The loneliest Moment

There’s a loneliness that only exists in one’s mind. The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.

– The Great Gatsby (F. Scott Fitzgerald)

When I Google "what is the loneliest moment in life" this is what I got. And when I go to pictures nothing I get even LOOKS lonely, or compares. 

So, here, let me describe it to you. 

In human terms it's when God turns away from you. It's when you're married and God is not center of your life/marriage on both sides. When you've lost a child and everyone goes home for the night leaving you in the hospital. When you've spent your entire life caring for your children, and your last leaves the nest. 

Or, and for me personally, it looks like: When you have a disease noone can see, and noone knows what it's like or what you feel like. But mostly for me it's during these times. 

Sure, you've got your tech to help you in and out and instruct you but to them you are a job, a brain they must scan, a neck to view, a knee to get pictures of. 

This, so far, is the loneliest moments I've had to go through. And I've proly had more than most ppl should. 

It's a cold white room with no design, no warmth. You walk in and immediately get the feeling like you've just entered the ship the Event Horizon (by the way, this is one of my "scariest movies EVER" list). 

The tech tells you what to do and you look at the board you're about to lay on thinking "is this even possible"?! and attempt (sadly) to put your body exactly how and where he/she wants. 

You're moved into this machine that looks like a time transportation device...or a donut...you know...depending on your mood. 

And the sounds come. They were there all the time but you just now realize you've chosen to ignore the scary "whoosh whoosh" sound for fear of your movie nightmares coming true..until just this moment and then the sound get's louder and surrounds you. Then you hear it. The moan/roar that comes in short timespans and you wonder "am I going to open my eyes and be in another realm now"? 

Sometimes they don't take long and others up to 45 minutes. The one I have this Thurs is one of the longer ones as it's of my brain. I have a tumor there, on my pituitary, it's small and hopefully will continue to not cause any issues. 

With each one I get a more dreaded feeling before going in. It get's lonelier each time. 

Yet again I'll stare blankly into the room. Into the machine while it goes and think of how I am helpless and can do nothing but watch and pray and hope. I am hoping too, I am hoping in my Lord for his plan for my life.