Raw, trembling, tearful.

So let me learn that my losses are my gain, 

To be broken is to heal

That the valley's where your power if revealed. 

Wow. 

We were on our way home from Charlie Brown's Visual therapy and listening to this song. I have to start by telling you I heard it the first time on the way to the store a week ago and I kept listening to it over and over as if I knew there was something I needed to hear. I knew it pertained to me, but it just didn't hit me hard. 

Then, we stopped today to get ice cream (I do this about every other week just to keep our spirits up about visual therapy, esp if he's been doing well). There I am, eating my ice cream and the above lyrics hit me like a tons of bricks. I almost spit out my ice cream (not something I'm likely to do I tell ya), and choked at the same time. 

Wait. What?! 

So *trembling voice* so, is this saying Father that you have broken me so much so physically in order to heal me? To heal my baggage, my past, my guilt, heal me of my own convictions I daily prosecute myself of? Is, um, is that what this means? 

Tears again as I write. 

Bu...bu...but.....I'm. *Sigh* I'm NOT worth that! 

Could it be? Could it be my heavenly father really does love this horrible person that writes this dull blog? Could it be he loves me so much to pursue healing me, even if it means breaking me?? 

I need a moment to compose myself, again. 

Is that WHY he's broken this body? 

I keep asking. I ask for a clear answer, because...well because I need one. I need it desperately. All I know is I cannot think this, listen to these lyrics without the tears. 

I...I don't know what to do or think from here. 

I'll update if God gives me clarity. 

Pray for me, that He gives an answer? 

I search his word today, more thankful for this diseased body than I was yesterday.