On Grieving

November 27, 2015 my father passed away. We were surrounding him telling him we love him and will miss him dearly. It was also my anniversary, almost like after all these years of fighting for me between him and hubby my father was finally able to "give me away". We then spent the weekend making funeral arrangements and preparing for a journey. The following Tues we took him to his hometown and had his funeral that Friday a full week after he passed. It was long, trying, exhausting, emotional, etc but in the end the funeral honored him and for that I am thankful. We have been back home now for 1 week following our 3500 mile journey in the past 2 months.
People keep telling me that the pain will get better and it will get easier. But what I am finding is that it doesn't get easier (at least in this small amount of time) but you do somehow go on with your life. It's not easy and it doesn't feel right but you do it anyway. You just begin accepting the pain and the loss as part of your life now. Not in a victim way but just a "this is part of it now" way. So you are then faced with a choice. You either keep breathing though it hurts, or you let it suffocate you.

Several things I've learned in this short time that I think are important:

Sometimes amends don't come because they are too painful to talk about. The ones you love most are the ones it is hardest to say goodbye too, and the most difficult to say what needs to be said. But say it anyway, nomatter how much you have to swallow your pride. Because those you leave behind will still have to hurt from the things not said...and the guilt that causes.

God is kind, even through the pain. And ALL PAIN has purpose. Telling someone who is watching a loved one suffer or has just lost one whom suffered that "they are better off" or "there is just no point for them to have to go through this" makes it look like God is cruel and unpredictable. He's not. It also devalues the life and purpose of their loved one and THAT IS NEVER OK!! Also, when hurting look for the kindness because it's there if you pay attention. Even small things like me having a overwhelming urge to get up and go into my Dad's room early that morning was a huge kindness to me. Because if I had waited till I normally went in he would have been gone already. Another seemingly small example was the night he passed rain began to fall and stayed constant for 3 days. There was nothing else that could have comforted me to sleep like the sound of rain pitter pattering on the roof. And the sunsets. Sorry. I had to stop and collect myself for a moment. My Dad loved sunsets. I found lots of photos in his pictures I went through. I made it the theme for his video and since he passed I've seen more gorgeous sunsets than I have in the past 3 years combined. It's like a reminder that he's ok.

Show the people around you that you love them. This was something my Father was not good at. He loved passionately but he never learned to show love like he should have. It's something I'm not good at either but that I am now trying to learn more and more. People will always disappoint you when you expect them to act the way you think they should. But the trick is that people will never act like you think they should, because they aren't you. They act the way they act, or believe. It is what it is. But that doesn't mean they deserve to feel like they are a disappointment to you. Because sometimes they are just doing the best they can. Or sometimes they need to learn to love too, like me.

Love people anyway. Because sometimes there is more to their past and pain than you can possibly imagine that has made them into the person they are. Walking away from hard people SHOULD NEVER be an option in life. SO it makes it hard on you, big deal ya baby! Maybe you need whatever lesson you can only learn from them. Maybe you need some difficult. Maybe they will enrich your life more than you ever knew because it turns out that they weren't so bad after all. Just misunderstood. My Dad had many faults, difficult being one of them. That truth is not gone but there was more to his story than anyone knew or wanted to admit. So it serves me (and everyone that knew him) better to remember the good. It's not ignoring the bad was there, it's simply choosing to see the best in a person and reminding ourselves that everyone has their journey they've been on. Kindness in that journey goes a long way. 1 Corinthians 13 is about choosing to love, to believe, to serve. This is the example of Love God left us. It should be followed more.

Walking away from dishonest or untrustworthy people is ok. Sometimes it's more loving towards them if you keep your distance. You don't have to fear man and try to please everyone all the time. Sometimes you are who you are too. Again, it's the whole sinning again and loving others that's important but that looks different for each person. Certain people I've decided to let go because it's kinder than being angry with them for their actions...or lack of action.

Don't apologize for pain. As long as the pain does not involve sinning against another, it's ok to feel what you are feeling and to be you.


I'm still breathing.