Bye bye Firebird, Keep singing darlin!

Yesterday was one week since Firebird left to go with her Bios.
We knew she may be leaving, we did stand up against it a bit since it was not the right time or in HER best interest, and we dreaded the day when it was scheduled. We were a family in crisis for several weeks prior. She was scared, and showing all sorts of signs about it, as well as verbalizing her fears but still that day still came.
However, when that morning came to say goodbye we all woke up with peace. Her fears which had rendered her into a 3 year old state of nervous reactions, and trauma behaviors just the night before had melted and she was able to smile again. And somehow we were all able to smile for her too, even my most dramatic son. We didn't even cry that morning as we had the night before. It was completely phoenominal that peace that overcame us, and has been with us since. A God given gift, to tell us to let go and give her life into HIS hands.
No, I don't believe all is perfectly ok in her life now. No, I still don't think it was time yet. But the peace is there and I'm so very thankful for it.

She was never meant to be ours, and it made me realize how each of our children are just gifts from God for a season. Only he knows how long that season will last. Hers was a short season but it was not without many a lesson, some very difficult to learn, and some marvelous.

I hope she sings. Not because she's trying to make someone love her, or impress those around her...but for herself alone. I hope she dances, even when she's scared....to see that life is beautiful even in the rain. I hope she is scooped up by our Heavenly father and taken as one of HIS own, in His perfect timing and used for a great purpose.
We did all we could for her while she was here, and as a foster parent that's all you really can do.

Homeschool 2013/2014

I thought I had updated what curriculum we are using this year but I can't find it now so here goes.
Our year in homeschool

Charlie is still having issues with his Dyslexia, and Character Training as well. He refuses to write more than a couple of sentences, even though his handwriting is pretty good for his age! He loves to read, unless it's an assignment and then he breaks into tears while striking the fetal position.
Kung Fu Roo is still learning to read, and enthusiastically although slow. He is showing some of the same signs as big brother in writing, speaking backwards so it makes me worry so slowly is best I think. He's all of a sudden struggling a bit in math but hanging in there.
Neither have a love of school at the moment, and just want to have fun.

Taking all into consideration here's where we are currently.

Bible: Answers for Kids Bible Curric
Didn't finish it all last year so finishing it out this

Math:
Charlie: Teaching Textbooks 3 and 4 (hoping he'll finish 3 soon but he's struggling SOOO much)
Kung Fu Roo: Horizons Math 2 Workbook

Science: Answers in Genesis Science - World of Plants workbook this semester, choose another next semester

History: Mystery of History Volume 1

Handwriting: Handwriting without Tears #3, and Cursive for Charlie

Journal: Wildcrafting, learning about native plants for food and medicinal purposes
Alternating with Bible Verses and discussions

Extra Curricular Science: Lego Robotics Class month of October

Having said all that, I'm also looking into Unit Studies because I want them to love school, and love it big time. I want them to look forward to it and us to have fun. An October Unit Study, and a Thanksgiving one that includes colonial times, and a character training one. I bought these three this morning and am going to see about them. We may just learn to love learning this year.
Before I go further let me say this. You don't have to agree, this is my school and my choice. I am doing what I feel best for my children's future, and eternity.

1 year since Total Thyroidectomy!

Hello anniversary! I must admit, this is proly my weirdest claim on anniversaries. I have many really great happy ones, and a few sad ones but a "had my Thyroid taken out anni" just seems weird to me!
But really, it's more of a thankful anniversary. It's more of a one more chance at life anniversary.

So it's been 1 year and I feel.....FANTASTIC!!!
Like. I never really knew how crappy I actually felt every single day before fantastic. Like I thought feeling like this ended in my early 20s because that was what getting older just...was. I was SO WRONG! I mean, don't get me wrong I'm not skipping around like a flippin teenager anymore (so wish I was though), but I feel good. I have energy, but am working on getting more. I am actually ABLE to lose weight for the first time in 10 years!!! That started 3 months ago if we're being really honest....you'll see how much below. ;) I can assess things without getting too emotional. I'm generally pretty positive...although still way to sarcastic and ornery for my own good but apparently that part doesn't go away when you change your body chemistry and it's just my personality...YA...who KNEW?! I'm WAYYYY more calm most days. We won't talk about the other day when I envisioned my hands around my certain oldest preteen's neck as he was screaming back "no" at me...we just won't go there mmmmkay?! I get to enjoy most days, and I am much more thankful than I ever used to be. I have realized I am stronger than I ever knew, starting with how much I was doing back in Midland with being a VERY busy Photographer, Homeschool mom, etc to now when I wonder how long I'll be able to walk without tiring today. I am much less fearful (thank the good Lord) and am still working through some of my remaining fears. It's scary, you know...being told "there's nothing else we can do, but you still have several few good years left I'm sure" while you're body is failing, you can't stay well, your bones are breaking from dancing in the kitchen with your husband (he still feels guilty about that one), and you can't walk one block without falling over from exhaustion.
God has richly blessed me more than I deserve and I intend to be thankful!
But it's not all cookies and rainbows (Ok, it proly is more cookies than I'd like to admit). I still have things to work out, get better with, etc. My cortisone is still too low. I still have several autoimmune issues possibly due to Addisons Disease but right now nothing is being done. I still have ALOT of weight to lose, a lot of muscle to gain, and energy to get back. There's.....errrrrmmm more issues that start with an H and has to do with sitting....yeahhhh we'll not go there either (my blog, I'll do what I want). I still have Graves Disease and it's still affecting my eyes. I will proly have to have surgery on my eyes to remove some of the swollen muscle behind them that is causing them to push out buggy like. They hurt most days and now I have black spots every day. Not sure why. I have a bleeding ulcer that needs to be seen about...ok so I said I'm more positive, I did NOT say I've learned not to worry. I still have Sleep Apnea (proly due to weight) and have to mess with that hot masky mess (sleep ap peeps..you know what I'm talkin-bout). And I still battle with being tired more than I'd like.

But you know what?! I chose to see the good. I choose to be thankful for everything I HAVE now, and for most of all...the hope. I lost that hope once, I do not intend to lose it again. I am so thankful God gave me another chance and I will not lose sight of that. I have bad days but then I put on my big girl panties and deal...or vent to the nearest friend who's not tired of hearing it...and THEN deal but either way...I deal. So many lessons he's taught me. I'm thankful for being sick, thankful for the healing, thankful for today, and thankful for the Hope.

Ok so for my Thyroid peeps looking to see what it's like and where I'm at....
I am on Synthroid 125mg  daily, Cytomel 5mg 4 days a week
I also have to take: Vit C, Vit D 6000 Ius, Iron (always low), Omneprasole, Potassium, Fiber, and Tylenol PM. These are my required...sometimes I'll take others like fish oil or CQ-10, Essential minerals, etc.

Here's my scar

really?! It HAD to be crooked??? ;)

 







Reasons not to help foster children...

So many ppl are worried that if they foster it will negatively affect their family.
We've been actively fostering Firebird for 6 weeks now and I have to tell you, they are right.

We've discovered that fostering makes it extremely difficult to keep my house up in the same manner. I'm too busy healing a broke heart and that takes ALOT of loving/training 24/7. AND I now have to spend more money on clothes for someone else rather than myself.
Vanity

Our budget is now very tight. We have another one in home to buy clothes for, school supplies, entrance into movies and anywhere else you go, extra food, etc. Yes there's a reimbursement but it doesn't cover all your expenses usually, just helps a lil with them. And you don't want to know when it is well probably start receiving that reimbursement!!  Yeah. Proly more like 4 months in before we see any of it the way it looks now. I can't purchase things I want too. I can't have money to myself and I certainly don't get date nights at the moment.
Greed/gluttony

It's REALLY hard to sit around all day while trying to teach 3 children to love each other and how to act/ react appropriately with patience and love.
Sloth

I must listen to talk of another mother when I am the one doing all the work on a daily basis. And I cannot hold grudge or be upset about that. I have to love the mother too, for the sake of the child. And I have to be ok with the fact that no matter how much I adore her all she wants is another.
Envy / pride

I am forced on a daily basis to love someone that has very little love for me in return. Her main focus is her Mama. And some ppl don't even get a lil love because of how broken these kids are. I have to be kind when I'm not getting anything in return. I have to show love when I don't feel like it. I have to hold my tongue when there's plenty I would love to say that's not so nice (not towards the child of course). It's all give give give with these kids. And sacrifice. Oh don't even get me started on the daily sacrifice of the above things.
Grace and love like Christ loved us

That training/loving I spoke of? It really is 24/7. You have a broken child now therefore all your attention is on them, not for safety sake (usually), no, it's because you have to teach proper behavior, give reaffirming words so often you get sick of saying the same thing. Stupid low self esteem, ugh!
Patience

And my BIGGEST struggle is that I'm FORCED to believe that my plan may not be the best plan for this lil life I'm Caring for. I will have to let her go, where I won't know into a life I'm not in control of. After loving and caring for her as my own for so long I have to release in a cruel twist of the plan. And I have to be happy and sad both to be fair.
Faith

It's obvious how this is hurting my family isn't it?! I mean, we're being forced to learn things like giving up: 
Vanity
Greed
Gluttony
Laziness / sloth
Envy
Pride

And beyond all comprehension we're being forced to learn in the most difficult capacity things like: 
Grace
Loving like Christ loved us
Self Sacrifice
Patience
and 
FAITH

Seriously, I don't know why anyone would want to do this thing...this caring for the orphans?! 

"Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." James 1:27

"Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute."
Psalms 82:3

"In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” Acts 20:35

"To do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more." Psalm 10:18

Because it's not about you. 

It's a command from God.

Ok so excuse my weird sense of humor, what can I say?! I'm REALLY good at sarcasm!
I won't lie though, it really IS hard. Like HARD HARD. And it's not for everyone, but everyone can help the orphan in some capacity. And foster parents aren't perfect, or saints. We struggle, daily. Again-HARD. 
Look in your local community and see where you can help. The bottom line of the issues with our foster care system is that the government has taken over the churches problem. And it really is a completely broken system, just like the broken children in it. The system is failing the children, what can you do to help??

in the trenches

We are on our 4th week of fostering our Firebird.
Hmmmm
I don't currently have any witty stories or cute things to write.

Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been bad. It's just...hard. Hard in so many ways that you would never think of unless you are here, in the beginning, where we are.
It's hard knowing where you stand, what your rights are, what to say, what not to say, how to say certain things in order not to offend, what's best for the child, etc.
It's hard having a child put in your home, having someone tell you to treat this child as your own, love and guide them....and then something hurtful happens and they say no, you can't tread here...stop, this is not your place. It's hard seeing a child in your household hurting, sad, lonely, scared and not being able to do anything about it except let her know you're here for her (and her mommy) and not against her, while you try to sooth and she won't allow you close.
It's hard setting limitations, being scared when you do because it may or may not offend. It's hard trying to love someone who does not love you, who's only affection resides with the one person she cannot be with right now. It's hard figuring out what support there is close-by to your family, to her, to her family.
It's hard on your family. Your children think you're showing preferential treatment because you don't yell at her like you do them when she doesn't listen. They don't understand that she's new, and scared, and doesn't know us well yet so we are more gentle in explaining things and how they work.
And they say it will show any cracks in your marriage if they were there. And trust me on this one. It does. It ABSOLUTELY does. And you'd be rather surprised by how quickly it does. It's HARD.

They call this the trenches of caring for the orphans as the bible commands us. There are many ways to serve and taking in foster children is, quite literally, the trenches of this battlefield.

It's not easy here in the trenches. It's consuming. It's hard to find a new normal. It's hard to trust, to allow God to work HIS will, while not obsessing about what mine would be had I my choice.

Ppl say "bless you for doing this". Yeah. No. Not so much. We're being challenged and stretched and our faces thrown in the mud.

But it's where we are right now. It's what we are treading thru and learning about.
There is good news to our story, though it's not a long one yet.
Firebird is healing.
She is learning to trust. She is giggling and happy...most of the time. She is opening up and processing some of her pain.

She is precious. Just as I've said before. She's a doll and she's worth it, these trenches. I would tread thru them for her any day.

Much like cleaning poop

Ppl are scared of the "bad side" of foster care. They hear the horror stories. They hear a few adoption stories. They don't hear the good stories...why? Cuz we're busy chasing children, teaching, disciplining, loving them, and cleaning poop.
So you want to know what the regular every day things are?

When "Firebird" came into our home just 5 short days ago she brought with her a pair of shoes...covered in poop. Apparently she'd stepped in poop somewhere and it didn't get it cleaned off. It had been there a while and thus dried.
I put them in the bathroom and ignore them until today.

Therefore I had to soak them in hot water....WITHOUT getting the leather inside wet or I might ruin them more. I had to scrub and pick them. I had to keep wetting them and being so careful with them. My fingernails poking in the rubber prying out that stubborn dried for too long poop. It took a while, too long for itty bitty shoes but I finally got it acceptable. Not clean but acceptable where they could be worn. I did not, however, keep from getting the leather wet so we still have to see if they will make it and not be forever changed by wet leather smell.

Now. Picture those shoes are actually a child and change all the actions to what you'd do with a child who's come into your home broken, and dirty, and hurt.

It's not your fault the poop got there. It didn't come from your yard. But you are the one who has to bear the smell and scrub gently trying to bring some restoration in that child while he/she's in your home. You have to cover him/her with love and do things to heal/fix him/her while being very careful not to cause more damage that may or may not be permanent.
And then. When you're done, you still don't know. You don't know if the child will bear the scars/marks/smell/etc of the poop they've been through.

You just have to do the best you can, and trust in God to do the rest. 

And for us, that journey has just begun. 

She sings, our Firebird

Friday evening we got a new lil foster girl in our house. Our other guy went home early and back with his family where he needed to be several weeks ago.

This lil girl is PRECIOUS. We love having her here. Her circumstances are different than many children in the foster system and she hasn't suffered as many have, however anytime you are away from your parents you suffer as a child so it's always hard nomatter what the circumstances.

She is shy. She loves to laugh. She is quiet. Has a big smile when she starts warming up to someone. She's beautiful. She's spunky and likes to be a lil Momma to everyone around her (she told me my car was dirty when I had literally 3 pieces of paper on the floor, HA! I just told her she hadn't seen NOTHING yet. ;P) She's observant, and I'm sure we'll find out a lil obstinate too.

And she sings. 

Not in front of ppl, only when on her own when she thinks noone is listening. She sings in her room and she sings in the restroom. She has a beautiful voice, and although she doesn't know I am listening, I am. And I love it. I think it is her way of comforting herself. Of being artistic and expressing her emotions.

And I think it means that nomatter what, she's going to be OK. 

Because nomatter what happens in life, or what God has planned for her...she can always...ALWAYS sing. And I pray she does.

Sing little Firebird. For God holds you in His hands even though you don't know that yet. Sing your little heart out until all is OK in your world. 

I pray God uses us in her and her mother's lives and that we can help them through this time in their lives and be a Godly influence to them, teaching and loving on them. Will you pray this with me please?

I'll be calling her "Firebird" on my blog and facebook because of the book. If you haven't seen the Movie "Unconditional" you should. You REALLY REALLY should. It's not about foster children, but the premise is the same. Do something with your life, love others, give to others, forgive others.
And little Firebird, she learns that even in the darkest storm, all you have to do is break through the clouds to see the sun. Because THE SON is always there, even on your darkest days.
It fits because she is Cherokee like me as well.
So, Firebird it is, Firebird she is.