done successfully though. We've let everyone know the boys do not need much this Christmas, and asked that they not spend too much money on them. I think we were successful on that. My goal is that they not become greedy about getting gift, and it's so easy to do. 

We HAVE decided to put up the Christmas tree. We don't do Santa, and believe Christ has never been in the tradition of Christmas but like I said before, the Holidays are some of the best memories I have and it's really hard to let go of the tradition. I realize that the israelites couldn't either and God killed them all for it but I just have to believe that this is why he created the new covenant, because he saw how hopeless we are without Christ to fulfill it. I love Christmas. I DO want it to be about Christ, and family. That is all. 

The month of December is all we have left for Charlie's visual therapy, I'm so thankful it's almost over but at the same time I'm not sure he's ready. It doesn't seem like he's all the way connected yet. I'm hoping they have good definitive news for me because I won't stop therapy just because it's "possible" he's healed and there's a chance he might regress. Nope. We DID NOT come thru all this to regress. 

I'm having a hard time with fear. Now that my Thyroid is out I'm at an impasse. I'm afraid of where moving in any direction will lead us, or the pain it might cause too. I'm so scared to move because moving means unknown. 

I want to learn to crotche, and also to play the piano. Moreso the piano I think. But we do not have a piano. 

Our second homestudy is done and we're waiting on the surprise one. After that it's waiting for the paperwork to be complete to receive our certification. One we are certified we should be put in placement's eyes. Once placement has a match up they will call us. I'm scared of placement. I'm scared they won't see our paperwork and will call with a child in mind that meets none of our specifications, I mean, we don't have many. 

Fall Science Experiment

So I found this nifty lil experiment and thought I would try it. Here's the full steps on Leaf Colors and Chromotography
Check it out.

We picked leaves
we cut them up
Put alcohol on them and let them sit.

Then we put in coffee filters overnight and dried them. In the morning the filters each had a distinct line with which color the leaf would/would not turn (our evergreen was green, red was orange, yellow was yellow). And I didn't get the picture of the result cuz I'm just not that good. Eh, get over it, I do what I can. ;) :P

Fall leaves

Today we took on ye ole ritual of jumping in the fall leaves.
You see it's not normal for us to be able to partake in this right of childhood. We're from the desert remember?! Leaves are not something we saw in great amount.
So, now that we've enjoyed the Tulsa fall we decided it would be a beautiful day to teach the boys what fall leaves are all about. Neh, not Chromotography...we did that last week. (I know, we smart aint we?!)

Take every moment to enjoy life. We don't do this enough. I rarely do it anymore. I need to work on that.
But today....oh today the boys became boys and yup..they had a blast.
JUMPING IN THE LEAVES

Adoption- Do you tell them they are adopted?

One big question many ppl have once they have the adopted child(ren) in their household is

"should we tell them they are adopted"? 

Personally I believe it is much more harmful to NOT tell them and then they find out in the teen years or early adulthood. That is the type of thing I truly believe messes with their own self awareness and can be devastating for them to suddenly be asking "who am I then", or "was there something wrong with me"? 

Those years are hard enough, that's when we *SHOULD* be transitioning to adulthood and learning more about ourselves as God made us. 

I believe it's better to tell them age appropriately they are adopted. For example, at 2 years old you might not say "OK, your birth mom gave you up and we got you as an orphan from the system" but you might say:

 "I'm so glad God gave you to us finally!" 

"I'm so thankful God grafted you into me"

"our family is complete now that you are here and we are so grateful". 

There are so many loving ways to allow the child to come to a slow and healthy understanding that they are adopted but loved just as much and just as much a part of your family as any other child whether grafted or birthed but still gifted to you by the Master. 

Another thing we plan on doing is praying for, and honoring the birth parents. 

We very much believe that children need to know the truth, but not necessarily the EXTENT of the truth until they are much older and in a mature state of mind in order to handle it. So, the gritty details of why their mother was sick (we are adopting out of foster care so there is a great chance they will have had some issues that led to us being gifted these child(ren)) but they will be told that their parents had issues, and were not healthy and well. They will be told that their parents made a wonderful decision to give them life. And that God gave them to us to be their family because their birth parents just could not give them the life God had planned for them and that it does not mean they were not wanted. It means we need to pray for the birth parents, because they were sick and had many issues. Therefore we should pray that God take hold of them and make them His rather than turn them over to themselves. 

*insert* this is only in our situation, parents whom have willingly given up their children for a better life are making a brave, awesome, and difficult decision but one BECAUSE they love the child(ren), not because they didn't. That's what we would tell the children in this case...but most likely our case will not be this one. 

And so as they get older we will most likely say things like:

"yes, you were grafted onto us but we're not a family without you"

"You are adopted BECAUSE you were wanted. We wanted and prayed for you for 3 years before we finally were able to hold you".

"YOU ARE this family. We are a team and a team works together". 

Oh, we just can't wait to meet our future child(ren)!! 

This is what waiting to tell them looks like to me. Embrace it, it's part of who they are, of who God is making them to be and he has a perfect plan for them. Every ending is a chance for a new beginning. 

Bye Bye Hashimotos!!

This Definition used to be at the top headline of the blog. Now, it's just a post because it is NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE!!! WOOT WOOT! 
Having a Total Thyroidectomy removed all my Hashimotos Disease. YAY! One down, two to go!

Hashimoto's disease is a disorder that affects your thyroid, a small gland at the base of your neck, below your Adam's apple. The thyroid gland is part of your endocrine system, which produces hormones that coordinate many of your body's activities.

In Hashimoto's disease, also known as chronic lymphocytic thyroiditis, your immune system attacks your thyroid gland. The resulting inflammation often leads to an underactive thyroid gland (hypothyroidism). Hashimoto's disease is the most common cause of hypothyroidism in the United States. It primarily affects middle-aged women, but also can occur in men and women of any age and in children.

Doctors test your thyroid function to help detect Hashimoto's disease. Treatment of Hashimoto's disease with thyroid hormone replacement usually is simple and effective.

Symptoms:

Hashimoto's disease does not have unique signs and symptoms. The disease typically progresses slowly over a number of years and causes chronic thyroid damage, leading to a drop in thyroid hormone levels in your blood. The signs and symptoms are mainly those of an underactive thyroid gland (hypothyroidism).

The signs and symptoms of hypothyroidism vary widely, depending on the severity of hormone deficiency. At first, you may barely notice any symptoms, such as fatigue and sluggishness, or you may simply attribute them to getting older. But as the disease progresses, you may develop more-obvious signs and symptoms. Signs and symptoms of hypothyroidism include:

• Fatigue and sluggishness
• Increased sensitivity to cold
• Constipation
• Pale, dry skin
• A puffy face
• Hoarse voice
• An elevated blood cholesterol level
• Unexplained weight gain — occurring infrequently and rarely exceeding 10 to 20 pounds, most of which is fluid
• Muscle aches, tenderness and stiffness, especially in your shoulders and hips
• Pain and stiffness in your joints and swelling in your knees or the small joints in your hands and feet
• Muscle weakness, especially in your lower extremities
• Excessive or prolonged menstrual bleeding (menorrhagia)
• Depression

Without treatment, signs and symptoms gradually become more severe and your thyroid gland may become enlarged (goiter). In addition, you may become more forgetful, your thought processes may slow or you may feel depressed.

When to see a doctor
See your doctor if you develop these signs and symptoms:

• Tiredness for no apparent reason
• Dry skin
• Pale, puffy face
• Constipation
• Hoarse voice

You'll also need to see your doctor for periodic testing of your thyroid function if:

• You've had thyroid surgery
• You've had treatment with radioactive iodine or anti-thyroid medications
• You've had radiation therapy to your head, neck or upper chest

If you have high blood cholesterol, talk to your doctor about whether hypothyroidism may be a cause. And if you're receiving hormone therapy for hypothyroidism caused by Hashimoto's disease, schedule follow-up visits as often as your doctor recommends. Initially, it's important to make sure you're receiving the correct dose of medicine. And over time, the dose you need to adequately replace your thyroid function may change.

Causes:

Hashimoto's disease is an autoimmune disorder in which your immune system creates antibodies that damage your thyroid gland. Doctors don't know what causes your immune system to attack your thyroid gland. Some scientists think a virus or bacterium might trigger the response, while others believe a genetic flaw may be involved.

A combination of factors, including heredity, sex and age, may determine your likelihood of developing the disorder. Hashimoto's disease is most common in middle-aged women and tends to run in families.

Complications:

Left untreated, an underactive thyroid gland (hypothyroidism) caused by Hashimoto's disease can lead to a number of health problems:

• Goiter. Constant stimulation of your thyroid to release more hormones may cause the gland to become enlarged, a condition known as goiter. Hypothyroidism is one of the most common causes of goiter. Although generally not uncomfortable, a very large goiter can affect your appearance and may interfere with swallowing or breathing.
• Heart problems. Hashimoto's disease also may be associated with an increased risk of heart disease, primarily because high levels of low-density lipoprotein (LDL) cholesterol — the "bad" cholesterol — can occur in people with an underactive thyroid gland (hypothyroidism). If left untreated, hypothyroidism can lead to an enlarged heart and, in rare cases, heart failure.
• Mental health issues. Depression may occur early in Hashimoto's disease and may become more severe over time. Hashimoto's disease can also cause sexual desire (libido) to decrease in both men and women and can lead to slowed mental functioning.
• Myxedema (mik-suh-DEE-muh). This rare, life-threatening condition can develop due to long-term hypothyroidism as a result of untreated Hashimoto's disease. Its signs and symptoms include intense cold intolerance and drowsiness followed by profound lethargy and unconsciousness. A myxedema coma may be triggered by sedatives, infection or other stress on your body. Myxedema requires immediate emergency medical treatment.
• Birth defects. Babies born to women with untreated hypothyroidism due to Hashimoto's disease may have a higher risk of birth defects than do babies born to healthy mothers. Doctors have long known that these children are more prone to intellectual and developmental problems. There may be a link between hypothyroid pregnancies and birth defects, such as cleft palate. A connection also exists between hypothyroid pregnancies and heart, brain and kidney problems in infants. If you're planning to get pregnant or if you're in early pregnancy, be sure to have your thyroid level checked.

Treatment:

Treatment for Hashimoto's disease may include observation and use of medications. If there's no evidence of hormone deficiency and your thyroid is functioning normally, your doctor may suggest a wait-and-see approach. If you do need medication, chances are you'll need it for the rest of your life.

Synthetic hormones
If Hashimoto's disease causes thyroid hormone deficiency, you may need replacement therapy with thyroid hormone. This usually involves daily use of the synthetic thyroid hormone levothyroxine (Levothroid, Levoxyl, Synthroid). Synthetic levothyroxine is identical to thyroxine, the natural version of this hormone made by your thyroid gland. The oral medication restores adequate hormone levels and reverses all the symptoms of hypothyroidism.

Soon after starting treatment, you'll notice that you're feeling less fatigued. The medication also gradually lowers cholesterol levels elevated by the disease and may reverse any weight gain. Treatment with levothyroxine is usually lifelong, but because the dosage you need may change, your doctor is likely to check your TSH level every six to 12 months.

Monitoring the dosage
To determine the right dosage of levothyroxine initially, your doctor generally checks your level of TSH after a few weeks of treatment. Excessive amounts of the hormone can accelerate bone loss, which may make osteoporosis worse or add to your risk of this disease. Overtreatment with levothyroxine also can cause heart rhythm disorders (arrhythmias).

If you have coronary artery disease or severe hypothyroidism, your doctor may start treatment with a smaller amount of medication and gradually increase the dosage. Progressive hormone replacement allows your heart to adjust to the increase in metabolism.

Levothyroxine causes virtually no side effects when used in the appropriate dose and is relatively inexpensive. If you change brands, let your doctor know to ensure you're still receiving the right dosage. Also, don't skip doses or stop taking the drug because you're feeling better. If you do, signs and symptoms will gradually return.

Effects of other substances
Certain medications, supplements and even some foods may affect your ability to absorb levothyroxine. Talk to your doctor if you eat large amounts of soy products or a high-fiber diet, or if you take any of the following:

• Iron supplements, including multivitamins that contain iron
• Cholestyramine (Questran), a medication used to lower blood cholesterol levels
• Aluminum hydroxide, which is found in some antacids
• Sodium polystyrene sulfonate (Kayexalate), used to prevent high blood potassium levels
• Sucralfate, an ulcer medication
• Calcium supplements

Fall Hiking Talimena

As promised, we DID go hiking today, well...hiking is what THEY called it. By the end of it I was personally calling it "where I almost died" while panting to the truck with legs like jello and a face like a tomato.

My cruel and insane "so called" gentlemen decided it would be "fun" to take me on a "short walk". Pfffttt

FIVE MILES LATER I was dragging my fat butt back up a mountain grasping for help and gasping for air while the sweat (or tears, I'm not sure which) fell down my tomato-red and swollen face.

Ok, it wasn't QUITE that bad (yes it was actually), but I have to say this is only my dramatic side coming out. While every bit of those words are true it may not have *exactly* happened that way in my mind.....(until the very end, then yes, yes that's exactly what happened in my mind). But before that part (where my face almost popped) it was GLORIOUS. The colors were so beautiful and the forest beautiful. I found myself wishing that I lived there, right there at the bottom of the mountain I'd just hiked down without thought of how I was going to get back up (mostly BECAUSE I didn't want to go back up I thought I could just stay there and fly in necessities).

All kidding aside I really did love every minute of it, but I have to testify a moment about my husband's patience and understanding. His Grace spoke to me in ways he has not a clue of (till he reads this of course).
See, with how bad I've gotten with my health problems/diseases and how weak I am I wasn't aware of this until today but...I was really scared. Physically and emotionally terrified. I'd never been that person before but I was today. I was so scared and stressed my back and shoulders were killing me, I felt like I had to tinkle when I didnt, etc. I didn't even realize it until we were on the trail and I almost broke down into tears because of it.
My diseases took more than my strength, body, will. They made me fearful. Of Today. Of Tomorrow. Of the present. I live in fear. This is something I will need to keep addressing because it's so much more than I want to get into right now but my husband was awesome. When I paused, he paused. He walked behind me up and down the mountain so that he could try to catch me if I fell. He never once got frustrated, complacent, or even so much as raised an eyebrow. He was understanding and I'm so thankful because his attitude helped put me more at ease and allowed me to relax a bit and enjoy it, which I really needed.
I have so much more than just that one mountain to climb and I'm scared, but I'm going to pray through it and with my husband at my side I think I might just be able to do anything again...someday.
Here's to my post surgery new life waiting for me!

The drive in, mountains! 

Oklahoma Colors!

 Don't let this sweet easy walking look fool you. Right around that corner it drops slowly, and then BOOM, down the side of the mountain, which you must get back up to come home, unless you're rich unlike me and can have those supplies flown in of course.

 They had so much fun! I don't normally show them on my blog, so enjoy. Charlie and Kung Fu Roo

I really enjoyed today (believe it or not) and I loved hiking again and being with my guys without distraction of electronics. I sure do want to do it again soon!