The waiting....

What is the worst part of adopting?
Doesn't matter where you're adopting from, whom you're going through, or what process you choose the worst part is always the same. It's the WAITING.....and every adoptive mother just groaned consecutively with me.
 - You wait to get the paperwork
 - You wait to see if your approved, and the longer this takes the more stories you conjure up in your head about what might possibly be on your record that you have no clue of (what if that one time I ate a piece of candy out of the candy bin without paying for it at the mall they got my photo and somehow found my name off matching my photo with facebook and from that contacted the police, only I'd just moved so now there's a warrant out for my name and since it's been 25 years that warrant is now spread over the entire WORLD where they'd defer diplomatic immunity towards me and arrest me if I even TRIED to go overseas....and now there's probably feds waiting outside my door since they triggered my file and haven't called me back yet?????!!!!!! )
See how that escalates!
-Wait for the classes (if any)
-Wait for Homestudy
-Wait for paperwork to be completed
-Wait for final approval (this is a hard one)
-Wait for certification (if any)
-Wait for placement
-Wait for that child once you've figured out who he/she is to come home *WHOOHOO Gotcha day*
-Wait for adoption to be finalized

And there is more waiting if you're a foster TO adopt home because you also have to wait for parental rights to be terminated and then wait for any family members to step up.

Talk to any adoptive parents and while they all have their struggles and many mothers with hearts for adoption are more than willing to share those with you, they still say the hardest part is the waiting.

See! Adoption is not scary. Long-yes, frustrating-at times, rewarding-MOST hopefully. But not scary.

Each day I keep trying to keep my eyes and mind where it belongs and each brand new morn I have to refocus as I've strayed like a tomcat on the prowl, my mind does that...stray. Still, I refocus and try my humanly bestest to remember...

Moms, we need to get a grip on our guilt!

I've told you before that our dog's name is Abby, but we call her "Nanny", specifically when she's outside with the boys. We have too because WHEN she's outside with the boys she's in charge and nannying them and they know it. She's watching over them and protecting them all while running around causing a ruckus with the neighbor dogs at the same time. If I do not let her out with them and there is one or more child outside without her she gets VERY upset. She gripes, whines, and softly barks while prancing around me to LET. HER. OUT!!
One day a few weeks ago I learned a much needed lesson from Nanny. She'd been outside with the boys and came in when they did. She then went from one boy to the other sniffing them over. Once satisfied she came to me with a big doggy grin on her face (yes dogs smile, want proof)?

^^not our dog^^

Anyway, can I stop proving my point and get back to the lesson now please? Thank you. 

She came to me with a big grin all excited and expecting to be praised. I honestly think I could hear her saying (do we really need to have a conversation proving that dogs talk too?!?!) "I did it! They are alive and well. I'm AWESOME". Yes, she was THAT pleased with herself. 

And I thought  "Wow. What pressure would it take off us Moms if we treated ourselves the same way?!" 

-What if for once we didn't guilt ourselves because we only got 8434 things done that day but not the other 2? 

-What if we eased up on ourselves and trusted in the motherly intuition God gave us for our children? 

-What if we didn't worry at night that we were doing it wrong? 

-What if we didn't cry every time we lost our temper and simply apologized WITHOUT thinking of it the rest of the day? 

-What if we BELIEVED in ourselves. That we CAN do this by the Grace of God? 

-

What if....when our husbands came home each day we threw our arms around him and thought "I DID IT! They are alive and well and we made memories today. 

I. AM. AWESOME. !!!

What if?

If Nanny can do it, I think we can too..especially since the one and only God created us exactly as we are for the exact children HE gave us. 

^^our dog Nanny^^

Kung FU Roo the Ladies man

So today we had lunch with some others from our church, we love this group of ppl and we love being around them. The Pastor's daughter was sitting with another young girl in the same booth as my boys. She tells me "I have GOT to talk to you" but over the noise of the restaurant I couldn't hear so later she comes up and tells me that Kung Fu Roo was telling her about all his "girlfriends" and she pointed to the other girl and said "is she your girlfriend too"? Because we all know, the pastor's daughter has been one of his "girlfriends" since he first met her. He looked at them both (apparently) and said "Yes, she's my newest one". And when they giggled he looked at them like "ohhh yeaaaahhhhh" and gave a sly smile.

As I was telling my husband this we laughed and shook our heads and then reasoned telling each other "It's ok, he reasons thinking she's a girl, she's a friend....therefore boom...girlfriend".

And this made us feel better.

UNTIL............

I asked him tonight "what's this I hear about you talking about girlfriends at lunch today". IMMEDIATELY he buries his head in the couch and gives me a shy/sly smile and then sighed. And sighed again. After the THIRD sigh I had a sinking feeling. The boys is already trying to charm girls. NOOOOOOO it's TOOO EARLY!!! How do I know?
Oh. Well.
He then said "I just don't know what to do Momma. I have all these girlfriends and I can't decide which I like because they are all pretty".

I died.

My 7 year old officially killed me by trying to be a ladies man.

I hope he knows we don't date, and that we aren't going to allow him to become part of any girl's heart until it's his wife. That even if we have to lock those big cheeks in his room from ages 15-21 he WILL remain biblical in becoming a man and an arrow unto the world.
DON'T THINK I WON'T DO IT EITHER!!!

Then again who am I kidding?! He sneaks into every heart he meets with these cheeks and that smile. sighhhhhh

Adoption Update

When you adopt out of ICW after you've passed all your initial screenings and the mandatory class to take, you are sent to your "Certification Worker". This is the person to do your home studies. In ICW you must have 3 homestudies, 2 minimum. First 2 are for all the needed information, tour, and to make sure you have everything the state says you must have (fire extinguisher, etc). The 3rd is a "surprise visit", I suppose to make sure your house is in similar condition as the originals. Then they type it all up, make sure you have all the paperwork to pass certification, referrals, etc and send it to their supervisor who officially certifies you. 

Once you get passed on to this worker they have 90 days to get you certified. 

About 120 days out I was still getting the same response from our Certification Worker, which was minimal at best and so I contacted his supervisor. I made sure to be very kind about our Certification Worker but gently expressed concern that I felt we were stalled and was hoping to be certified already. She contacted me and told me our Certification Worker had actually turned in his notice but had promised her he'd have our paperwork all typed up pretty and on her desk by Tues (I had heard this twice already) as his final day was not until Friday of the next week. Wed of the next week rolled around and we got a phone call from the supervisor. Apparently our Certification Worker hadn't come back from lunch the previous day. And over the next few days we found out that NOTHING had been done on our case except the home visits but even with those there were no notes (except a few scarce ones on the first home study which took the longest). Our paperwork was scattered amongst his other cases all piled into a ream of paperwork with no sense or reason to it, which really upset me because we have so much personal information in that paperwork. But she assured me she was sending us to another worker whom was very organized and efficient. 

The next week we heard from our new Certification Worker "L" with a really cool name. 

Well, she had to do 2 of the Home studies over again, 1 to finish his original notes and the surprise visit because there were no mention of the original one in our paperwork he left. Sigh.

She, however was immediately more organized than our previous person and seemed very competent and efficient. I enjoy this about her. 

Then we hit another setback. Apparently our paperwork coordinator somehow missed getting a TX background check on us (which totally doesn't make sense to me because we had just barely moved from TX less than one month previous to sending all the paperwork in originally and I remember her saying she would do the TX but not worry about the OK since we'd been here less than one month. 

So, our home studies are done and completely typed up, minus one referral we are waiting on. 

Our child abuse TX check is in and we are just waiting on the TX background check and the day that comes in we'll officially be certified. 

We are hoping that is next week but are not putting too much account into it until we see the certification letter in hand. 

It's been a long process and more frustrating than it should have been due to incompetence. But, hopefully it will be over soon and others currently going thru this process will not have to have the same issues we have. 

I dream of our next child so often. I dream of a baby, with dark curly hair and big brown eyes and pouty precious lips that create a huge happy smile. I yearn to hold this child, to snuggle and cuddle and bond with him/her. I ache to see the boys treating him/her affectionately and teaching this child all about life and things they know while learning to protect their lil sibling. 

As Voddie Baucham says "We just don't have enough BABIES!!". 

Vision Therapy Update

It's been forever since I've really blogged and I have several lined up. Our computer has been on the fritz but we finally have a new one that works great and I can update a few things.

First, Charlie Brown. 

We finally had the 6 week post therapy update. I've been waiting to see our final results before updating. 

The stats:

Strabismus: Corrected. Dr cannot seem to make his eyes disconnect during eye test. He is on point and fully connected. 

Amblyopia: Better. He began at 20/200 and now he's at 20/35. 

Eye Tracking: improved 1+ years but still not at age level

Visual Processing-

Jordan Reversal Test: Improved 2.5+ years but still not at age level

Auditory Analysis Skills: same level not improved, 1 year behind.

Beery Buktenica: ON LEVEL, improved 1+ years

Logical processing: ABOVE grade level, improved 8+ years on age 17 level

Sentence copy: same level not improved, 2 years behind.

Sight word screening: same level not improved, 1 year behind.

Listening Profile: Improved

Visual Field Test: Improved

They want to begin reading therapy which included purchasing a program and doing it daily at home retraining him how to read properly not compensating which he seems to be doing still on habit, then go in and test every 3 weeks. 

Most of his problem areas are processing areas and it seems that his Audio Processing disorder is playing a big part in him not progressing as he should. It seems it is time to begin APD therapy. The problem is we owe $8500 for this Therapy that only partially worked, and he also needs extensive Orthodontic care due to a stupid ball shaped pacifier he was addicted too as a baby. 

Sigh. 

The GOOD news is that he has improved. 

The BAD news is that it did not work as well as we had hoped or expected. 

I am struggling I must admit with what direction to take. I feel such a weight on my shoulders and it is so hard because I don't know what is best for him, our son. It's so overwhelming to be honest, I cannot imagine how parents of children with serious physical or developmental issues handle all these decisions that affect their lives. I'm so thankful his issues are slight compared to many and our choices are few, but still to a mother it pains me. I see a perfect child, one with SUCH a kind heart that every single friend I have comments regularly on how kind and helpful he is. He's a caretaker who loves and cares for others often. He is beautiful, inside and out. He's strong willed but a leader who is logical like his father. He stands his ground, and yet chooses flight rather than fight (you've never seen a child run from a scary noise like this guy. One time we thought he busted a hole in our van to get in and away from a train closeby we were watching). He's SO intelligent it often scares me, he's wanted to be a scientist for 4 years now and I have no doubts that if this guy puts his mind to it and continues to want it, he'll do it. I see pictures of people swimming with HUGE whales and I think "that's going to be my son one day", and it's not pride, I just believe him. I know he'll do it if he puts his mind to it. He's soft and gentle, he gives me sweet soft kisses on my cheek while his brother practically climbs on top of me to plant a big sloppy whopper on me. Both awesome. 

I see this child in all his God made perfection and I want the very best for him, and yet I am not sure what that is. Plus I'm not sure where that ends. 

Let me explain, as homeschoolers we rebel against the "norm" and I see these stats and think "Ok, this is based on what the "professionals and government" says is normal. They use the same numbers in public school because the goal is to raise lil sheep who will all be similar and easy enough to control. That is NOT our goal for our children. So where does it end? Where do we say "Ok, this is how God made him, he may not be strong in this area but he is in this one". 

So. We Pray. And we do the best we can, trying all the while to remind ourselves that we are not really the ones in control anyway. That he WILL BE exactly who God made him to be for the EXACT purpose God made him. Whether we make the right decisions or not.

I mean seriously! How gorgeous is this kid?! 

Miracle of Life-My Second Miracle

In continuing this series in topic of Pro-Life I've mentioned my own experiences thus far and this is my final experience to share, although I am hoping to have more to share one day soon. 

Another argument I hear is that somehow they justify abortion because there are problems with the baby, because we wouldn't be able to handle the "burden". One of my favorite quotes comes from Gianna Jessen and let me be the first to tell you how amazing this woman is. She says "Ladies and Gentlemen there are things that you will ONLY be able to learn from the weakest among you". And she is so right. Well, you say..."you've never been faced with that decision" you tell me? Really? Well, let me tell you my own experience because yet again, you are wrong. 

2 years after my first miracle was born we found out we were pregnant again. 
Being that I am high risk I was rushed in for appointments very soon. I had my first sonogram earlier than normal and they saw something on the sonogram that concerned them. So, they sent me to a specialist and so began the process of having sonograms every week of my pregnancy. There was a spot on his heart, and as it was there every week they knew what it meant. My Dr (who became a family friend) sat me down and told me that my baby had a high chance of having down syndrome. He said that there are no other signs but we will continue to watch for them and if they did not appear it could mean he doesn't have it. It was just a chance but a better chance than the normal pregnancy. He told me I had options, and when I asked "what do you mean" he said, "well some women don't want to risk that chance and it's an option you have", and he also said "I mean I personally wouldn't make that choice but it is your choice to make".  I quickly assured him not to go any further with that because, for us, it wasn't a choice. We would have him and love him, even if he did have down syndrome. Everything progressed normally otherwise during pregnancy. I got lots of pictures since we had a sono weekly and I grew to even love seeing him so often. He liked to wave at us during the sonogram. 8 months. For 8 months the chance grew just a little bit more since we were still seeing this "bright spot" on his heart. We had to think about and consider what our lives would be like if he did have DS, and yes it was hard to think about. But we were also blessed with some friends who had an amazing child with DS in our church. We loved seeing him thrive as he got older. Then, at 8 months all of a sudden there was no bright spot. It was gone. We were still told there could be a chance but that it was much smaller and they would let me know as soon as he was born. Our Kung Foo Ru is now a lively, friendly, loving lil clown. He loves to make us laugh and I just cannot imagine our lives without him. 

One day he came to me and told me his heart was special (he doesn't really know this story yet) and I asked why. His answer? "Because God lives in my heart". 

Oh he doesn't know how much this is true. God loved my dear one from the moment he was conceived and took care of him and even if he had been born with DS it would have been exactly as God planned for his life, and ours. 

My lil one IS the heart of our family. He always was. And my heart's birthday is TODAY. Happy birthday to my heart, you were always perfect even in your imperfections. 

So there you go. 

I know they are alive and human from conception, because Charlie Brown Danced at 8 weeks.

I know ALL life has value, and have had to face the decision. 

and maybe one day I will know even more by adopting. Who knows what lessons we'll learn but you know what?! I'm sure I'll tell you about it when I do. :)