Perspective is when you realize that you've been afraid of your father dying for 23 years of your life only to realize that he didn't even discover or have serious side effects from his autoimmune disease until he was 38, not having his first major surgery until he was in his forties. You discovered yours at 27, and had your first major surgery at 33. All along you thought your father was the weak one that wouldn't live a full life when here you are....he's 61 and you're 34. You've had less than half the time he has.
That last sentence. It makes me seize with fear and stare at it, reading it over and over again trying to come to grips with the facts. You proly don't understand, I don't expect you too. It's not you whom have had to battle already for life, for experiences, to live fully and fully live. There's no way you can understand, not really. Not until or if you get hit with bad news and have to start fighting for your own life, which I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I thought I would be more joyful after that surgery, have more life in me. And, I guess I am more joyful, I try to choose my attitude every day. I choose to look for things I'm thankful for, and there are SO MANY things. I am so blessed. And yet here I sit, still not connecting with my children, still online and frozen in fear to live fully and fully live.
When I realized this about a month ago I started a journey, one I'll be on for a while I'm sure. It was to find out why I'm so seized up, why I don't get out there, why I hide in my house more often than is character of me, why I watch from the sidelines rather than engage and play.
A few things I've discovered, but don't yet know the answers to these issues:
-I'm still very VERY weak. I've never been so weak in my entire life. I've always been strong (willed, and physically too). I can FEEL my weakness, my muscles tire easily, my body gives out. It's like I can't get my muscles to work some days, others like I'm walking in water and having to struggle.
-I'm scared of getting hurt and not being able to take care of my guys. Dislocating my knee last summer was all too much of a wakeup call to how brittle I am. What if next time it was worse? We have no family and few friends that could help take care of us if something happened to me. That's a scary thing.
-I'm tired. My attitude is so much better than it used to be but in that, I hide how tired I am. How emotional I feel (I cry so easily lately). I know the main issue with this is that I'm still HYPO thyroid and that it takes a while to get my hormones all straight where I'm functioning at my best so I'm trying to just smile through it and wait it out. My next Dr appt is Jan 3rd.
There are some answers to my issues, waiting on a euthyroid state so I'm not as tired, and building muscle plus losing weight..but the last two I'm not sure I can, and I don't know how to be honest...without freaking out in fear or being too tired to function that is. But there are so many underlying issues as well.
Therefore I'm reading a book to see what a biblical take on it is. It's called From Overcoming Fear, Worry, and Anxiety by Elyse Fitzpatrick.
Here's an excerpt that hit me today....
...After Jonah had preached to the Ninevites, he went up on a hill to watch and see what God would do. The day was hot, and as Jonah camped our under a little shelter he had made, God caused a plant to grow up over him that protected him from the heat. The bible says that Jonah was very happy about the plant. He probably thought that God was bringing this comfort to him because he'd done such a good job of preaching. But then God "appointed a worm" to destroy the plant. Next, He sent a "scorching east wind," and "the sun beat down on Jonah's head." This made Jonah very uncomfortable and angry. Why was God now bringing this discomfort into Jonah's life? Was God angry with Jonah? Was He punishing him? No, god loved Jonah and sought to instruct him. What was God teaching Jonah? God was teaching Jonah who He was. He was teaching him that He was in control. He was opening Jonah's blind eyes so that he could see the flaws in his thinking that caused him to be so disobedient, angry, and unhappy.
From Overcoming Fear, Worry, and Anxiety by Elyse Fitzpatrick.
She touches on how the need to be in control is also a form of sinful fear. There are ppl in my life whom I so wish would study Jonah with me. They need this. I need this. I am like them.
But I cannot make them see what they do not want to see. All I can do is learn for myself and maybe, possibly change this fear into trust in the Lord.
As I learn, and things start making sense I'm going to be writing about it on my blog, because my blog is my diary.
And now that I've gotten serious on you and you see how I really am crazy... I can say I told you soo.....
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