Forgiveness

I have been sitting here, in front of a blank screen that only bears the video above (which, incidentally bears the words "Help me now to give what You gave to me). I know in my head what I want to say. But, making the words...they do not come easily.
45 minutes in.

I have been trying to forgive for 6 years now (give or take a few months). No. Even before that. 17 years. Oh my. Did I just say SEVENTEEN YEARS???
I struggled with whether to go into details because I'm so open with my life but, honestly, I think that is better left for me to explain to people face to face...if and when they want to hear.
I cannot say I'm totally there yet, I'm probably not in all honesty. But, I have made progress in the last 2 years, really good progress.

But, there is an aspect to forgiveness I was not expecting...and to be honest I don't find it anywhere when I google the word.

This aspect is Sadness. 

When the person you forgive is supposed to be a loved one, and even though you forgive there is no hope of a restoration in the relationship (unless God wills it at some point) that's when there is sadness. When that person is your mother, and you are able to let go of the anger, you realize....you have nothing to hold onto anymore. You have no anger, and yet you have no mother. There's just...nothing...an open gape where love and warmth should be.
It hit me all at once, yesterday. I didn't realize how far I'd gotten. How little anger I felt. And what replaced it.
I know I have to forgive. I know if God wills he will give me peace and even joy in it. I want to even.
What I don't know is the next step. Or when Peace will come. But I trust in God that it WILL come.