Thanksgiving is past. It was a rough one this year on me, for several reasons. My father has been in the hospital and on Wed I was looking at the very real possibility that I may lose him over the Holidays. Losing him is something my soul must prepare for sooner or later since he had his double lung transplant 8.5 years ago and the life expectancy is 10 years but I never once thought about it being around the holidays. The holidays are some of the only really good memories I have of my mother (well, those that do not surround food) and the thought of losing my father around the only time I had good memories of one parent to leave painful memories of the other...it brought me to my knees. Thankfully he is making a recovery now and everything looks to be hopeful for this holiday season.
I'm not very good at hiding my pain. I may not talk much about it but it does affect my attitude, I get quiet and reserved. And, having my mil around usually makes me quiet and reserved anyway. I'm sad that relationship is stuck in the past and I suppose my worry made things a lil worse this holiday. I digress, I can't fix things on my own or please everyone I suppose.
We did get some Christmas shopping done successfully though. We've let everyone know the boys do not need much this Christmas, and asked that they not spend too much money on them. I think we were successful on that. My goal is that they not become greedy about getting gift, and it's so easy to do. 
We HAVE decided to put up the Christmas tree. We don't do Santa, and believe Christ has never been in the tradition of Christmas but like I said before, the Holidays are some of the best memories I have and it's really hard to let go of the tradition. I realize that the israelites couldn't either and God killed them all for it but I just have to believe that this is why he created the new covenant, because he saw how hopeless we are without Christ to fulfill it. I love Christmas. I DO want it to be about Christ, and family. That is all.
The month of December is all we have left for Charlie's visual therapy, I'm so thankful it's almost over but at the same time I'm not sure he's ready. It doesn't seem like he's all the way connected yet. I'm hoping they have good definitive news for me because I won't stop therapy just because it's "possible" he's healed and there's a chance he might regress. Nope. We DID NOT come thru all this to regress.
I'm having a hard time with fear. Now that my Thyroid is out I'm at an impasse. I'm afraid of where moving in any direction will lead us, or the pain it might cause too. I'm so scared to move because moving means unknown.
I want to learn to crotche, and also to play the piano. Moreso the piano I think. But we do not have a piano.
Our second homestudy is done and we're waiting on the surprise one. After that it's waiting for the paperwork to be complete to receive our certification. One we are certified we should be put in placement's eyes. Once placement has a match up they will call us. I'm scared of placement. I'm scared they won't see our paperwork and will call with a child in mind that meets none of our specifications, I mean, we don't have many.
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