Bye bye Firebird, Keep singing darlin!

Yesterday was one week since Firebird left to go with her Bios.
We knew she may be leaving, we did stand up against it a bit since it was not the right time or in HER best interest, and we dreaded the day when it was scheduled. We were a family in crisis for several weeks prior. She was scared, and showing all sorts of signs about it, as well as verbalizing her fears but still that day still came.
However, when that morning came to say goodbye we all woke up with peace. Her fears which had rendered her into a 3 year old state of nervous reactions, and trauma behaviors just the night before had melted and she was able to smile again. And somehow we were all able to smile for her too, even my most dramatic son. We didn't even cry that morning as we had the night before. It was completely phoenominal that peace that overcame us, and has been with us since. A God given gift, to tell us to let go and give her life into HIS hands.
No, I don't believe all is perfectly ok in her life now. No, I still don't think it was time yet. But the peace is there and I'm so very thankful for it.

She was never meant to be ours, and it made me realize how each of our children are just gifts from God for a season. Only he knows how long that season will last. Hers was a short season but it was not without many a lesson, some very difficult to learn, and some marvelous.

I hope she sings. Not because she's trying to make someone love her, or impress those around her...but for herself alone. I hope she dances, even when she's scared....to see that life is beautiful even in the rain. I hope she is scooped up by our Heavenly father and taken as one of HIS own, in His perfect timing and used for a great purpose.
We did all we could for her while she was here, and as a foster parent that's all you really can do.

Homeschool 2013/2014

I thought I had updated what curriculum we are using this year but I can't find it now so here goes.
Our year in homeschool

Charlie is still having issues with his Dyslexia, and Character Training as well. He refuses to write more than a couple of sentences, even though his handwriting is pretty good for his age! He loves to read, unless it's an assignment and then he breaks into tears while striking the fetal position.
Kung Fu Roo is still learning to read, and enthusiastically although slow. He is showing some of the same signs as big brother in writing, speaking backwards so it makes me worry so slowly is best I think. He's all of a sudden struggling a bit in math but hanging in there.
Neither have a love of school at the moment, and just want to have fun.

Taking all into consideration here's where we are currently.

Bible: Answers for Kids Bible Curric
Didn't finish it all last year so finishing it out this

Math:
Charlie: Teaching Textbooks 3 and 4 (hoping he'll finish 3 soon but he's struggling SOOO much)
Kung Fu Roo: Horizons Math 2 Workbook

Science: Answers in Genesis Science - World of Plants workbook this semester, choose another next semester

History: Mystery of History Volume 1

Handwriting: Handwriting without Tears #3, and Cursive for Charlie

Journal: Wildcrafting, learning about native plants for food and medicinal purposes
Alternating with Bible Verses and discussions

Extra Curricular Science: Lego Robotics Class month of October

Having said all that, I'm also looking into Unit Studies because I want them to love school, and love it big time. I want them to look forward to it and us to have fun. An October Unit Study, and a Thanksgiving one that includes colonial times, and a character training one. I bought these three this morning and am going to see about them. We may just learn to love learning this year.
Before I go further let me say this. You don't have to agree, this is my school and my choice. I am doing what I feel best for my children's future, and eternity.

1 year since Total Thyroidectomy!

Hello anniversary! I must admit, this is proly my weirdest claim on anniversaries. I have many really great happy ones, and a few sad ones but a "had my Thyroid taken out anni" just seems weird to me!
But really, it's more of a thankful anniversary. It's more of a one more chance at life anniversary.

So it's been 1 year and I feel.....FANTASTIC!!!
Like. I never really knew how crappy I actually felt every single day before fantastic. Like I thought feeling like this ended in my early 20s because that was what getting older just...was. I was SO WRONG! I mean, don't get me wrong I'm not skipping around like a flippin teenager anymore (so wish I was though), but I feel good. I have energy, but am working on getting more. I am actually ABLE to lose weight for the first time in 10 years!!! That started 3 months ago if we're being really honest....you'll see how much below. ;) I can assess things without getting too emotional. I'm generally pretty positive...although still way to sarcastic and ornery for my own good but apparently that part doesn't go away when you change your body chemistry and it's just my personality...YA...who KNEW?! I'm WAYYYY more calm most days. We won't talk about the other day when I envisioned my hands around my certain oldest preteen's neck as he was screaming back "no" at me...we just won't go there mmmmkay?! I get to enjoy most days, and I am much more thankful than I ever used to be. I have realized I am stronger than I ever knew, starting with how much I was doing back in Midland with being a VERY busy Photographer, Homeschool mom, etc to now when I wonder how long I'll be able to walk without tiring today. I am much less fearful (thank the good Lord) and am still working through some of my remaining fears. It's scary, you know...being told "there's nothing else we can do, but you still have several few good years left I'm sure" while you're body is failing, you can't stay well, your bones are breaking from dancing in the kitchen with your husband (he still feels guilty about that one), and you can't walk one block without falling over from exhaustion.
God has richly blessed me more than I deserve and I intend to be thankful!
But it's not all cookies and rainbows (Ok, it proly is more cookies than I'd like to admit). I still have things to work out, get better with, etc. My cortisone is still too low. I still have several autoimmune issues possibly due to Addisons Disease but right now nothing is being done. I still have ALOT of weight to lose, a lot of muscle to gain, and energy to get back. There's.....errrrrmmm more issues that start with an H and has to do with sitting....yeahhhh we'll not go there either (my blog, I'll do what I want). I still have Graves Disease and it's still affecting my eyes. I will proly have to have surgery on my eyes to remove some of the swollen muscle behind them that is causing them to push out buggy like. They hurt most days and now I have black spots every day. Not sure why. I have a bleeding ulcer that needs to be seen about...ok so I said I'm more positive, I did NOT say I've learned not to worry. I still have Sleep Apnea (proly due to weight) and have to mess with that hot masky mess (sleep ap peeps..you know what I'm talkin-bout). And I still battle with being tired more than I'd like.

But you know what?! I chose to see the good. I choose to be thankful for everything I HAVE now, and for most of all...the hope. I lost that hope once, I do not intend to lose it again. I am so thankful God gave me another chance and I will not lose sight of that. I have bad days but then I put on my big girl panties and deal...or vent to the nearest friend who's not tired of hearing it...and THEN deal but either way...I deal. So many lessons he's taught me. I'm thankful for being sick, thankful for the healing, thankful for today, and thankful for the Hope.

Ok so for my Thyroid peeps looking to see what it's like and where I'm at....
I am on Synthroid 125mg  daily, Cytomel 5mg 4 days a week
I also have to take: Vit C, Vit D 6000 Ius, Iron (always low), Omneprasole, Potassium, Fiber, and Tylenol PM. These are my required...sometimes I'll take others like fish oil or CQ-10, Essential minerals, etc.

Here's my scar

really?! It HAD to be crooked??? ;)

 







Reasons not to help foster children...

So many ppl are worried that if they foster it will negatively affect their family.
We've been actively fostering Firebird for 6 weeks now and I have to tell you, they are right.

We've discovered that fostering makes it extremely difficult to keep my house up in the same manner. I'm too busy healing a broke heart and that takes ALOT of loving/training 24/7. AND I now have to spend more money on clothes for someone else rather than myself.
Vanity

Our budget is now very tight. We have another one in home to buy clothes for, school supplies, entrance into movies and anywhere else you go, extra food, etc. Yes there's a reimbursement but it doesn't cover all your expenses usually, just helps a lil with them. And you don't want to know when it is well probably start receiving that reimbursement!!  Yeah. Proly more like 4 months in before we see any of it the way it looks now. I can't purchase things I want too. I can't have money to myself and I certainly don't get date nights at the moment.
Greed/gluttony

It's REALLY hard to sit around all day while trying to teach 3 children to love each other and how to act/ react appropriately with patience and love.
Sloth

I must listen to talk of another mother when I am the one doing all the work on a daily basis. And I cannot hold grudge or be upset about that. I have to love the mother too, for the sake of the child. And I have to be ok with the fact that no matter how much I adore her all she wants is another.
Envy / pride

I am forced on a daily basis to love someone that has very little love for me in return. Her main focus is her Mama. And some ppl don't even get a lil love because of how broken these kids are. I have to be kind when I'm not getting anything in return. I have to show love when I don't feel like it. I have to hold my tongue when there's plenty I would love to say that's not so nice (not towards the child of course). It's all give give give with these kids. And sacrifice. Oh don't even get me started on the daily sacrifice of the above things.
Grace and love like Christ loved us

That training/loving I spoke of? It really is 24/7. You have a broken child now therefore all your attention is on them, not for safety sake (usually), no, it's because you have to teach proper behavior, give reaffirming words so often you get sick of saying the same thing. Stupid low self esteem, ugh!
Patience

And my BIGGEST struggle is that I'm FORCED to believe that my plan may not be the best plan for this lil life I'm Caring for. I will have to let her go, where I won't know into a life I'm not in control of. After loving and caring for her as my own for so long I have to release in a cruel twist of the plan. And I have to be happy and sad both to be fair.
Faith

It's obvious how this is hurting my family isn't it?! I mean, we're being forced to learn things like giving up: 
Vanity
Greed
Gluttony
Laziness / sloth
Envy
Pride

And beyond all comprehension we're being forced to learn in the most difficult capacity things like: 
Grace
Loving like Christ loved us
Self Sacrifice
Patience
and 
FAITH

Seriously, I don't know why anyone would want to do this thing...this caring for the orphans?! 

"Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." James 1:27

"Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute."
Psalms 82:3

"In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” Acts 20:35

"To do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more." Psalm 10:18

Because it's not about you. 

It's a command from God.

Ok so excuse my weird sense of humor, what can I say?! I'm REALLY good at sarcasm!
I won't lie though, it really IS hard. Like HARD HARD. And it's not for everyone, but everyone can help the orphan in some capacity. And foster parents aren't perfect, or saints. We struggle, daily. Again-HARD. 
Look in your local community and see where you can help. The bottom line of the issues with our foster care system is that the government has taken over the churches problem. And it really is a completely broken system, just like the broken children in it. The system is failing the children, what can you do to help??

in the trenches

We are on our 4th week of fostering our Firebird.
Hmmmm
I don't currently have any witty stories or cute things to write.

Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been bad. It's just...hard. Hard in so many ways that you would never think of unless you are here, in the beginning, where we are.
It's hard knowing where you stand, what your rights are, what to say, what not to say, how to say certain things in order not to offend, what's best for the child, etc.
It's hard having a child put in your home, having someone tell you to treat this child as your own, love and guide them....and then something hurtful happens and they say no, you can't tread here...stop, this is not your place. It's hard seeing a child in your household hurting, sad, lonely, scared and not being able to do anything about it except let her know you're here for her (and her mommy) and not against her, while you try to sooth and she won't allow you close.
It's hard setting limitations, being scared when you do because it may or may not offend. It's hard trying to love someone who does not love you, who's only affection resides with the one person she cannot be with right now. It's hard figuring out what support there is close-by to your family, to her, to her family.
It's hard on your family. Your children think you're showing preferential treatment because you don't yell at her like you do them when she doesn't listen. They don't understand that she's new, and scared, and doesn't know us well yet so we are more gentle in explaining things and how they work.
And they say it will show any cracks in your marriage if they were there. And trust me on this one. It does. It ABSOLUTELY does. And you'd be rather surprised by how quickly it does. It's HARD.

They call this the trenches of caring for the orphans as the bible commands us. There are many ways to serve and taking in foster children is, quite literally, the trenches of this battlefield.

It's not easy here in the trenches. It's consuming. It's hard to find a new normal. It's hard to trust, to allow God to work HIS will, while not obsessing about what mine would be had I my choice.

Ppl say "bless you for doing this". Yeah. No. Not so much. We're being challenged and stretched and our faces thrown in the mud.

But it's where we are right now. It's what we are treading thru and learning about.
There is good news to our story, though it's not a long one yet.
Firebird is healing.
She is learning to trust. She is giggling and happy...most of the time. She is opening up and processing some of her pain.

She is precious. Just as I've said before. She's a doll and she's worth it, these trenches. I would tread thru them for her any day.

Much like cleaning poop

Ppl are scared of the "bad side" of foster care. They hear the horror stories. They hear a few adoption stories. They don't hear the good stories...why? Cuz we're busy chasing children, teaching, disciplining, loving them, and cleaning poop.
So you want to know what the regular every day things are?

When "Firebird" came into our home just 5 short days ago she brought with her a pair of shoes...covered in poop. Apparently she'd stepped in poop somewhere and it didn't get it cleaned off. It had been there a while and thus dried.
I put them in the bathroom and ignore them until today.

Therefore I had to soak them in hot water....WITHOUT getting the leather inside wet or I might ruin them more. I had to scrub and pick them. I had to keep wetting them and being so careful with them. My fingernails poking in the rubber prying out that stubborn dried for too long poop. It took a while, too long for itty bitty shoes but I finally got it acceptable. Not clean but acceptable where they could be worn. I did not, however, keep from getting the leather wet so we still have to see if they will make it and not be forever changed by wet leather smell.

Now. Picture those shoes are actually a child and change all the actions to what you'd do with a child who's come into your home broken, and dirty, and hurt.

It's not your fault the poop got there. It didn't come from your yard. But you are the one who has to bear the smell and scrub gently trying to bring some restoration in that child while he/she's in your home. You have to cover him/her with love and do things to heal/fix him/her while being very careful not to cause more damage that may or may not be permanent.
And then. When you're done, you still don't know. You don't know if the child will bear the scars/marks/smell/etc of the poop they've been through.

You just have to do the best you can, and trust in God to do the rest. 

And for us, that journey has just begun. 

She sings, our Firebird

Friday evening we got a new lil foster girl in our house. Our other guy went home early and back with his family where he needed to be several weeks ago.

This lil girl is PRECIOUS. We love having her here. Her circumstances are different than many children in the foster system and she hasn't suffered as many have, however anytime you are away from your parents you suffer as a child so it's always hard nomatter what the circumstances.

She is shy. She loves to laugh. She is quiet. Has a big smile when she starts warming up to someone. She's beautiful. She's spunky and likes to be a lil Momma to everyone around her (she told me my car was dirty when I had literally 3 pieces of paper on the floor, HA! I just told her she hadn't seen NOTHING yet. ;P) She's observant, and I'm sure we'll find out a lil obstinate too.

And she sings. 

Not in front of ppl, only when on her own when she thinks noone is listening. She sings in her room and she sings in the restroom. She has a beautiful voice, and although she doesn't know I am listening, I am. And I love it. I think it is her way of comforting herself. Of being artistic and expressing her emotions.

And I think it means that nomatter what, she's going to be OK. 

Because nomatter what happens in life, or what God has planned for her...she can always...ALWAYS sing. And I pray she does.

Sing little Firebird. For God holds you in His hands even though you don't know that yet. Sing your little heart out until all is OK in your world. 

I pray God uses us in her and her mother's lives and that we can help them through this time in their lives and be a Godly influence to them, teaching and loving on them. Will you pray this with me please?

I'll be calling her "Firebird" on my blog and facebook because of the book. If you haven't seen the Movie "Unconditional" you should. You REALLY REALLY should. It's not about foster children, but the premise is the same. Do something with your life, love others, give to others, forgive others.
And little Firebird, she learns that even in the darkest storm, all you have to do is break through the clouds to see the sun. Because THE SON is always there, even on your darkest days.
It fits because she is Cherokee like me as well.
So, Firebird it is, Firebird she is.

Since everyone asks anyways...

Everyone always asks how I'm feeling and to tell you the truth I have to stop and think about my answer. Not in a bad way, just a "wait, I have to remember I was so sick" kind of way because, really, I'm feeling

AWESOME!!!! 

So I'll do a lil update for you with a VERY exciting bit of news in a closing paragraph (well, it's exciting to me anyway). 

9 months out of major surgery. 12 months ago I was dying, with no hope. My diseases had snowballed to an extreme and I couldn't stay well, I could hardly get out of bed most days, I had no strength, and pretty much everything in my body was beginning to fail me in one way or another. 

TODAY

My Thyroid blood test levels are as low/high (depends on which level you're looking at) as they can get without me being at any risk. My meds are right where they need to be. 

My vitamin and Iron levels are still a bit low but we're working on that. My adrenal glands are functioning right below normal and my pituitary is secreting some growth hormone (these are the few not good things), and we'll look at what to do about that in the future if need be. 

But mostly: I feel better than I have in 10 years!!!!

I'm starting to lose weight, and I actually CAN now (woot). I have energy. I am gaining strength (lil by lil). I am gaining more confidence and trust and putting some of my fear to rest (again, lil by lil). I am so blessed and SOOO thankful for this new lease on life. AND I'm so thankful for being sick because God really taught my family and I some very valuable lessons through that and while I was. Of course I'm thankful for the healing, but I'm also thankful for the past painful, sick 8 years and what it taught us. 

I have ups and downs, of course. Some days it is hard to get out of bed. Sleep is sometimes a rarity, especially when they first adjust meds again. Certain times of the month I feel like I've been ran over for a few days (I'm serious ya'll, it's EXTREME. I think I'm getting sick every time for those few days). I still get tired easily and that can be frustrating. My memory only came back a lil, I still struggle with fog brain. I hate this body I'm now in (although I try to be thankful for it, too) and hope to continue to be able to work on it and make it thinner and healthier Deo Valinte. 

But you know what? 

I'm more thankful than I've ever been. I smile ALOT more. I laugh alot more. I enjoy being around people and friends I'm given. I feel better, and therefore I act better. :0) 

I'll take the lil frustrating things because they come with ALOT of good things, especially the way I feel most days now which is sooooo much better! 

And the most recent discovery.....

I HAVE AN IMMUNE SYSTEM AGAIN!!! 

I"m not kidding either. For the past 8 years I've gotten sick ANYTIME I was even close to a sick person, and everytime it came near me or in my household. I was getting close to having to be hospitalized because it always took MONTHS to get over what started as a cold because it always went to my lungs and turned bronchitus or pneumonia. I would have to practically hide from society just to stay sort of well. 

But. 

And I feel like there should be a drumroll here.....

in the past two weeks TWO of my guys (Kung Fu Roo and Daddy) have had a cold (diagnosed by the Dr)........AND.....

.................................
I DID NOT GET IT!!!! 

Thank you Lord, you've blessed me more than I deserve with new health and a new life while here on earth the time you've allowed! 

It's the first of June....really?!

My these last few months have been crazy. We've been on vacation to Branson, MO and had a blast. We really enjoyed our time there and learned several interesting things.
-Branson is kind of for old ppl.
-The food is bland, and EXPENSIVE, doesn't matter where you go
-Downtown has THE BEST lil fudge and chocolate shop, it's really worth the drive alone
-The Ducks have lasting effects that make you lose your mind (They let you keep the quackers...no really, thanks I appreciate being quacked at by two separate boys for hours on end).
-Silver Dollar City is AWESOME, BEAUTIFUL, and soooo much fun! Way expensive but way cool!
-Oh, and that "light sales presentation" by the resort that hooks you up? Yeah, not so light...points for effort guys, too bad we're not suckas!!! ;)

We have been doing therapy again for Charlie Brown finding out that he is also SEVERE Dyslexic...seriously..can this kid get a break?! Therapy has been OK, I'm not really sure where it's heading but we're hanging in there and sticking it out. MUCH cheaper than Visual therapy I must say.

We aren't done with school for the year, we'll be doing very light schooling thru the summer. I'm talking reading, math, science, BOOM...we're done. I'm looking into Unit studies as I think they would be really fun but I"m not sure I have the wherewithall to do them and continue the "rabbit trails" every day. It's alot of effort on Momma's!

Kung Fu Roo is good, silly as ever and I post his funny sayings regularly on my facebook. We've discovered he's COMPLETELY terrified of Tornadoes.

Speaking of, we've had one go right over our house and 2 within 5 miles this spring, not to mention the HORRIBLE ones we've had in state causing major destruction......but I don't have to tell you that, it's all over the news and even People Magazine.
However, we've also had a very wet spring and we are hoping that's the end of the drought up here for a long time. Everything is SOOOO green and beautiful. I don't appreciate the cotton wood trees due to severe allergies while in bloom but that's about it. I'm currently trying to make all the Tulsa Urban Gardeners agree with me to make all cottonwoods extinct. So far I've got three on my side. haha

We are still waiting on our baby girl anxiously but we DO have a new addition to the house. His name is "inside tornado", not really....but really. :) He's 4 and has some issues. We only have him temporarily and maybe not as long as we'd thought. Unfortunately when he came there was alot of stress and anxiety that came with him (not his fault) due to agencies, daycares, his issues and us not having education on them or support, etc. He would really benefit and excel in a home that was therapeutic and stable I FIRMLY believe. I'm praying so hard they find just that for this lil guy. He's a sweetheart and so eager to please he just needs to learn a few things and that will take time and patience. He HAS blessed us though, and I will continue to have concern for him even if not in our home.

We also have 7 other additions....CHICKENS. They are now about 13 weeks old and doing very well. They are NOT easy to raise from chicks though I tell ya. Can't wait to have fresh eggs..even our neighbors love watching them.

I started a small container garden this year. We have beans, onions, 2 carrots (no literally two left thanks to a rabbit), 3 tomato plants, bell peppers, sweet peppers, and lots of herbs. I would like more but it's really hard when you can't work the land for a garden. Maybe next year!

All that has kept us very busy and doing well.

Babies

First. You need to read this:
http://www.boundless.org/adulthood/2013/why-have-babies

Then watch this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_HLK8nTCODQ

I have been pregnant 7 times. You read that right. SEVEN PREGNANCIES.
Those that vaguely know me just did the math and now have questions, considering my staunch conservative position. See, they know (and you most likely do too, considering my posts/cartoons on this blog, that I only have two children.
I have lost 5. 1 Ectopic, 1 DNC (due to heart not beating and my body not working properly), and 3 natural miscarraiges. Let's be perfectly honest here, there may be more that I'm not aware of. See, I took birth control for many years and I only know now that my pills and the Mirena IUD I had actually didn't prevent pregnancy as was promised/advertised. It just stops the fertilized egg from implanting and becoming viable. Thus I am so sorry I ever trusted the medical professionals that offered them, I am so sorry I took them and didn't follow biblical principle. I have asked forgiveness, and I hope I can one day forgive myself.

And you know what? Seven is not enough for me. God created women to yearn in her inmost being for babies. Because he wanted the earth filled, and us to create arrows and disciples. I only realize this recently because that yearning is so great. I would have more if I could. My husband made a decision that he felt was best for our family because of all my health problems. Pregnancy only exaggerated them and made them worse. It was a very real possibility that pregnancy would kill me. He didn't want to take that chance, so he had a vasectomy. I thought him brave at the time, I mourn it now. He does not, and that's ok. He wasn't made with the same yearning I was, we understand that about each other. He's patient with me and I understand him, and that he felt it best for our family to keep me. See, it's much easier to sacrifice yourself for your family than it is your spouse.

And so we enter the world of foster care with a family goal of adoption. We don't see it as an option, we see it as a duty, to answer the call God has put on my heart. We are Emergency Care, Long term Foster care, and Adoption out of Foster care.

Some people applaud us. Some people think us crazy. Some people work against us to convince us not to do this, they are not supportive and angry about our choice.

"If we understand adoption biblically, we ought to be leading that effort, not surprised by it". Voddie Baucham.

We understand the words in the bible. We understand to follow them is not always easy. We step out in faith. We need more babies! 

But I have to be honest with you. I'm scared. I'm worried, and I'm nervous. We have an opportunity to help a family out this summer and I have a knot in my stomach about it. I'm told this is normal but I'm so worried. It is not the vision we had, it is not the opportunity we wanted because in no way will he ever be ours, it is only short term, but it is presented to us and we feel it is a duty. So pray for my worries please?! Even though my beliefs are firm, my nerves still need support from those around me.

Judge not...according to appearance, but JUDGE WITH RIGHTEOUS JUDGMENT

I have to preface this post with the fact that I am in a mood. And when I say I am in a mood I mean... I . AM . IN . A . MOOD

You've been warned. Don't care? read on then.

I am so tired of people bringing up Matthew 7: 1-2
Oh yeah. And defending man under that verse. As if MAN were worth anything. As if we have power, or due reverence.
Also these verses: John 13: 34-35, 1 Corinthians 13
Love DOES NOT mean not offending people. It does NOT mean to "coexist", to agree with, to not offend, not speak against, etc. NONE of those things are the biblical definition of what LOVE actually is.
Jesus says "love one another, as I have loved you".

Does Jesus ever tell someone they are ok as they are? Does he say he doesn't want to offend someone? Does he tell them to not judge each other?

NO! 

He tells us to keep each other accountable. To discern whether someone is in Christ or not, he even says HOW to tell (see fruit and changes made). He warns us over and over about leading others astray. 

So why is it not ok when you bring up scripture telling someone these things? 

Love is telling someone what they are preaching is not biblical. Love is warning others that what their eyes see and ears here is against the bible. Love is standing, when everyone else follows like sheep. Love is saying the truth, even if you lose a friend over it. Love is willing to be the person noone at a certain table will talk too because you've put scripture where they are blaspheming the bible. 

Because the absolute WORST thing you can do......

is not offend and let them walk straight into hell. 

IT IS NOT ABOUT THIS LIFE. It's about what comes after and if what you are doing in this life get's you eternity of pain I would rather love you and hurt you here hoping you see truth. 

The bible offends. It's not meant to make you feel good all the time. It's meant to tell you what lowly creatures us men are. That we are nothing compared to our Savior, that we have no power, nothing but servants we are. And because he LOVES us he died for us. Knowing who he is and who we actually are should humble you more. 

Dyslexia?

Ok so I've posted about Charlie Brown having Audio Processing Disorder, and Strabimsic Amblyopia which we did visual therapy for. Also, our disappointment with visual therapy.
Well, in searching for our next option (because we just didn't feel like this was the time to lay down our swords and say "this is it for him") I had been asking around quite a bit about the options in my town. I'm new, I have no clue (hey, that should go on my bumper).
There are just so many options but most only deal with one area (speech, reading, or writing, etc) and cost thousands of dollars. I was thinking about maybe going unconventional with him in the way of school next year. Maybe doing alot of research, increase our fun reading, no workbooks or traditional homeschool curriculum (in the way of grammar and reading, math would still be teaching textbooks) and see where it gets us.
I've seen him regress this year in reading and writing, and even his attention skills.
I don't know if this is because of my lack of teaching abilities or his lack of wanting to pay attention to Mommy rather than that beautiful and oh so sweet teacher he had last year in private school (group homeschool) but whatever the cause I just feel that if we don't get a grasp on it now he's going to continue to have trouble.

In asking around ppl kept recommending this Dylsexia Therapy they'd gone thru with their kiddos. I knew he had some dylexia but didn't know how badly it affected him. Still, we went for an evaluation.
Based on her questions she deemed that he is SEVERELY Dyslexic and needs therapy.

She hasn't really worked with him yet so I reserve that diagnosis until she's seen his work and how his mind works...and also whether it's actually helping him or not. This particular place deals with every area he's having trouble in (reading, writing, comprehension, verbal instructions, etc) and begins in the brain with "defragging it" or getting it to fire correctly in the processing areas. Then, she builds on that.
It's pennies compared to the thousands we would otherwise be trying so we decided it's worth a try.

Beginning next week we start a different kind of therapy. Dyslexia Therapy. I'm learning more about it but it does seem to go right hand in hand with APD.

Praying this helps him become strong in those areas.

Might wanna check your bible....

Ok so I had this idea...and I'm not saying it's the best of ideas but I personally think it's pretty funny. Call it my twisted sense of humor if you will, still once it was in my weird and anti-social brain it had to come out. So bare with me and realize I'm only doing this FOR HUMOR. 

**preface/protecting myself from verbal onslaught** 

---these things, I've said many of them, thought many of them, and DONE many of them. I am nooooooo better than anyone else by any means!!!! PLUS, this is not to judge anyone NOR am I calling anyone out. It's not my job to judge your salvation nor will I.... your words, however, well some a those can be put up against the bible and lose. Mine can too. So this is funny, yes. But, it's also meant to be thought provoking, of your own accord, to what God calls you to see. And if He doesn't, fine, just have a laugh at the things you think are funny/ironic, and scowl at those you don't. *smiley face* 

In pure Jeff Foxworthy style. things that make you go "hmmmm".....

If you've ever....

-started sighing loudly while making referee type signals to the preacher because he's cuttin into your game....you might wanna check your bible.

-used the words "That doesn't sound like a God I would want to serve".....you're obviously thinking more of you and less of Him so.....you might wanna check your bible.

-watched Joel Olsteen online and thought "that made total sense"...you might wanna check your bible. 

-gotten up late, wondering if it's ok to wear the same clothes you wore to the bar last night...you might wanna check your bible. 

-dropped your kids off at six flags over Jesus, stopped by the local coffee bar, and chatted it up about last night's party all before even sitting in your seat for service...you might wanna check your bible. 

-used the words "getting mah Jesus on" on facebook, during sermon/worship...you might wanna check your bible. 

-said God gave you the ability to control the weather, yet you didn't check yourself in for accessory to homicide the last time a tornado wiped out an entire town...you might wanna check your bible. 

-If the words Doctrine, Theology, Propitiation, and Sovereign all sound like Mandarin...you might wanna check your bible. 

-If your churches Music rival's some of the wildest concerts you've ever been too...you might wanna check your bible. 

and finally (for now),,,

-If you think following Christ is easy...you might wanna check your bible. 

Ok be nice pretty please. I just thought it was funny. :) :) And I laugh in thankfulness at where I've been and how far I've come. 

You need to know something

I am SO thankful.

I'm thankful for my Endo that saved my life. I'm thankful for my husband and family. I'm so very thankful for my friends new and old. I'm thankful for this blog and the few brave souls whom read it. I'm even thankful for those that don't because, really, it's my diary.

I am not saying I'm "THERE" yet. But what I can tell you is I am close. For the first time in about 8 years I feel SEMI-NORMAL again. I feel like I'm me again, and I have some energy.

There was a time, many years ago my husband looked at me and said "I miss my wife" because for so long I was so sick and daily felt miserable. No one could tell this as my issues are not visible from the outside. But it affected my attitude. I knew it was and I felt so terribly guilty about it...but had no idea how to change it. I affected him and others around me, and I'm sorry for that. Still, no one knows exactly how bad I felt, exactly how week I was, or how tired with so many other symptoms you couldn't see. *I* didn't even realize how badly I felt to be honest with you. It happened so slowly over so many years that it sort of became my "normal". It's a tricky/sneaky thing these unseen diseases.

But now....Oh Praise the Lord for now. It's like my eyes have been opened or I've transformed from a Caterpillar into a Butterfly. All that pain, tiredness, weariness, etc...I can now be thankful for how I feel. I can now look back and Praise HIM I no longer feel that way (most days).

I am more thankful than ever. 

For my new found health - For the health I'm not even aware of yet (that which WILL come once meds are finally stable) - For those who stuck it out with me through all those bad years - For the lessons it's taught me AND my family (my boys are such caretakers now) - For a new chance at this life and living it to the fullest each day - For the lessons He has taught me through those health issues (and there are many).

The national symbol for those with Graves and Hashimotos Disease or even those that have had a Thyroidectomy is a Butterfly.
-The thyroid is the shape of a butterfly
-Often before proper treatment you are very sick, and once proper treatment happens you feel SO different, SO much better...as I do already. Therefore they've deemed both stages the Butterfly stages. You were a Caterpillar and now you've blossomed into a beautiful Butterfly. Often physically and mentally.

Did you know.....

That when a Caterpillar enters it's cocoon it goes into a sleep like state that is weary and weak. He shakes at times, and sleeps at others. Once he's ready to come out of the cocoon the fight is on. There is a tiny hole he makes but for some reason he only makes it impossibly small. Then he works and fights to get out of this hole. It's painful. He bleeds. He struggles. He squeezes himself and loses water and weight while trying to escape. Once he escapes he is fragile, his wings are brittle and crooked. BUT, with some time they straighten, dry, and connect. Once this happens he is beautiful and he can fly.

*Interesting Fact* 

If you "help" the Butterfly in his struggle by opening the hole where he doesn't have to struggle so much in getting out....he will NEVER be able to fly.
It is by God's design that he MUST struggle, bleed, go through that pain IN ORDER that he can fly when God is ready for him too.

Imagine what God must put us through in order for us to fly?!?!?!

Adoption Update

Ok so we are OFFICIALLY certified with the Cherokee Nation Indian Child Welfare.

I am at a point right now that I don't have the most positive experience or things to say. I think all foster parents go through good AND bad, but by the time they tell you any of the bad it's overrun with all the good, either that or it's a horror experience and everyone always warns you of those. I'm here to tell you of neither. So far, for us, it's just been more of a pain in the rear than anything else. And since I don't have my precious kiddos in home to overrun the bad I'ma tell you about it. Why? Not to make the system seem bad, not to complain rather just to let you know what it's like, and to document our experience.
So we have been in certification for FIVE MONTHS. It was supposed to be 3 max. Our social worker quit and when he did he left ALL his families unfinished and in chaos. He had no notes on two of our home studies so we had to redo them. This means we did FIVE home studies.
Our new social worker was great. She was efficient and organized, a complete difference. She got everything together very quickly but then noticed we didn't have our TX background check. So we had to wait another month for that to come in.
It's been ridiculous. One thing after another.
In the meantime I've heard about how great the need is with DHS (Department of Home Services). They have 102 children in shelters sleeping on cots, and so many babies that they are going from emergency home to emergency home every 2 weeks with no security.

So first thing I need to update with is that we have gone from Adoption only to foster to adopt status. I don't expect everyone in our family to be excited or supportive of this decision. After all there are alot of sad stories about fostering, and it IS a risk we've decided to take. We may go through several children before we get one who is adoptable and offered to us for adoption. We may go through the heartache of loving them and having to hand them back to their birth parents knowing it's a much better place in our home. But here's the thing.....it's not their decision to make. It's ours. And this is the one we've chosen, for many reasons.
-We believe it is more giving to offer our home to children in need knowing that we could lose them
-We will have peace knowing we served and loved them while we could, even in heartache should it come
-We know we will get more full disclosure of information on the child's background within the foster system having attended court dates and think this is better for us AND the child in the future. If you can know the truth, you can deal with the truth. If you deal with it you can forgive and find peace.
-We like the option of making sure the child fits well into our family and our family fits well for the child and his/her needs
-We have a better chance of getting a baby or younger child by fostering. It takes quite a bit of time to get parental rights taken away and because of this the children get older. I believe we are at a point to take in a younger child or baby rather than older, although we would like to take in older at some point in our lives...we just aren't there yet.
-Less chance of the child having emotional problems from having been moved from home to home. And since they will be babies they won't have the memory of others that are older.
-Less exposure to my own children.
Etc

Another thing you need to know is that we are thinking of getting dual certification through both ICW and DHS. I have called DHS today to see if we can get information on dual certification and to see what info will transfer or not.

I"m hoping we have our next child soon. I don't even know what to expect next or what happens next. I feel like I'm walking in the dark here.

Whom do you trust when you are ill?

It's time I address this again. For myself and others around me. I've made it no secret that the hardest thing about being in Tulsa is the extreme judgement by the "Word of Faith" movement, and this movement is everywhere up here.
Let me explain. 

If you've been reading my blog (really more of a diary) for any length of time you know we have issues. :) I won't deny it. We do. Many are health related...but I'll get to that. 
One of the most frustrating things about my health is the question: "how does is relate to my Faith"? 
Last fall, in the midst of feeling like there was no hope left for me I realized why I'd been struggling so much with my Faith. It was because I'd been told for so long, and believed that if I just had enough Faith, and prayed enough God would heal me. He wasn't. So where did that leave me? I'll tell you. It left me feeling that I was not saved, I was not His. 

So often times I hear ppl saying hurtful things:
"God will heal you if you have Faith"
"God says he will heal you if you pray to Him about it"
"All you have to do is have faith and pray..." 
"Our God is a faithful God and he's promised to heal us and only give us good things" (meaning he's only faithful to what we want and if he doesn't give us what we want it's either my fault I don't have enough faith or there's some sort of  conflicting that maybe he's not so faithful, or maybe I'm not His). 
Bursting out in unrequested prayer "OHHHH FATHER GOD!! We know you want to heal her, please set your hands upon her and heal your daughter, whom you so much love and only want the best for...."
sighhhhhh
But wait! There's MORE!! 
"ONLY receive good and perfect healing from God. If you say it, He's given YOU the power to heal yourself. Just BELIEVE!!!"
"It is not God's will for ANY to be sick"

Oh I could go on and on. 
These things, these HORRIBLE and oh so wrong statements had me believing I was not God's chosen, that my Faith was too week and I wasn't good enough. Nomatter how hard I tried I couldn't seem to please Him enough to be healed, I kept getting worse. 

That. That right there is wrong. It is NOT in my actions that make's God will something. 

God is SOVEREIGN! He has not given us any power as man. John 6:65, Matt. 11:2, Eph 2:8 & 9, Jonah 2:9. 

I've even had the rebuttal that "our God is not a cruel God and he would not cause anyone to be sick for any reason". Um...... Jonah, Job,  King Nebuchadnezzar. David, Elijah, The Philippian slave girl, Ezekiel, Bartimeus, Lazarus, The plagues, Abijah, Zaraphath, Bath-sheba's child, Jacob, Herod, Asa, Daweh,  and on and on. 

So here's my story in short. 
I am broken I say often. Why? Here's the list. 
Graves' Disease
Hashimotos Disease
Severe Stomach Ulcer-Bleeding
Thyroid Eye Disease (as result of the Graves) 
Iron Deficiency
Vitamin D Deficiency
Serotonin Deficiency
Folic Acid Deficiency
I lost 5 babies before I had my first child (I don't produce progesterone)
Adenoma Tumor on my pituitary gland in my brain
Adrenal Glands aren't working properly
severe Hemorrhoids (wow that was embarrassing to admit)
Allergies galore
No immune system
Asthma

When I was 12 I found out my father had 5 years max to live. He's still alive but due to Emphysema he had a double lung transplant 9 years ago. He's had NUMEROUS issues from dealing with this terminal disease all my life practically. 

My eldest son has APD, and visual processing problems as well which puts him in the mildly autistic range (high functioning). He's also very strong willed. Let's not mention the orthodontic problems he has from being addicted to the wrong type of pacifier. 
My youngest son has allergies inherited from his parents. 
My husband has such severe food allergies that corn will put him into anaphelactic shock. He's been hospitalized numerous times just by being outside in other allergy ranges over a weekend of fun. Let's not mention HIS orthodontic problems from years and years of allergy meds. 

And you know what?! I don't know if God gave my life these afflictions because I was either going to be physically unhealthy as I am, or mentally unhealthy as my birth mother is. Or if I needed to be drug through the mud in order to kneel to him because I AM JUST THAT STUBBORN. Or if my husband needed to learn to love unconditionally, even though his wife no longer resembles the woman he married. Or if my children needed to learn how to serve others and have caring hearts because their mother is sick. Or if there's some woman 4 states away dealing with illness who reads this and says "yes, if SHE can do it, I can too....to GOD BE THE GLORY...IN MY JOY AND IN MY PAIN". 
The point is, I don't know his reason but God is SOVEREIGN...and, to put it lightly..he doesn't have to share his reason with me. Whether he directly gave me these afflictions, he allowed Satan to afflict me (see Job), or if it was a result by His design in a broken world I live in....whatever the cause...whatever the reason HE IS GOD. I am not. 
And honestly. 
MY FAITH IS REQUIRED WHETHER 
HE HEALS ME OR NOT. 

So I go my path, trusting in Him best I can. And I ask you....is God in control of your life...or do you think you are? Who has the power? If you look in the bible and realize I'm right then please. Please for the love of all that is good...stop saying the above things to ppl that are sick or have sick family members. It only hurts and causes doubt. 

Want to know more about just how much God is in control? Well, first you should go to your bible but if you need some reference of places to start this is an excellent article. 
God's Absolute Sovereignty

The waiting....

What is the worst part of adopting?
Doesn't matter where you're adopting from, whom you're going through, or what process you choose the worst part is always the same. It's the WAITING.....and every adoptive mother just groaned consecutively with me.
 - You wait to get the paperwork
 - You wait to see if your approved, and the longer this takes the more stories you conjure up in your head about what might possibly be on your record that you have no clue of (what if that one time I ate a piece of candy out of the candy bin without paying for it at the mall they got my photo and somehow found my name off matching my photo with facebook and from that contacted the police, only I'd just moved so now there's a warrant out for my name and since it's been 25 years that warrant is now spread over the entire WORLD where they'd defer diplomatic immunity towards me and arrest me if I even TRIED to go overseas....and now there's probably feds waiting outside my door since they triggered my file and haven't called me back yet?????!!!!!! )
See how that escalates!
-Wait for the classes (if any)
-Wait for Homestudy
-Wait for paperwork to be completed
-Wait for final approval (this is a hard one)
-Wait for certification (if any)
-Wait for placement
-Wait for that child once you've figured out who he/she is to come home *WHOOHOO Gotcha day*
-Wait for adoption to be finalized

And there is more waiting if you're a foster TO adopt home because you also have to wait for parental rights to be terminated and then wait for any family members to step up.

Talk to any adoptive parents and while they all have their struggles and many mothers with hearts for adoption are more than willing to share those with you, they still say the hardest part is the waiting.

See! Adoption is not scary. Long-yes, frustrating-at times, rewarding-MOST hopefully. But not scary.

Each day I keep trying to keep my eyes and mind where it belongs and each brand new morn I have to refocus as I've strayed like a tomcat on the prowl, my mind does that...stray. Still, I refocus and try my humanly bestest to remember...

Moms, we need to get a grip on our guilt!

I've told you before that our dog's name is Abby, but we call her "Nanny", specifically when she's outside with the boys. We have too because WHEN she's outside with the boys she's in charge and nannying them and they know it. She's watching over them and protecting them all while running around causing a ruckus with the neighbor dogs at the same time. If I do not let her out with them and there is one or more child outside without her she gets VERY upset. She gripes, whines, and softly barks while prancing around me to LET. HER. OUT!!
One day a few weeks ago I learned a much needed lesson from Nanny. She'd been outside with the boys and came in when they did. She then went from one boy to the other sniffing them over. Once satisfied she came to me with a big doggy grin on her face (yes dogs smile, want proof)?

^^not our dog^^

Anyway, can I stop proving my point and get back to the lesson now please? Thank you. 

She came to me with a big grin all excited and expecting to be praised. I honestly think I could hear her saying (do we really need to have a conversation proving that dogs talk too?!?!) "I did it! They are alive and well. I'm AWESOME". Yes, she was THAT pleased with herself. 

And I thought  "Wow. What pressure would it take off us Moms if we treated ourselves the same way?!" 

-What if for once we didn't guilt ourselves because we only got 8434 things done that day but not the other 2? 

-What if we eased up on ourselves and trusted in the motherly intuition God gave us for our children? 

-What if we didn't worry at night that we were doing it wrong? 

-What if we didn't cry every time we lost our temper and simply apologized WITHOUT thinking of it the rest of the day? 

-What if we BELIEVED in ourselves. That we CAN do this by the Grace of God? 

-

What if....when our husbands came home each day we threw our arms around him and thought "I DID IT! They are alive and well and we made memories today. 

I. AM. AWESOME. !!!

What if?

If Nanny can do it, I think we can too..especially since the one and only God created us exactly as we are for the exact children HE gave us. 

^^our dog Nanny^^

Kung FU Roo the Ladies man

So today we had lunch with some others from our church, we love this group of ppl and we love being around them. The Pastor's daughter was sitting with another young girl in the same booth as my boys. She tells me "I have GOT to talk to you" but over the noise of the restaurant I couldn't hear so later she comes up and tells me that Kung Fu Roo was telling her about all his "girlfriends" and she pointed to the other girl and said "is she your girlfriend too"? Because we all know, the pastor's daughter has been one of his "girlfriends" since he first met her. He looked at them both (apparently) and said "Yes, she's my newest one". And when they giggled he looked at them like "ohhh yeaaaahhhhh" and gave a sly smile.

As I was telling my husband this we laughed and shook our heads and then reasoned telling each other "It's ok, he reasons thinking she's a girl, she's a friend....therefore boom...girlfriend".

And this made us feel better.

UNTIL............

I asked him tonight "what's this I hear about you talking about girlfriends at lunch today". IMMEDIATELY he buries his head in the couch and gives me a shy/sly smile and then sighed. And sighed again. After the THIRD sigh I had a sinking feeling. The boys is already trying to charm girls. NOOOOOOO it's TOOO EARLY!!! How do I know?
Oh. Well.
He then said "I just don't know what to do Momma. I have all these girlfriends and I can't decide which I like because they are all pretty".

I died.

My 7 year old officially killed me by trying to be a ladies man.

I hope he knows we don't date, and that we aren't going to allow him to become part of any girl's heart until it's his wife. That even if we have to lock those big cheeks in his room from ages 15-21 he WILL remain biblical in becoming a man and an arrow unto the world.
DON'T THINK I WON'T DO IT EITHER!!!

Then again who am I kidding?! He sneaks into every heart he meets with these cheeks and that smile. sighhhhhh

Adoption Update

When you adopt out of ICW after you've passed all your initial screenings and the mandatory class to take, you are sent to your "Certification Worker". This is the person to do your home studies. In ICW you must have 3 homestudies, 2 minimum. First 2 are for all the needed information, tour, and to make sure you have everything the state says you must have (fire extinguisher, etc). The 3rd is a "surprise visit", I suppose to make sure your house is in similar condition as the originals. Then they type it all up, make sure you have all the paperwork to pass certification, referrals, etc and send it to their supervisor who officially certifies you. 

Once you get passed on to this worker they have 90 days to get you certified. 

About 120 days out I was still getting the same response from our Certification Worker, which was minimal at best and so I contacted his supervisor. I made sure to be very kind about our Certification Worker but gently expressed concern that I felt we were stalled and was hoping to be certified already. She contacted me and told me our Certification Worker had actually turned in his notice but had promised her he'd have our paperwork all typed up pretty and on her desk by Tues (I had heard this twice already) as his final day was not until Friday of the next week. Wed of the next week rolled around and we got a phone call from the supervisor. Apparently our Certification Worker hadn't come back from lunch the previous day. And over the next few days we found out that NOTHING had been done on our case except the home visits but even with those there were no notes (except a few scarce ones on the first home study which took the longest). Our paperwork was scattered amongst his other cases all piled into a ream of paperwork with no sense or reason to it, which really upset me because we have so much personal information in that paperwork. But she assured me she was sending us to another worker whom was very organized and efficient. 

The next week we heard from our new Certification Worker "L" with a really cool name. 

Well, she had to do 2 of the Home studies over again, 1 to finish his original notes and the surprise visit because there were no mention of the original one in our paperwork he left. Sigh.

She, however was immediately more organized than our previous person and seemed very competent and efficient. I enjoy this about her. 

Then we hit another setback. Apparently our paperwork coordinator somehow missed getting a TX background check on us (which totally doesn't make sense to me because we had just barely moved from TX less than one month previous to sending all the paperwork in originally and I remember her saying she would do the TX but not worry about the OK since we'd been here less than one month. 

So, our home studies are done and completely typed up, minus one referral we are waiting on. 

Our child abuse TX check is in and we are just waiting on the TX background check and the day that comes in we'll officially be certified. 

We are hoping that is next week but are not putting too much account into it until we see the certification letter in hand. 

It's been a long process and more frustrating than it should have been due to incompetence. But, hopefully it will be over soon and others currently going thru this process will not have to have the same issues we have. 

I dream of our next child so often. I dream of a baby, with dark curly hair and big brown eyes and pouty precious lips that create a huge happy smile. I yearn to hold this child, to snuggle and cuddle and bond with him/her. I ache to see the boys treating him/her affectionately and teaching this child all about life and things they know while learning to protect their lil sibling. 

As Voddie Baucham says "We just don't have enough BABIES!!". 

Vision Therapy Update

It's been forever since I've really blogged and I have several lined up. Our computer has been on the fritz but we finally have a new one that works great and I can update a few things.

First, Charlie Brown. 

We finally had the 6 week post therapy update. I've been waiting to see our final results before updating. 

The stats:

Strabismus: Corrected. Dr cannot seem to make his eyes disconnect during eye test. He is on point and fully connected. 

Amblyopia: Better. He began at 20/200 and now he's at 20/35. 

Eye Tracking: improved 1+ years but still not at age level

Visual Processing-

Jordan Reversal Test: Improved 2.5+ years but still not at age level

Auditory Analysis Skills: same level not improved, 1 year behind.

Beery Buktenica: ON LEVEL, improved 1+ years

Logical processing: ABOVE grade level, improved 8+ years on age 17 level

Sentence copy: same level not improved, 2 years behind.

Sight word screening: same level not improved, 1 year behind.

Listening Profile: Improved

Visual Field Test: Improved

They want to begin reading therapy which included purchasing a program and doing it daily at home retraining him how to read properly not compensating which he seems to be doing still on habit, then go in and test every 3 weeks. 

Most of his problem areas are processing areas and it seems that his Audio Processing disorder is playing a big part in him not progressing as he should. It seems it is time to begin APD therapy. The problem is we owe $8500 for this Therapy that only partially worked, and he also needs extensive Orthodontic care due to a stupid ball shaped pacifier he was addicted too as a baby. 

Sigh. 

The GOOD news is that he has improved. 

The BAD news is that it did not work as well as we had hoped or expected. 

I am struggling I must admit with what direction to take. I feel such a weight on my shoulders and it is so hard because I don't know what is best for him, our son. It's so overwhelming to be honest, I cannot imagine how parents of children with serious physical or developmental issues handle all these decisions that affect their lives. I'm so thankful his issues are slight compared to many and our choices are few, but still to a mother it pains me. I see a perfect child, one with SUCH a kind heart that every single friend I have comments regularly on how kind and helpful he is. He's a caretaker who loves and cares for others often. He is beautiful, inside and out. He's strong willed but a leader who is logical like his father. He stands his ground, and yet chooses flight rather than fight (you've never seen a child run from a scary noise like this guy. One time we thought he busted a hole in our van to get in and away from a train closeby we were watching). He's SO intelligent it often scares me, he's wanted to be a scientist for 4 years now and I have no doubts that if this guy puts his mind to it and continues to want it, he'll do it. I see pictures of people swimming with HUGE whales and I think "that's going to be my son one day", and it's not pride, I just believe him. I know he'll do it if he puts his mind to it. He's soft and gentle, he gives me sweet soft kisses on my cheek while his brother practically climbs on top of me to plant a big sloppy whopper on me. Both awesome. 

I see this child in all his God made perfection and I want the very best for him, and yet I am not sure what that is. Plus I'm not sure where that ends. 

Let me explain, as homeschoolers we rebel against the "norm" and I see these stats and think "Ok, this is based on what the "professionals and government" says is normal. They use the same numbers in public school because the goal is to raise lil sheep who will all be similar and easy enough to control. That is NOT our goal for our children. So where does it end? Where do we say "Ok, this is how God made him, he may not be strong in this area but he is in this one". 

So. We Pray. And we do the best we can, trying all the while to remind ourselves that we are not really the ones in control anyway. That he WILL BE exactly who God made him to be for the EXACT purpose God made him. Whether we make the right decisions or not.

I mean seriously! How gorgeous is this kid?!