Surgery is tomorrow.

This week we are taking a break from homeschool. I'm seriously considering a 3 week on 1 week off schedule, or at least trying it.
If we began August 15th, with a strict 3 week on schedule we end the year July 19th. That makes 36 weeks on. THAT means I have 5 weeks to play with. 5 weeks that we can take off, take a break, vacation, etc. We could take off all December and still time.
I wonder if we'd miss our summers, but it's nice to do more in fall and spring before school gets out. And summer is hot.
Something to ponder. These are things homeschool mothers wonder about. Obsessively.

This week we have my father here to play with the boys.

This week we will take it easy. Watch too much TV, and nap. Alot.

This week I'm having surgery. Tomorrow, in fact.

Tomorrow my Thyroid will be taken out. For good. I'm praying for peace, and God's will be done. I"m not done yet. So much to see, so much to learn, so much time needed with my guys.

So, take this as my official blog break as well. Unless I find things I just have to write about, I will not be on.

So tonight I try my best to remember this and give it all to HIM.

Long day

Schooling took 4 hours today...and I'm about to pull my hair out. My shoulders are tense and I have a headache. I admit it was because of unforseen circumstances, as yesterday I had to go to the Dr and he dialated my eyes therefore I could not school as I was blind most of the day. We had TWO days to do to catch up.
Not only that but I added a reading program for Kung Fu Roo online, a reading textbook, AND Bob Jones Grammar book for Charlie Brown. The two things I added for Charlie Brown are like pulling tooth and nail to get him to work on and finish.
What's my point?
Simple.
Homeschooling is sometimes stressful. Ima be real witcha.
You have bad days, yes and it's even more difficult if you're like me and it's hard for you to be at someone else's beck and call...all day long.
It makes me want to scream when I don't get some time without hearing "momma" all day.

So, we're working on it. I'm sitting here writing about my frustrations and the boys, well they are playing archaeologists...with dinos...in ice. They bury them in bowls every evening, put them in the freezer, and then every day they get out the hammers and other various tools and dig them out. And EVERY day it's a new and cool discovery. Ahh the things that interest boys.
And with every "momma" I reply with "no momma right now, I need some time".

Eh, I'm not perfect...whaddyawant from me?!

Even though I need time we really have had a great day. We started with a walk, schooled, lunch break, and school again, now me time and then time to get started on supper. My work is never done.

But, like with my boys, it's the little things in life. For example it keeps a smile on my face that this evening I get to make my husband watch the movie "Hairspray" to research for a 50s styled photoshoot. Hehe. Revenge for making me watch "The Outsiders".
And revenge. Well. It makes me happy today. --seriously, have you SEEN The Outsiders?! You'd want revenge too for having to sit thru it.

* Update....I accidentally rented the new one, therefore it was punishment for the both of us until I couldn't stand it anymore and turned it off. That's what revenge gets ya, it bites back. See. I shoulda known better.

My hope for my children

Do you ever think about what you want for your children? Their adult life I mean? Do you think about ways to lead them in this direction? How about this one...Do you think about telling them? Like, now?

I'm not being a drama queen and writing my whole will now because I'm having surgery in two weeks (Nope, we're writing our wills because in the future Lord willing, we're adopting but more on that later).
Instead, I looked outside at my boys sitting on the porch talking while drying off from the pool and just having a blast with each other and I thought to myself "I pray they stay best friends forever".

And, well. alot of things happen in this life. Things we have control over (stupid choices we make, good choices we almost made, etc), and things we do not (God's plan for us). And truth be told, this blog is sort of a diary for me. An online version that my husband proly wouldn't think about for two years after I passed even though he reads it now. Still. I need to tell them. And life is short. So Carpe Diem!
A letter to my boys. Be it 5 years from now or 50 that you must read this.

To the readers and friends: what would you tell your children or hope they learn from you? Write it, and link it in the comments!

My sweet and precious boys:
aka Charlie Brown-Buggie Boo the Cleanup Crew-Bug-My Love-Stinker-Big Blues-Bubble Butt
aka Kung Fu Roo-Roo-My Love-My Squishy-My Sweetheart-BELLY!-Baby Browns

For your learning-
I pray you find the way God has planned for you, and enjoy it along the way. I pray you find it easily and without frustration but should you not, remember that in everything there is a lesson to be learned and a path to carve out.

For your friends-
I pray you never follow the pack/herd/world/popular boys/or plastic girls. I pray you keep those around you whom will lift you up in the word and keep you honest and accountable to the Bible. I pray you have mercy and grace with the rest of the world, but do not invest any more time in them than sharing the gospel or prayer needs. You do not need those who would seek to lead you astray, and many will.

For your love-
I pray you wait and honor the picture of a biblical marriage. This alone is God's way of showing you how special you are to him. How much of a gift you are, how ruining this brings baggage and pain. Waiting for God to bring you a Godly woman takes alot of patience, yes, but so will being married to her...so take it as the first step in your training. ;) KEEP HER PURE. It is not ok to touch (inappropriately), kiss, or make love to a woman who is not yours. God made sex to bond two people so much so that taking this from someone is tearing a piece of them. A piece they can never get back and will live with those memories and regrets the rest of their life. Knowing a woman is full yours and you are full hers is what trust is all about in your marriage. Giving of yourself, and your pride to your wife is what carries you thru the hard times. AND THEIR WILL BE HARD TIMES. Marriage is not for two ppl who are alike to "have the most fun possible". No. It's about sanctification. Its about God bringing two sinful ppl together to teach each other things that they would not learn in many other situations. Like perseverance. Endurance. Trust. Standing together knowing you don't stand alone. Faith. Love. Making each other laugh. God puts two together to tear down walls and build each other up in ways you never thought possible. She has to know she can always rest in your arms. And you have to know you can put your pride down and let her caress you.
This life is hard. But when you reach a hill and find yourself holding your breath scared to climb it. This spouse, she will take your hand, look up at you, nod and give a little smile and boldly you will then be able to take the steps you need to climb those hills. THAT is what Marriage is all about...and so much more.

For your ethics-
WORK HARD. I do not raise you to continue being boys. BE MEN! Be men of Faith. Men of the Word. Men NOT of this World. Men of Courage. Men of Strength. Men of Humility. Men of Grace. Men of Humor and Laughter when all looks dark. Men of Serving. Men of Honor. Men of Truth.
Be the first man to reach out when someone is in need with a confident smile behind that hand.
Clean the house. Help your wife. Arrange a babysitter to take her on a date. Court her. Even after 12 years or 40 years of marriage. Change diapers. Answer toy phones (IN PUBLIC). Play. Make God first, your wife second, your children third, your friends and family after, and then your work. Remember, a real man thinks of others first.

For your future-
I pray that you two, brothers, will remain good friends along with your Daddy. Even when your frustrated most with each other. Remember the times you played day in and day out with each other. Remember when, as children, you respected each other and loved each other. Leave your pride behind and love your brother and father.
Look to the bible. It will tell you everything you need. Stand up for what you believe in and those who need someone to stand for them.
Always, always remember...you're not perfect. You don't have to be. You are just the way God made you. And because of the Cross, you are HIS (just believe it, and try your best to live in the word and not of the world, along with daily repentance). But don't be a platitude Christian. It's not all cakes and jelly beans, and that's ok. Everything else teaches us and leads us, if we let it. God has a plan. And HE is sovereign. Know this. Know this will all your heart and keep reading the bible, speaking with Godly men, and studying until you do.
You are not your past. Or your bloodline. You are exactly who God made you for the exact purpose He made you. Trust in Him.
Be a good Daddy. When it comes to your family, there is no football, or video games, or TV, or hard day at work. Be there. Right then, this is what they remember of you and learn from you. They learn how to be a Daddy from you, your actions, not your words. Take interest in the children God's given you for with them you are richly blessed.

For your finances-
Provide for your family. But, NEVER sacrifice your family on the alter of money/power/job. You should work hard to provide for them to the best of your ability, but your first and foremost goal is to honor God and to honor Him means your job has it's place, right behind God, and your family. Be honest and honorable and God will bless you in this. Whether you are the world's foremost scientist for new discoveries in the Ocean, or a Preacher in a foreign land living off of $20,000 a year be who you are called to be and be it well. Take pride in your calling, but never let pride control you.
Be diligent in your budget and make good decisions with the money God has allowed you.

Know that this world is not it. This is only the beginning, and it's sometimes a painful, or challenging one. We live in a fallen world full of fallen ppl. But eternity is not worth joining them in earthly pleasures. Those pleasures, they don't last and they leave you feeling empty, lonely, and broken.
However, there is joy and fun to be had, and have it...while honoring God.

Know that you. You are my gifts. Looking into both of your eyes is how I know that God loves me though I do not deserve it. He gave me you. I will forever be thankful for my blessings. You fill my life with Joy, Love, Laughter, and a want to be a better person, a better Mommy, each and every day. My cup runneth over, and I would do well to remember that every single second of every single day.

I Love you, My hearts, My precious ones. Forever and Ever.

Forgiveness

I have been sitting here, in front of a blank screen that only bears the video above (which, incidentally bears the words "Help me now to give what You gave to me). I know in my head what I want to say. But, making the words...they do not come easily.
45 minutes in.

I have been trying to forgive for 6 years now (give or take a few months). No. Even before that. 17 years. Oh my. Did I just say SEVENTEEN YEARS???
I struggled with whether to go into details because I'm so open with my life but, honestly, I think that is better left for me to explain to people face to face...if and when they want to hear.
I cannot say I'm totally there yet, I'm probably not in all honesty. But, I have made progress in the last 2 years, really good progress.

But, there is an aspect to forgiveness I was not expecting...and to be honest I don't find it anywhere when I google the word.

This aspect is Sadness. 

When the person you forgive is supposed to be a loved one, and even though you forgive there is no hope of a restoration in the relationship (unless God wills it at some point) that's when there is sadness. When that person is your mother, and you are able to let go of the anger, you realize....you have nothing to hold onto anymore. You have no anger, and yet you have no mother. There's just...nothing...an open gape where love and warmth should be.
It hit me all at once, yesterday. I didn't realize how far I'd gotten. How little anger I felt. And what replaced it.
I know I have to forgive. I know if God wills he will give me peace and even joy in it. I want to even.
What I don't know is the next step. Or when Peace will come. But I trust in God that it WILL come.

Interview Day

Interview day.
You know, I would love to let you know that since giving up my photography business to homeschool the "biz" side of me has gone away. But it hasn't. Some days I miss feeling "corporate", or growing a biz to it's fullest.
But it's not all casual being at home. No. In fact there are some pretty serious times. Like when I have to interview my subjects for goal planning. That's right. I take my interviews fairly serious.
And it's interview day. Let's see how they rate on the career scale...

Charlie Brown:
How was your summer? mmm good
What do you wish we would do different? swimming with dolphins
How was your first week of School? it was good
What was your favorite thing we did this week? That we got to do a sun experiment/light
Tell me about it. mmm pause. well we traced the shadows of noah and me faces and thats all
What do you want to study this year? sharks!
How do you want to study them? by learning more things of sharks
How will you pay for it? we can do shark books
What do you mean? using my budget and noahs budget (which noah's budget is very small).

Kung Foo Roo:
How was your summer? uhh good
What do you wish we would do different? uhh a treasure hunt! 
How was your first week of School? good

What was your favorite thing we did this week? well. schooling
Tell me about it. I"m glad that we got school again
why? anyways, momma why are you doing this? 
Just answer. uhhh AHA! I know. I wish that we have done number lesson book

What do you want to study this year? how they created apples? 
How do you want to study them? mmm building a microscope that whenever you look thru it you can see everything that they make thru the apple. And one for carrots. 
Do they make a telescope for carrots? We would make a telescope to look what kind of ingredients they make for carrots and apples. 
How will you pay for it? byyy helping guys uhhhh AHA! building. help guys building something. Like they build a tv. 

Charlie= a man of few words.
Kung Fu Roo= whahuh?

The loneliest Moment

There’s a loneliness that only exists in one’s mind. The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.

– The Great Gatsby (F. Scott Fitzgerald)

When I Google "what is the loneliest moment in life" this is what I got. And when I go to pictures nothing I get even LOOKS lonely, or compares. 

So, here, let me describe it to you. 

In human terms it's when God turns away from you. It's when you're married and God is not center of your life/marriage on both sides. When you've lost a child and everyone goes home for the night leaving you in the hospital. When you've spent your entire life caring for your children, and your last leaves the nest. 

Or, and for me personally, it looks like: When you have a disease noone can see, and noone knows what it's like or what you feel like. But mostly for me it's during these times. 

Sure, you've got your tech to help you in and out and instruct you but to them you are a job, a brain they must scan, a neck to view, a knee to get pictures of. 

This, so far, is the loneliest moments I've had to go through. And I've proly had more than most ppl should. 

It's a cold white room with no design, no warmth. You walk in and immediately get the feeling like you've just entered the ship the Event Horizon (by the way, this is one of my "scariest movies EVER" list). 

The tech tells you what to do and you look at the board you're about to lay on thinking "is this even possible"?! and attempt (sadly) to put your body exactly how and where he/she wants. 

You're moved into this machine that looks like a time transportation device...or a donut...you know...depending on your mood. 

And the sounds come. They were there all the time but you just now realize you've chosen to ignore the scary "whoosh whoosh" sound for fear of your movie nightmares coming true..until just this moment and then the sound get's louder and surrounds you. Then you hear it. The moan/roar that comes in short timespans and you wonder "am I going to open my eyes and be in another realm now"? 

Sometimes they don't take long and others up to 45 minutes. The one I have this Thurs is one of the longer ones as it's of my brain. I have a tumor there, on my pituitary, it's small and hopefully will continue to not cause any issues. 

With each one I get a more dreaded feeling before going in. It get's lonelier each time. 

Yet again I'll stare blankly into the room. Into the machine while it goes and think of how I am helpless and can do nothing but watch and pray and hope. I am hoping too, I am hoping in my Lord for his plan for my life. 

Socialization

OK let's get this over with.
As a Home School parent the MAIN rebuttal anyone has on the issue is socializing. Not that we asked for a rebuttal in the first place but people seem to think it's ok to tell us how we should educate our children just as the government tells them so it's what we often get.
We hear things like:
-Well, I just think my children need more interaction with other children more often than I could give them (this is the nice way of putting it).
or
-They need to be around other kids!
or even
-What about socialization? Aren't you afraid they are going to grow up not knowing how to interact with others (this the not so nice way of putting it)?
So many ways to say one thing and that one thing basically boils down too:
-I don't have time to worry about educating my children, I have other things to do.
-I don't have the patience.
-I trust strangers with them.
-I believe the government knows best and I follow suit.

Let me be clear, these truths are only directed at those that argue with our choice to Homeschool and their reasons, NOT to everyone that doesn't homeschool. I'm so not arguing with your choices, whatever they may be. But, it's my blog so I can and will tell you what I think about the rebuttals. And why we've made the choice we have.
But, you know what? I find often pictures carry much more weight than words...at least in my case.
So, I'm going to tell you in pictures.

And finally.