And this song came on the playlist. I often play music when we clean, it seems to keep our spirits up and attitudes good. My thoughts got swept into the song as I washed those dishes, and memories came to light. Things I don't often enjoy thinking about, why? The easiest answer is those memories, they shame me, embarrass me, and remind me of how unworthy I am. My past is not an easy pill to swallow. It's a past filled with Sex, Drugs, Alcohol, and Rock and Roll. Only I don't see this as a good thing. I don't like admitting this to people whom do not know me in person. But, sadly, it's the truth about me. Anyone who knew me from my past knows this is truth, from experiencing it first hand.
There are many contributors to my past (situations, manipulations, abuse, abandonment, fear, etc) but the main is that I am a sinner...and I ran the wrong way. I ran away from God every chance I could. I felt his pull and still I tried to fill those huge voids with other things that felt temporarily good yet punished me the entire time. I ran into the arms of what I thought was intimacy, to feel loved only to feel used again and again. I ran to drugs that would take the pain away but instead put me into dangerous situation after dangerous situation. I ran to other religions because I felt accepted and important in a coven (yes, you read that right. I claimed to be Wiccan, and studied magic as well as practiced it) while my soul literally felt like it was trying to rip out of me and cry for the Christ I had denounced. So many wrongs. So many horrible awful choices I made. I can't take them back. I can't slap that stupid little girl I once was and shake her till she passed out like I'd like to do every time she faced another choice that would lead into choosing wrong yet again.
I. WAS. THE. BEAUTIFUL. DISASTER.
And looking back at whom I was and where God has brought me today makes my soul weep. I don't deserve my husband whom has shown me what REAL LOVE and REAL INTIMACY is. I never knew. I had no clue that I could be loved after my beauty faded, and faded it did. I didn't know that love was not sex, but that real intimacy was being held by someone who would never leave me nomatter how I hurt him, and how many bad decisions I made. Who would forgive me, for all my past mistakes and the one that hurt him most. Who modeled my creator so much so that I can now imagine a heavenly Father who forgives every transgression I've ever made and will continue to make. I cannot imagine why He would, but I know now He does. I am not worth it, I know this much. But He's a good God and he brought me a good husband to show me that. My husband took me home, and loved me nomatter what, and gave me two amazing children, and the most wonderful life I could ever ask for.
I am so grateful that I want to fall to my knees and thank Him for the gift of my life now. And I think on all my health problems and you know what?! If God chooses not to heal me and my health declines even more and my life is a short one here on earth....it's OK. I'm ok with it because God gave me more than I could have imagined. He gave me my happy ever after. More than I could have imagined, more than I can ever express my gratitude for, more than I could repay.
And even though the thoughts of my life now, my wonderful husband, my amazing children are the best I can imagine there's one thing even better. Though I can't imagine it in my limited human mind, I know it's there.
He forgives me.
It doesn't matter what I remember, or what others remember or quip about when they read my scripture I post or talk about now. It doesn't matter grudges held against me, or those that cannot forgive (including myself).
He took me out of my disaster I created for myself and He loved me, and He forgives me. This shows because He's blessed me so.
He's already healed me, whether he chooses to do so in physical form or not.
His Grace is sufficient for me, and he's been very graceful.
Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story. I only got to talk to you for a little while last Sunday but we can relate in many ways. It is so wonderful to hear how the Lord has brought you out of such darkness into his glorious Light. Our Lord takes such good care of us...I often feel the same way...The Lords most precious gift that he gave me on this side of heaven is my husband...:)
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